Dad

[Nch]

We lost Dad 6 weeks ago Sunday, June 8, 2014. He died of a pulmonary embolism at 55. I'm 27, with a 20 week pregnant wife, our first... So lets just say this is a highly stressful and difficult time. It's hard to relate to anything that was before dad died. Mom is a wreck, they were married 30 years, and the morning he died she was on her way back from a 10 day fishing trip in remote Canada, and not being with him for his final week is really eating away at her. My older brother is dealing much better than us, and he explained that Dad didn't need that last week - and that the 30+ years the spent together was what mattered. The last time I talked to him was on my 1 year wedding anniversary, two days before his death. We're getting pretty tired of people asking us how we are... Were doing pretty bad... Obviously. I had a lady at work tell me she knows how I feel because she had lost her dog earlier this year... Seriously? My boss has been comparing my situation to hers, her father (80 years old) was just diagnosed with a treatable form of cancer. Now I would never downplay cancer, but it's not the same. Not even close. I woke up one day and my dad was gone... Only those of us who have been through that day can relate.... Found this, and it pretty much sums it up.

You never said “I’m leaving”
You never said “goodbye”
You were gone before I knew it,
And only God knew why.

There are no words to tell you
Just what I feel inside
The shock, the hurt, the anger
Might gradually subside

A million times I’ll need you
A million times I’ll cry
If Love alone could have saved you
You never would have died

In Life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place
That no one could ever fill

It broke my heart to lose you
But you didn’t go alone
For part of me went with you
The day God took you home

Things will never be the same
And all though it hurts so bad
I will smile whenever I hear your name
And be proud you were my Dad.          

[Boofsies]

Hi,

I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. I hope your wife is doing ok with her pregnancy - and you are both looking after each other.

I have no words of wisdom but just wanted to say I can relate to everything you've said. My dad died of a sudden massive heart attack aged 57. My parents had been married for over 30 years too. It's just too awful for words. I had an 11 month old baby at the time which helped me to get through each day by concentrating on her. When your baby comes you may feel the same.

I don't know why people feel the need to try to compare your grief to theirs - a simple 'I'm sorry' would suffice :-(

Beautiful poem

[Bri.Comp]

I feel such anger reading about your coworker comparing the loss of your father to her dog. I am so sick of hearing about peoples grandparents who are sick or dying. I am 23 years old and lost my 58 year old mother two months ago. And one of the million things that makes this harder is hearing people compare your situation to theirs. It happens to me almost every single day. Your parents are the ones who teach and guide us everyday from the moment we enter this world and if you are anything like me the hardest part is not having them to guide you the rest of the way. It hurts my heart knowing there are so many people on here going through similar situations but makes me at ease knowing I'm not alone. And neither are you.

[Louise7728]

Hello.  This is my first post and i just want to say i know how you feel and i feel so sorry for you. I honestly do. My dad left us on 7th Feb 2013, i had an 8 month old baby and i honestly felt that my life had ended. We found out he had prostate cancer in July 2011 shortly after his 50^th,birthday. i found out i was pregnant September, by October we then found out he had a brain tumour. All were terminal by the time we even found them. So i was pregnant throughout his whole illness and then lost him when my baby boy was so little (now he is 26 months)  But i can honestly say that when your beautiful baby comes along he/she will get you through. I am not saying it will make it easier, but they keep you so busy, and keep your mind occupied. I don't know how i would have coped if i didn't have my son. I like you was 26 when i lost my dad, i am coming up to 28 now and i miss him every single minute of the day. you are right people don't understand and i remember my father-in-laws girlfreind related it to having an argument with her son and him throwing a strop round a mates for a few days - HOW DARE SHE!!!!!!!!!!!! that i think will forever stick in my mind. No ones experience is ever the same, not mine to yours, not yours to mine. But maybe we honestly say how sorry we are for each other and truly mean it. That poem is beautiful. One of my favouries. I read this at my Daddy's funeral...i hope it helps to read it:

 

God looked around his garden
And found an empty place,
He then looked down upon the earth
And saw your tired face.
He put his arms around you
And lifted you to rest.
God's garden must be beautiful
He always takes the best.
He knew that you were suffering
He knew you were in pain.
He knew that you would never
Get well on earth again.
He saw the road was getting rough
And the hills were hard to climb.
So he closed your weary eyelids
And whispered, 'Peace be Thine'.
It broke our hearts to lose you
But you didn't go alone,
For part of us went with you
The day God called you home.

