Members Phil Posted July 17, 2014 Members Report Share Posted July 17, 2014 Hello all. I don't know if posting here will help me, but I just need to do something to keep from losing my mind. I guess I'll just start by explaining my loss. My fiance and I were as close as 2 people can be. we understood each other like nobody else ever had, and she was my entire world. Sunday night she was a few minutes late getting home, and i instantly became worried. i called her cell phone 10 or so times with no answer. I tried to stay calm, but quietly panicked and continued to call her for about 30 minutes. Finally my phone rang and I saw that it was her number. Relief washed over me as I answered the phone, but it was not her on the other end. I guess the officer had found her phone and called the last number to call her. He explained that she had collided with a horse in the road and was being helicoptered to the hospital in the nearest major city. When I arrived, and the doctors finally came into the waiting room, they explained to me that she was on life support, but had no brain function. He said "The person you knew no longer exsists". I'm not sure what happened after that. His words stopped registering. I feel like i came out of my body and went somewhere else. Her parents arrived soon after and went through the same discussion in the private room next to mine. She was pronounced dead at 1:20 pm on monday, but kept on life support for another couple of days to allow time for family and friends to see her and say goodbye. This was very difficult for me, because in my mind she was already gone. To see her breathing and to feel her hands still warm, made it very hard to process what had happened. Yesterday Just after 5:00 pm she was taken to the operating room to begin the process of harvesting her organs for donation. It brings a certain amount of comfort to me to know that she will help other families avoid similar grief, but it isn't enough to shake the unbearable pain. I don't know how to continue living. Everything i did every day was for her or with her. I just don't know what to do. I am staying with my mother now, because I can't go into our apartment. I'm sorry if this is a bit long. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HeyJude Posted July 18, 2014 Members Report Share Posted July 18, 2014 Phil - I am so sorry for the loss of your lady. It just breaks my heart every time I read of another person having to experience this hell on earth. First, you came to the right place. There are many people here who are trying to work through the loss of their partner. And there are all different reasons for the loss, illness, accident, suicide. And there are a whole lot of young widows(ers) which is the hardest part for me. You are in the most profound stage of grief right now. Expect to feel numb, like your in a fog, hopeless, wanting to be with her...its all part of it. Reach out to folks here for help, it will really make a difference. Maybe seek professional help locally if you can. You have to do whatever it takes to help yourself get through this. And you will, we all will. My prayers are with you and all the family involved. Thank you for the organ donation. I was privileged to get to keep my husband an additional 9 years because someone said yes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sim-law Posted July 19, 2014 Members Report Share Posted July 19, 2014 Hi Phil, I know something of what you are going through, my wife died on April 15 and I had to make the call to take her off life support and watch her final moments. It is only people like us who have experienced such loss that really understand the pain. It does get a little easier over time and after the shock has worn off but it takes a while and I am still going through it. Wishing you peace and healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members beck Posted July 19, 2014 Members Report Share Posted July 19, 2014 Phil, I was not sure if this would help either. I know that so many people tell you how you will feel and what you need to do, it takes time, it will get easier. I kind of knew that what they say is true but I can't see that right now. I used my company's EPA to see a grief therapist. I did not learn anything new there and quit. I think it truly is a personal voyage we are on and although I have a very strong support system, sometimes you just need to talk and sometimes it is easier to talk to strangers and just get things off your chest. I did not come to this forum expecting to be miraculously "fixed" but more of a place where in the middle of the night I can speak. When I need to say the things that my mom and my friends have heard, I can blurt it out here. It does not matter if anyone reads it, I was able to get it out of my head for a bit. I am sorry for what you are going through, it is sad that we plan our lives and have it all figured out but in just an instant, every thing changes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HeyJude Posted July 19, 2014 Members Report Share Posted July 19, 2014 Beck - you are so right...in an instant life as we know it can be changed. I've had this happen a couple of times now but the death of my husband has been the most profound. We are truly not in control. And that is scary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Phil Posted July 20, 2014 Author Members Report Share Posted July 20, 2014 Had her memorial service today. It was a huge catholic mass, where they barely even spoke of her. It was very impersonal, and held no meaning for me. They had all these pictures that her mom made her take when she was younger that didn't even represent who she was. It wasn't what she would have wanted. I feel like I'm the only person who really knew her, and her mother has painted this image of her that isn't real, but now is the way everyone will remember her. I'm devastated by this. But I can't just tell her mother how I feel. The ceremony was very important to her. I just feel like the whole thing was a huge disservice to her memory.Then again, maybe I'm just being selfish. On a personal note, the lonliness is unbearable. There aren't words to describe how much I miss her. Everyone keeps saying the same things, like "It gets easier with time", or "you have to be ok because it's what she would want". But the simple fact is that I died with her, and I don't know how that could be healed over time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Phil Posted July 20, 2014 Author Members Report Share Posted July 20, 2014 Also, thank you all for your responses, and I am deeply sorry for your losses as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tryingtohavehope Posted July 20, 2014 Members Report Share Posted July 20, 2014 Im 6 1/2 months into this thing called death and I still hate it everyday! The pain does not get any easier, however you will find yourself getting through the days and ure not sure how? Your angel has helped you those days! I know its hard and everyone's bond with their loved one is very different...as hard as it may seem try to find a close friend that will just listen when u need them to! I found a new coworker whos dad passed away 5 months before my bf and to this day we sill cry over them together! Try the chat room on this site...it helped me out so much! Just remember everyone grieves differently and at their own pace! Im sorry for your loss! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members HeyJude Posted July 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted July 21, 2014 Phil - you have to realize that funerals and memorial services are for the living, not so much for the deceased. The way her mother did it was the way she remembers her daughter. She probably never got to know the adult daughter. So all she had to go on was the person she knew. How about having your own memorial service for her? Did you guys have a circle of friends that you hung with? Get everybody together and have your own service for the person you knew. You don't even have to tell her family you are doing this, it is none of their business really. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MissingDaniel Posted July 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted July 21, 2014 Phil, I am truly sorry for your loss! I wish none of us had to experience the unbearable pain of losing part of ourselves, but that's what it amounts to. I am also sorry that the service was not what you know she would have wanted. I think that would have been very hard for me. Luckily, I was very close to my husband's family, so we collaborated and tried to do what we thought he would have liked, and what we all felt was right for him and for us. I'm so sorry you didn't have that opportunity. I so understand the devastation of that late-night or middle-of-the-night phone call that gives the most horrible news we can imagine. Mine came from my parents, and they actually had to come to my house to tell me because I was asleep with my ringer off. It is a night I will unfortunately never forget. I would imagine you won't either.It sounds like you have been through an awful lot with the accident and the hospital and having to let her go. But like Judy, I also feel that you should be so proud that she made the decision to help others, and that others may have the chance to live because she made that choice of donation. I think one day that may offer you at least some small amount of comfort. I wish you comfort and healing! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sylver1960 Posted July 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted July 22, 2014 I am so sorry for your loss. Nothing I can say will lessen your pain and sorrow. Just think about all the good times you shared and the love you had for each other. Stay with your family and try not to have to much time alone with your thoughts. I know the pain seems unbearable right now. I will keep you in my prayers. She was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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