Helping my (young) 50 year old mother with loss

[Desai1990]

My father was an incredibly successful, kind and loving parent. In 2011 he passed away from pancreatic cancer. We only discovered his illness 6 months before he passed, before which he was a very happy, involved and energetic parent. I lost him when I was 21 and I am now 24.

 

For the past three years I have been trying to cope with the death of my father, who was always a great source of comfort and encouragement to me. After his death me and my mother have started living together, since I very much want to be with her and include her in my life.

 

I have never fully been able to realise my loss because of the support I have been required to give my mother. He was everything to her and she was everything to him. I am still not fully able to realise the fact that we will never truly be one big happy family again. 

 

I am not able to recognise my loss because I often see my mother defeated and lost without my father. Some days are extremely normal while otherwise I am required to be beyond my years and almost like a parent to her because she is fraught with depression and loneliness. I feel incredibly guilty because I am not naturally able to fill the void my father left. Since I am still quite young, I am sometimes out late at night and away from home. This leaves her especially vulnerable and sad. She often reminds me of how alone she is during these situations, during which I end up feeling very helpless and upset, since I am myself so inept in these situations. 

 

Somewhere, I require her to be supportive of me and my loss as well. She is very insecure about the fact that she is now alone and that I will eventually have my own family. I have no intentions of abandoning her and I am very much seeing a future full of happy times with my mother.

 

However, sometimes I feel emotionally blackmailed and forced into sacrificing my decisions to be with her. I am unable to express my sadness at the loss of my father because  I need to be strong for her. But when i go out and spend my weekends out doors, she will call me crying, demanding me to come home. While I often cave and cancel my plans, sometimes, this becomes difficult as I am myself escaping my depressing thoughts and venting my frustrations.

 

I want to be supportive of her and show her that I truly care about her and our life together, but this is proving to be more and more difficult as she demands and orders me to come home every time I step out with friends, or choose to spend a day outdoors. She is resentful that I want to spend time with friends, and she feels as though she must always have me home to acknowledge the fact that she is alone and that we are alone. 

 

While the death of my father has changed our lives forever, I want my own grief to be recognised and acknowledged. My own ways of moving on might be different from my mother's but this does not mean that I do not have valid reasons for doing what I do. How do I help her recognise my grief? How can I involve her in my decisions without feeling as though I am being blackmailed into spending time with her? How do I stop feeling guilty for the fact that I will never be able to fill the void that the loss of my father has left? I have stopped feeling self-confident and self-assured because I always feel guilty for everything I do. 

 

I feel under-qualified and overwhelmed by this. Any advice is appreciated. 

[ModKonnie]

I am truly sorry about your loss of your dad. Have you had a frank talk with your mom and told her what you've told us? If not, its time to. If so have another talk and reassure your mom but set your boundaries and stick to them. How old is your mom? Have you encouraged her to reach out and join a support group or volunteer? She is afraid but if you encourage her to branch out it will free both of you.

We will be here for you.

MODKONNIE

[cindyjane]

I am so sorry for your loss.  In many ways your situation is similar to mine.  My dad lives with me since my mom passed away.  Days after my mom left us my dad was in the hospital having a pace maker put in.  When he came home he was very fragile emotionally and physically.  As the months go on I've noticed that he is becoming more and more dependent on my presence at home, almost expecting me to be here all of the time and cater to his needs and wants.  I know this is due to loneliness and missing her so much but it was really draining me and it got to the point that I really wasn't looking after myself or allowing myself time to grieve this heavy loss.  Finally I had to have a heart to heart talk with him and tell him that I also suffer a great loss and that although I miss my mom so much, I realise that he misses her even more.  I let him know that in tending to his needs and wants that I have neglected my own and that this isn't just about him.  That may have sounded harsh but it is the truth.  I am of no good support to him if I am feeling drained and run down.  He has always been opposed to any outside help but since our talk he was agreeable to having home-care come in once a day for 1/2 hour.  During their visits, he shows the home-care workers his photo album sharing stories about his life with my mom and I am seeing a big difference in him emotionally.  I agree with Konnie, if there is any way you can encourage her to get some outside help, that would be great. 

 

Take care and God bless you for being there for your mom.