Found out husband cheated right before he died

[sylver1960]

My husband died of lung cancer March 10, 2014. We had been together for almost 30 years (off and on). We originally married in 1990 then divorced in 1998 and remarried in 2008. Yep, it was a rollercoaster but we never lost our connection to each other. I swore I would never get back together with him and after his relentless chasing and after he grew up, I felt that maybe it was finally our time. So I married him again in 2008. We had so much going for us, the kids were grown and out of the house, he was just about to graduate with his associate’s degree in drug and alcohol counseling and I had a great job in the IT field. We were happy. Then I was laid off and he started a new job as a drug and alcohol counselor. His job was second shift, 4pm – 12:00 am. I purchased a business and decided to be my own boss. Of course the hours I had to work to make the business a success was tremendous but he was so supportive. Fast forward 2 years, in 2010 my husband told me that he no longer desired sex. Period, the end. I sort of understood because he had prostate cancer in 2005 which caused ED issues but we had been using assistance (medication) to help with the ED issues. So, for more than three years, we lived as husband and wife in every way imaginable except sexually. He didn’t touch me and I was afraid to even get to close to him for fear that he would think I was making a sexual move on him. I tried so hard to leave his manhood intact. I had to shut my business down October 2012 so I went back into the working world. In May 2013, I had surgery on my ankle and while I was laying on the couch with my foot elevated, I heard him talking on the phone in a hushed voice. This raised my antennae because my husband never spoke in a quiet voice on the phone. While he was in the shower, I checked his phone. Several text messages from Lee. I called Lee and asked her why she was texting and calling my husband so much. Did her husband know anything about it? She hung up. When he got out of the shower, I asked about Lee. “Oh, that’s Lisa, you know my friend that lives in Florida, the one I went to high school with. You know I’m writing a book with her brother when I go down for my motorcycle club meetings”. So, I started going back through the phone bills and noticed that they talk 4 or 5 times a day for a minimum of 20 minutes. She is the first one he calls when he wakes up, I’m the second. He promised that the entire thing was over and he wanted me and our life. When he was diagnosed in January 2014, I found out that nothing ended. She provided another cell phone for their use which he had in his pajama pants at the hospital. Anyway, due to his illness and the inability to breathe or talk, I chose not to confront him with this. Then he died………I found pictures, Cialis, Viagra, money, and found out that all of his friends knew about the relationship. She even showed up at the hospital to see him two days before he passed. With security in tow. I found out that they met again in 2009 which he told me about. They were high school friends. The affair began when I was cut off sexually in 2010. I was so faithfull for 4 years only to find out about this. She stalked me, called me, txt me during my grieving. How do I grieve? I can’t grieve because I lost my husband, my soul mate. I grieve for the hatred towards him and his deceit. She was completely aware of the fact that he was married and yet she pursued the relationship. I have so much anger that I can’t let go of. This haunts me every night. I go on day to day as if I am healing from his death but in reality I am going off the deep end. I started smoking again, I have been drinking more than normal and if it wasn’t for the hip replacement I had 3 months ago, I would probably be having sex with whomever! I tried to go to a grief counselor but it didn’t help and it was stupid. I don’t know what to do, it’s getting worse.

[sim-law]

Sylver,

So sorry for your loss.

It is terrible enough to go through the loss of a partner but to have the relationship problems on top is so very unfair. Grieving is hard  on anyone but with your additional complications I can only give you my heartfelt sympathy and hope that you continue get through each day until you can truly feel better however long that may take. You are obviously a fighter as you ran your own business so you have a lot of strength to call on.

Best wishes

Simon

[HeyJude]

Oh gawd...this is pure BS...you poor thing!!!  I'm sorry but if he hadn't have died I would have killed him.  People can be such a-holes, I swear!!!

 

My reaction would be to hate his guts first.  Get that out of your system,  Then you can grieve the memories of the good him.

 

If I'm not mistaken I remember seeing a lawsuit where the jilted wife sued the mistress for alienation of affection.

 

If you need somebody to talk to...I'm always here.  h3yjude1957@gmail.com

 

[Steph123]

Hi I'm so sorry you have had to experience this.  Something similar happened to me - my husband died March 9 2014 and after his death I saw messages from other women on his phone declaring their love for each other and saying about wanting children (my husband and I didn't have children and it was a joint decision).  He had met these women on an internet dating website.  I have approached these women and they have all said they had never met up with my husband and I do believe them - however I understand the hurt and deceit you are feeling and the need to talk to him and get answers to all the questions you may have.  It has taken me until now to start to grieve as I've been feeling hurt and angry these first few months.  I still feel these emotions sometimes but I do feel I am now starting to grieve and that will happen to you soon.  Just hang in there life will get better I am sure of this and try to remember the good times.  On a bad day I appear  to blame myself for what my husband was up to but deep down I know it was nothing to do with me it was a problem he had and I refuse to let him bring me down and ruin the rest of my life.  Just hang in there life will get better it just takes time.

