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Going the wrong way


MJH

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My dad died suddenly in April 2013. My initial response was crippling guilt. So many times I thought of calling my dad and heading to the hunting camp (his favorite place in the world), but I didn't because there was always something to be done at home or at work that seemed more important. I hated myself for breaking his heart.

 

The last time I remember talking to him was about a month before he died. He called me to tell me that he was proud of me. I have no idea why he made that call. My dad always told me he loved me as a kid, and a few times as an adult, but I can't really remember him ever saying that he was proud of me. Sometimes I think back on that phone call and i'm just so grateful for those words, but sometimes I look back and see it as another missed opportunity to tell him that he was the reason I became the man he was so proud of. My dad and I had completely different careers. I am an engineer, and he was a truck driver, but watching him work as I was growing up taught me everything I needed to be successful in life. The man NEVER quit. He was incredible... but I never told him that. 

 

A few months after he died I really felt like I was feeling better. I took another job (which I now realize was probably an attempt to regain control of my life), and the pain was much more bearable. I even laughed and smiled every once in a while. Christmas was rough, but not as bad as I expected. The anniversary of his death took me completely off-guard. It was like the day he died all over again. Easter was soon after, and that was even worse. A few weeks after Easter, I went out of town on a business trip, and was arrested for DWI. The months that followed were horrible. I have become disconnected from my wife and kids (and everyone else really) and I've become numb. I feel like every day finds me deeper in the hole. My wife has commented about it, and I can tell she is trying to give me space, but I know that every day is causing more damage to my relationships. I'm going the wrong way and I don't know how to turn it around. 

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Hi MJH ... I am so sorry for your loss.  I can relate to the feelings of "missed opportunity."  So many times since my mom's passing I've said the words "I wish."  I wish that I told her that l loved her more often.  I wish I had spent more time with her.  I wish I had listened to her more, etc.  I believe that whether we do or say certain things, our parents know how just how important they've been to us and how much we love them.  His call to you a month before his passing was a real blessing, his words were a gift to you.  Try not to let feelings guilt take away from that gift.  Our loved ones know our hearts and whether certain things were said or not, they know exactly how we feel....I truly believe that!

 

Take care

Cindy

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Cindy,

Thanks you for taking time to reply to my post. I am new to the forum and it is truly helpful to interact with others who know what I'm going through but don't need me to be strong for them. Through this whole process I have been "the strong one". The one that everyone comes to when they don't know what to do. I know that my dad wanted it to be that way so I try to be OK with it but sometimes I want to talk to someone who has been through the same crap and doesn't need me to take care of them. So, thank you for being here.

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