I'm struggling to live

[Pamxxxx]

I'm new to the forum. Just a little background....

My husband, the love of my life passed away 25th August 2013. Like many of you, the pain of grief has been unbearable, and although time changes the intensity of the pain, it doesn't actually 'heal' my grief. For me, it's just changed from acute grief to chronic grief - that is, that the loss of my darling is constant, ever present, and debilitating.

I need to ask you to bear with me, because this isn't a plea to fix this - because nothing and no one can get into my skin and actually fix, heal, or make me feel better. Many people have said I'm depressed. In some ways, that's true, but as I've had grief counselling, anti depressants and other counselling, nothing has fundamentally changed. The grief is constant and unrelenting.

At the beginning of this truly terrible 'journey', the mental torment was so great that I wanted to die - just to find some peace. Unfortunately, that didn't happen. Then the acute pain/torment lessened - but not substantially enough to enable me to function. At 11 months, I have no motivation and I do what has to be done. Not out of choice, but out of necessity.

My grief was so intense at the beginning, that I could just about cope, by existing moment to moment. I couldn't bear 'looking' beyond the moment - that was the abyss which was too distressing to look into. For a while, that worked a little - not completely, but it eased the acute pain. It stopped me from physical self harm. As the months passed, the 'living in the moment' became a habit, and it was ok - for a while. However, it didn't help me to function at all. By that I mean that nothing mattered. Nothing matters now.

So here at 11 months, this is the picture & it's pretty brutal. I have a loving family, loving friends. They all care, and I care about them..that they are well and happy. Trouble is, I don't care about me, because without my darling, my life is over. There truly is nothing to live for. I understand that living in the moment can be a wonderful way to live. In fact, it's the only way to really live. But not for me, because its not authentic to my character. We were soulmates, best friends, my ONLY intimate, my rock. There will never be anyone else for me - my husband will always be the only love of my life.

The living in the moment no longer works. Whilst it was ok at the start, it's not now. I've read on other websites that we should use this to cope - it worked for a while, but I have to ask....how does one live purely in the moment, without any hopes, without joy, without dreams. To me, that's not living - its just existing and I can't just exist. . Without my love here with me, nothing matters and life just isn't worth living.

[sim-law]

So sorry for your loss Pam,

I am newer at this than you but can relate to what you say. Without your soulmate and companion/best friend it is very difficult to carry on. Friends and family mean well and do their best but do not really understand just what you are going through and move on with their lives when you are stuck with a past and no apparent future. We just have to carry on living and hope that there is something that gives relief to this existence.

Try to reach out, at least for understanding, from people here who get it.

 

Best wishes to you.

Simon 

[MaryArlene]

Hi Pam --

 

I am so sorry for your loss.  My husband passed away 1 1/2 yrs ago.  I can say that I went through much of what you described.  Of course, everyone's experience is a bit different.  In trying to make sense of my loss, I found that although I was surrounded by loving friends and family, that I felt disconnected -- in feeling that their lives were moving full stream ahead and mine, well, mine was abruptly halted.  The place I am now is I guess a feeling of acceptance.  Acceptance that my life as I shared it with James is over and the fact is that I have to face my new normal.  My new life is a life without my husband, making new friends that he will never know, enjoying new vistas, experiencing new joys and sorrows that he will never know.  I realize that life will ebb and flow, my grief will ebb and flow and that no feeling will last very long, just to ride out the particular wave.

 

I usually shy away from advice but what worked for me was to finally accept that James has passed on (never to return to me) and that I have no expectations of what the future holds (is that what living in the present is?).  

 

I don't know if this helped or not but you should know that there are lots of folks in this forum that will be supportive of you as you progress through your own personal journey.

 

Wishing you all the best life has to offer.

 

Mary

[Pamxxxx]

Dear Mary & Simon

I'm so sorry - you have both lost your soul mates, and you understand the emptiness of life without the one who meant everything.

Mary says she has no expectations and that's the same for me. Although I know my beloved Bill isn't here, and accept that at one level....I can't find peace or acceptance in having to live without him. The truth is, that I don't want to live without him, and there is no joy, theres nothing material that I wish for in terms of things or experiences - to me, life is pointless and hopeless. I was an optimist, always hopeful, a doer and so full of enthusiasm, which centred around, Bill (us) and our home. I live alone now and the loneliness is truly awful. Every night I pray that I won't wake up.

I'm sorry this is a miserable post, but it is the truth for mme anyway.

Blessings

Pam

[HeyJude]

Don't be sorry Pam.  I feel the same way 3/4 of the time.  I have stated numerous times that I really don't care if I die.  In fact, I'd prefer to but I won't instigate it myself.  If I were diagnosed with a fatal disease I don't think I would fight it like a normal person would.

 

I lost my husband 17 months ago.  I know the feeling of just existing, having no future, no hope, no dreams.  And like you my Jerry was my very best friend, my lover, my soul mate.  He was my happiness, he was my life.  There isn't another person on the face of this earth that could take his place.  And I've pretty much decided there won't be either.  I still consider myself married.  I am still Mrs. Jerry.  I don't want to be anybody else.  And that is where my life has landed.  I've tried meeting other men but I just can't do it.  No one can hold a candle to my husband and I won't settle for anything less.

 

So it isn't all that unusual although I will say it isn't normal.  But your not alone that's for sure! 

[Pamxxxx]

Heyjude - it's such a comfort to read your words. That might seem a strange thing to say, but knowing I'm not the only one feeling this way is a comfort. Like you, I will always be married to my darling - I could never meet anyone else. As for living - I won't instigate anything to hasten my death, but neither would I seek treatment if I contracted an illness. I recently completed an Advance Decision, and that helped a little, and also, I don't want loved ones to be burdened with the responsibility of decions about my health either.

But life is lonely and pointless...I just pray it won't last too long and I can exit very soon.

[hopealways]

Death has been described as an enemy.  The older I get and with the passing of time, the truth of those words are further confirmed.  To put it frankly death is a dream killer. All the dreams you imagined and hoped to share.  What I have found to be helpful is to reflect on what true love is.  True love moves you to put the interest of the other person first.  Think about how your loved one would want you to live. If they were to see you in your current state what might they say or how might they feel. 

 

I agree that life without hopes, dreams and joy is just existing.  For hope to really be "hope", it has to be based on truth.  it can't be the type of hope that we classify as a wish.  Not sure if you are a spiritual person or not, but I have found the words in the Bible to be a great source of comfort.  It has provided me with the type of hope that has proven to be an anchor for my soul.  Don't get me wrong, I still shed tears over death but I don't have the paralyzing feeling that I can't go it.  With time and spiritual knowledge it has helped me to put things in perspective.  I don't often get a chance to come to this site, but you are welcome to reach out to me at yaliciano@yahoo.com.  I know that sometimes just talking to others can be of assistance. 

[Pamxxxx]

Thank you Hopealways for your kind thoughts. Recently I've tried so many ways to nudge myself to a better perspective, and reading some of the bible has been part of that. Sadly, I'm not able to integrate the words into my being. Before my beloved Bill passed away, I did see death as the enemy. Not now - death to me will be a welcome guest.

The truth is that I have no hopes, no wishes and no expectations. There is nothing in this life I want or need - nothing at all. I do believe that we only shed our body when we pass on, and that our soul (consciousness) carries on. That's all I need now. Just to leave this body and this life. I just pray that God in His goodness will allow me to go soon. Heaven looks better every day.