Coping Problem?

[Zhouluo]

I just lost my mother today. Almost exactly 2 hours ago. She's been in and out of the ICU for the past 4 months. She suffered a stroke a year before I was born and she lost control of the left side of her body. She also suffered from high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, kidney failure among other issues. She lost the ability to walk about 15 years ago and her health took a turn for the worst 3 years ago when she was hospitalized with lung issues. It got worse over time until she was hospitalized 4 months ago for respiratory failure. She was able to stay with us for a much longer time than any of her doctors expected. She simply refused to give up. She was placed on a respirator (endotracheal/through the nose and mouth) about a month ago. Having been through this all before, I first thought she would be able to go back home to my father however, it only got worse as time progressed. A couple days ago, her lungs stopped functioning completely and her heart was beginning to fail. She died in my fathers arms. It also hurts me to see my father so sad. I've only seen him cry one other time in my life and that is when one of his own brothers died. 

 

I have been coping well but I can't cry. I feel a little sad but I just don't show i outwardly. I am going back to college for a second degree. I have always kept to myself. Sometimes it feels a bit surreal. Family members try to comfort me but I just want to escape and be alone for a while. I can't just 'let it out'. I feel that this may be 'normal' but I really don't know if it's the best thing for me. I am afraid that I may regret not airing everything out. I am eating and sleeping normally but at times thinking about my mother's fate concerns me. My father is taking care of all of the death related business issues and I will support him when he needs it. 

 

I know my mother was proud of my accomplishments, even when I wasn't so proud of them myself. She was always supportive of anything and everything I did. 

[gijimani]

My sincere condolences to you.  I don't know anything constructive to say, because my own grief engulfs me, but I wish you strength, and hope that you will eventually be able to release your grief.  My thoughts are with you.