 

Take care, x

[Ruby]

I like the poetry that is being shared in this thread.  Poetry has always been a window in to the soul.  It can give the writer a way to express emotion and  pain like no other medium.  It is also Spirit inspired in many cases.  

 

I was in the middle of publishing my first work of poetry when my dad got sick of Stomach Cancer and died at the age of 74.  The last poem that was written that made it in to the book was a poem that I wrote for my dad and actually got to read it to him a few weeks before he died.  I also read it at his funeral, but for me the moment my heart remembers is sitting at the dinner table and reading it to my Dad.  

 

Crossing Jordan

 

I want to be there, Daddy

Standing on the shore

Looking 'cross the Jordan

With your hand in mine once more

 

I see Jesus on the other side

He's prepared for you a place

I hear him gently calling you

And there's a smile on His face

 

But He won't just call you, Daddy

He'll cross the river and take you home

And leave me standing on the shoreline

Feeling all alone

 

When you cross the river

You'll disembark with Jesus' help

He'll take you to the home He's built

That you could never have built yourself

 

I'll blow a kiss and wave farewell

Then I'll sit there for a while

I'll think of you, and when I do

I know I'll crack a smile

 

I'll look across the Jordan

And I'll share another tear

But I'll be okay, Daddy

I won't always have this fear

 

'Cause I know that He won't leave me

When He comes to take you home

There'll be a big space in my heart

But I'll never be alone

 

I may stay awhile longer

Before I go my way

And I'll cling to the hope of all hopes

That I'll be back again some day

 

And I'll cross the Jordan River

With Jesus, hand in hand

And you'll be there to welcome me

When I reach the Caanan Land 

 

My dad passed away in January of 2008.  My book of poetry "Still Broken"  was published that summer.  He didn't get to see the birth of the book, but he was there in the pregnancy stage.  

 

These are the comments  I shared in the book in reference to the poem "Crossing Jordan"

 

" From the age of seven to the age of thirty eight, I have felt and understood the pain of loosing a grandparent.  Now as I face losing my father to stomach cancer, I feel and understand a different kind of loneliness and pain. 

 

This is the latest and final entry into the Still Broken collection.  As I work at completing the book, I can watch my Dad sleep.  His bed and my office desk share the same space.  When he wakes up, I see his big blue eyes look my way and I know he is ready to leave the pain and illness behind for a much better home.  He probably won't see the completion of Still Broken, but he knows I am working on it.  He told me that what I was doing was important. 

 

I don't know if I will be by his bedside when he "crosses over Jordan" but the days and nights I have spent with him these last weeks have been the most treasured of all. 

 

I love you too, Daddy!"

 

This is the story of someone who had time to say goodbye.  Some don't.  That, in my understanding, would be a greater pain.  As painful as the cancer was... I was blessed to have the time to spend with my Dad where all the other "stuff" didn't matter.  

 

My brother in law asked me a question in those last months.  

 

"I wonder what would be worse.  Losing a parent suddenly, or slowly to sickness?"  

 

​I told him he would soon  find out.  My brother-in-law was 16 when his dad died of a heart attack... now he was watching his father-in-law die of cancer... a man who he had more years with than his own dad.   I never did get an answer from him.  Maybe for him it was two different types of pain.  I don't think he could ever compare the two and I wouldn't ask him to either.  

