I can't show my feelings

[Boofsies]

On 7 February 2010 at 12.20am I had a phone call from my parents house. It was my brother in a state shouting down the phone that something's wrong with dad. I jumped out of bed throwing clothes on and dived out the door all the while begging for details but all he could say was he didn't know what was wrong. I asked if he was dead and he said he didn't know.

So I jumped in the car and drove to my parents house. As I pulled up my worst nightmare started to become a reality. There was a police car, a fast response paramedic and an ambulance all blocking the road outside my parents house. I got out of the car and threw up - then ran to the front door. My neighbours daughter let me in - she had given my dad CPR whilst on the phone to regency services. All I could hear from upstairs was 'no resuss'.. And a loud banging noise. They were trying to bring him back :-(

They said they needed to get him to the hospital so off they went. Mum went with the fast response paramedic and me and my brother went in my car - we were met at A&E by a policeman who was waiting for us. He led us into a side room where we sat for over an hour.

A doctor came in and said they would keep trying to bring him back for another half hour. Then they came back and asked for permission to stop. We agreed as he would've been brain damaged otherwise. He'd had a massive heart attack.

That evening he and my mum had been watching a film in bed and he had complained of indigestion. That was the end of of it for him.

We all fell apart at the hospital. They prepared him and we went in to say our goodbyes. It was tragic. Something I will never forget.

Since that night, I have suffered with anxiety. It comes when I am least expecting it. I have found it hard to cry or show any emotion to my husband about losing my dad. I feel like a freak :-(

[hopealways]

The loss of a dear loved one to death, especially when it is unexpected can be traumatic to say the least.    It is not uncommon for a person to experience post traumatic stress after such a loss and in your case it is coupled with what you experienced on the night of your dads death.  Such emotional feelings or anxiety can be brought back with seeing or hearing something or even a smell.  

 

It is so easy to compare how we are coping with how others are.  We have to remember that no person has the monopoly on the only right way to cope with death. Just be on guard that you avoid unwise coping strategies that cause further harm such as using illicit drugs and overindulgence in alcohol.  Those things might bring temporary relief but they soon make matters much worse.  I have found that when I have something inside of me that is stirred, that I know I should talk about, I say a heartfelt prayer to God, count to 3 and then I just force myself to talk.  I always feel better afterward.  Stepping stones of sort to finally get it out. Even short conversations or statements will make a difference.  The key is getting it out. 

 

Working through grief takes patience, for you may feel that you are on an emotional roller coaster.  A roller coaster with loops and terrible drops.  But like a roller coaster there is an end whereby the pain isn’t as intense.  So instead of just letting time pass, you have to encourage “betterness”.  I enjoy reading and found that the Bible is a great book.  I have benefited from reading Psalms but also found real comfort and hope in reading the book of Ruth.   I also read a brochure that was very very helpful.   Here is my email if you want me to email you a copy.  aliciano@yahoo.com.  Be glad to share if you like.  I feel like it was shared with my and it was too helpful for me not to share with others.  You will be in my thoughts and prayers.