[Boogie]

My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly five weeks ago today.  We had a fairytale romance. We were together most of the time except when I worked long hours and his start times for work were later in the morning.  Two days ago, I found he was having very sexual and pornographic content contact with five women on an app on his phone.  After painfully looking through all of the content, I found that he actually met in person one of these women and had a sexual encounter with her four days before his death.  Needless to say, I am shocked, devastated, sick to my stomach and reeling with the most intense emotions I have felt since his death.  It is like the dialog I read and the videos shared with these other women was someone else I don't even recognize.  I have played everything over and over again in my head and I can't come up with any clues or indication or change in behavior that would have made me suspicious.  I am crushed and left with so many questions that I will never get answers to.  

[Gail 8588]

Boogie, 

I am so sorry for your loss and  for his betrayal.  I can't imagine struggling to make some sort of sense of this terrible information while  in grief brain fog.

My heart breaks for you. 

Gail

 

[Boogie]

Thank you, Gail. What are your thoughts on telling others about this?  His son and two of my closest girlfriends know right now.  How can I have a Celebration of Life for him now knowing what I know? 

[Gail 8588]

Boogie, 

I think that is a very personal decision based on your own life background. 

For me, with my background, I would tell no one.  I would still have a celebration of life, but I would scale it back to a minimum of speakers, maybe just a minister and no family tributes. 

But that may not be how you feel you want to handle it.  You may want to cancel the celebration of life all together - you can blame it on covid that you don't want to spread the virus.  You may want to be honest with everyone about his infidelity.  I would not go there, but that's me.

It will take you some time to work your way through this mess in your own head.  I don't think that will be sorted out before the memorial service. 

I am so sorry this has complicated your tragic loss.

Gail

[Boogie]

Thank you for the feedback.  It will be helpful in making decisions that are best for me and my step-son who I love and am deeply concerned about as well.  I appreciate you and your expression of support and kindness. 

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Boogie said:

I am crushed and left with so many questions that I will never get answers to.  

I am so so sorry!  I found this online and hope it helps even a wee bit:

This is what has worked for me and what you might try on your own journey of finding closure.

1. Write a Letter. ...
2. Take Your Control Back. ...
3. Feel What You Feel Without Judgment. ...
4. Discuss it with a Few Close Friends. ...
5. Plan Something Fun. ...
6. Let Go of Unhealthy Patterns and Step into Health. ...
7. Follow Your Purpose. ...
8. Pray/Send Good Thoughts.

It sounds like he compartmentalized that part of his life from this part of his life.  In time you will better be able to decide if you can incorporate that he was multifaceted, it didn't necessarily mean he didn't love you and the kids, it does mean he was very sick and needed help for sure.  I'm sorry.  We want to be here for you as you work out your emotions.  It can take much time to process and I imagine you feel much anger from the hurt you are experiencing and not having any answers from him!  I'd be angry that I didn't get to confront him!  You probably feel this negates everything you thought you knew about your marriage.  It may take time to work through this and I recommend getting some counseling for it.  

Meanwhile, I hope you feel comfortable coming here and posting, venting, scream, cry, allow yourself your outrage!  You have good reason for it.  Eventually you will want to consider forgiving him, not because HE deserves it, but for YOU so that this does not make you bitter and change who YOU are!  It's part of reclaiming your power!

Understand forgiveness NEVER means the wrong was "okay!"  It's not, it never will be.  It doesn't depend on him, his asking for it, and you can feel angry that you're even in this decision, going through this!  And that's okay too.  As I've experienced, it's harder when you don't have the person here, but it can be done.  
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692

 

[Boogie]

Thank you so much KayC!  Your words and suggestions are very helpful.   I am a social worker and I teach this stuff to my patients, but I am truly finding that practicing what you preach is much more difficult when you are experiencing it first hand.  I am trying radical acceptance, meditation, trauma-informed muscle tension/relaxation techniques, talking with friends and trying to keep active and distracted, but I can't seem to get rid of the sick feeling in my stomach and I find myself continually taking deep breaths to combat it.  I am emotionally exhausted and I am losing the husband that I knew in the process.  This just feels like it is never going to end! 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Boogie said:

I am emotionally exhausted and I am losing the husband that I knew in the process.  This just feels like it is never going to end!

Maybe buying a punching bag would help!  Actually serious about this, I did that in my first marriage, my husband cheated on me constantly and beat on me throughout our marriage, (it ended after six long years).  But getting that energy out helped.  

Knowing something in our head, with all your education, helps, but it's definitely different to experience it firsthand.  Remember this is a process, not necessarily over and done with in 1-2-3 steps.  You'll go forward/backward in zig-zag steps for a while, but overall moving in a forward direction, so don't lose hope at seeming setbacks.

Sometimes endings bring beginnings, such as winter into spring.  Recognize you miss parts of him while being damn mad at other parts to him!  Try not to throw the whole of your marriage/his existence away because of the parts to him you've discovered unacceptable.  It will likely take a while to incorporate this knowledge into the equation.  It's okay to talk over with a trusted friend or family member, no need to put on a front or be fake about it.  Those who knew him will likely also still recognize some of his good.  Try to validate YOUR feelings without worrying unduly about OTHER people's feelings towards someone who is now gone from you all.  We don't need to worship them as a saint, especially if it's not who they were, in part or in whole.  