[MissingPieces2014]

Its very difficult to be younger and no longer have a parent. You expect it to happen after years and years of having time together. Not losing your mother when you are 16 and your father when you are 23..the day after your 23rd birthday...4 months ago. I too am sick of hearing people compare or say the understand. Finally I realized it doesn't matter how much time you have had with them, it still hurts. My father lost his mother when he was 53 and it tore him to pieces. No one can understand your specific pain and situation. Its partially their way of trying to relate in whatever way they can. Its human rational. Its not easy to hear nor may it be satisfactory to hear someone try to relate or have some semblance of connection but would anything be satisfying? There is nothing anyone can say or do that truly consoles you. It sucks and its not fair. Its painful and heart wrenching. Everyone goes through it. Whether you are 16 or you are in your 20's, 30's, or your 60's. No matter how much time you have with someone..the loss is never easy and the time you had with them doesn't ease the pain.

[LanaPresley]

My dad passed suddenly from a brain anuerism a fortnight after my 21st birthday, a day before I was due home from celebrating my 21st birthday overseas. The last time I saw him alive was on his 58th birthday the previous September and our issues and estrangement disappeared. Instead of a happy homecoming and 21st party where both parents were going to be perfectly amicable for my benefit, I had to beg my stepmother's son-in-law to be allowed to say anything at my own father's funeral.

 

My parents had divorced almost ten years prior and it wasn't amicable in the least. I am an only child and dealing with divorce grief was difficult through my teen years before both parents remarried partners who hated me on sight because of what I represented.

 

This year marked ten year's of his passing and whilst other years have been a painful reminder, this January hit me the hardest. It marked a full decade of my life where I didn't have my father's guidance, couldn't call him for a chat and couldn't call around for a beer and a bbq. I've missed out on him being in my life and my (eventual) children will never know him and what a sweet man he actually was.

 

I guess the reason I joined this forum was to know I wasn't alone in my grief. I never want anyone's sympathy about what I've gone through but simply to be understood by people in similar situations. I was dealt a life's lesson earlier in my life than others have experienced.

 

Has anyone else had a similar experience?

[Pinkbaggirl]

We lost Dad 6 weeks ago Sunday, June 8, 2014. . We're getting pretty tired of people asking us how we are... Were doing pretty bad... Obviously. I had a lady at work tell me she knows how I feel because she had lost her dog earlier this year... Seriously?

I am also tired of people asking how I am. I mean obviously I am not okay. I am doing badly. It actually irritated/hurt me when people asked. Regarding your colleague saying she knows how you feel because she lost her dog- I would have slapped her! Well, I would've wanted to!

I am bewildered and a bit offended that there is a support group here on this website for people who have lost a pet. I lost a dear pet when I was 24 and it hurt and I cried a lot that day, but there is NO WAY the loss of a pet can be compared to losing a parent. Losing my dad is the worst pain I have ever experienced. The grief consumes me. I cannot deal with it. And I have not yet accepted his death.

[Serenaaaa]

I'm 16 and my dad passed 8- going on nine months now. It was so sudden. Just one day I came home from school, and he was in the hospital, he had a stroke and that very day was the last time I heard him speak. The he stroke happened on his brain stem causing him to slowly lose function. Within 19 days he was gone. He was brought home on hospice for a few days, but it was like he wasn't there. He was just laying down... Breathing. No blinking. No opening his eyes, his eyes wouldn't dilate, and he couldn't even breath on his own. Everyone kept telling me it would be okay when I knew it wouldn't. People still tell me they understand, or it gets better. It's not getting better, it's getting worse, my sister was only two months old when he passed. My brother only thirteen. I look at other people throwing their lives away and get angry. Why my dad? Why not them? Why take a good person when there's lots of bad people perfectly healthy. And to top it off my mom yells at me, gets mad when I feel sad, she curses at me, and sometimes yells at me as if I'm my dad, but she doesn't realize it, and if I ask her if she's upset because of it she gets even more angry. I feel so alone. I lost my bestfriend.