Keep exercising, find some time in nature, walk, I'm glad you're meditating and using other techniques.  And not isolating. 

[Boogie]

I deleted and deactivated all "darkness" items from his phone last night.  That felt incredibly empowering, but still struggling with the sick feeling in my stomach, however a little less.  I am going to put together a photo book with all of the good times of us together.  I think that will help keep him in my memory in a positive way.  I have learned that having kept this behavior SO very hidden and secret likely means he carried a lot of guilt and shame about his inadequacies and possibly addictive behavior.  I know he loved me and our life together and this was just a piece of him that I was not a part of, nor do I understand, which was all about sex and not relationship.  I can say all of this outloud intellectually, however the emotional toll of the betrayal of our vows and my trust is an entirely different story.  It is like a stifling black cloud that covers my soul and only time will ease this excruciating pain.  Thank you so much for this feedback as all of this is so helpful.

[KayC]

Oh Boogie, my heart both goes out to you and warms to hear of your decision.  It is a positive choice you are making.  It doesn't mean you won't still feel anger about it sometimes, and rightly so!  It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when it occurs to you.  But taking that step is a positive one for YOU!  And you are of most importance here for you are the one carrying this.  You are the one thrust into this situation with no input or say from YOU!  It's not fair but I have learned that life is not fair, any of it, good or bad!  The only thing we can control are OUR responses/choices/decisions in it.  And you are making a good one for yourself.  It is how I got through learning just how much my husband stole from my household and the lies he told to cover it up when HE chose to use drugs.  He came to me of his own volition and confessed about his drug use before he died and was seeking treatment, that helped a lot, as I knew he wanted to change, but all of those lies and the financial predicament he thrust me into came eking out to me over the year or so after he died. I'd had my home paid for and at the time of his death we had $72,000 in debt AND our car failed, I had to get a new one, so I had to refinance my house which is a 43 year old mobile home that now needs a ton of repairs, I'll be making payments until I'm almost 80!  I also learned he'd snuck behind my back and gone to see his XGF after we married, while I was at work.  That upset me!  I learned this maybe a year after he died.  I learned to take the whole of the man, I know he loved me...hang onto that love that you knew, it doesn't excuse what he did, but try to take it in context, like you are.  They meant nothing to him and God only knows why he did it, maybe he had a sexual addiction he was too ashamed to talk about.  It's something very real and often needs therapy to overcome, but so many are afraid to broach it, suffering secretly in silence.  

Sending you my best thoughts, prayers, and wishes for you today...

[Boogie]

Thank you KayC for your wise words. My deepest empathy for all you have been through also. Your experience and the way you have chosen to handle the situation is inspiring and a guiding light for me. This is so difficult, but I am working on changing the narrative in my head and forgiving every day.  I return to work Monday, so I won't have as much time to be thinking about all of this. I want desperately for this suffering to end and to continue to move forward in a positive way.  I appreciate you!

[KayC]

I hope you'll let us know how you do with returning to work.  I was fortunate to have such a wonderful understanding boss and coworkers, they met before my return and someone shared with them about his personal experience with loss/grief, what to expect, how to be supportive, it definitely helped!  But my job soon ended as the recession began and the place went out of business, and the next place was totally different.  I hope you have support around you!  This adjustment is so gradual it seems daunting, it really helps not to focus on the rest of your life and just do today.  And remember to breathe!  Today you're doing well to just get out of bed and get dressed.  Today you're doing well if you got five hours sleep.  Might want to see a doctor if it continues though.  We send you lots of hugs and want to encourage you...we know.

[TLN]

On 3/14/2021 at 7:58 AM, KayC said:

Eventually you will want to consider forgiving him, not because HE deserves it, but for YOU so that this does not make you bitter and change who YOU are!  It's part of reclaiming your power!

 

On 3/25/2021 at 10:07 AM, Boogie said:

That felt incredibly empowering,

 

On 3/26/2021 at 9:50 AM, Boogie said:

This is so difficult, but I am working on changing the narrative in my head and forgiving every day.

Dear Boogie, I cannot even begin to understand losing a loved one who was unfaithful, as that is not my situation. But from the above, it sounds like you are on the right course. There is more than one way to empower oneself; I would say forgiveness is a good way. In my situation, I took hold of power simply by honoring my deceased Father who, due to his defense of truth in regards to familial abuse (which I have written about @TLN), was hated by most of his survivors. Just standing up; being the one voice for him in the face of the many against him, I find is quite powerful. Be well, TLN.

[Boogie]

21 hours ago, TLN said:

 

 

Dear Boogie, I cannot even begin to understand losing a loved one who was unfaithful, as that is not my situation. But from the above, it sounds like you are on the right course. There is more than one way to empower oneself; I would say forgiveness is a good way. In my situation, I took hold of power simply by honoring my deceased Father who, due to his defense of truth in regards to familial abuse (which I have written about @TLN), was hated by most of his survivors. Just standing up; being the one voice for him in the face of the many against him, I find is quite powerful. Be well, TLN.

Thank you for your comments!