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Losing a part of oneself


nezuto

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Never did manage to find a group or other that have had to deal with this very traumatizing experience that no person should ever have to experience.

 

I lost my little Kaileb back in 2008, when I was only 23yrs old. My now ex-wife was technically never supposed to be able to become pregnant and we were so excited when it happened. About 5 months into her pregnancy, she had some slight spotting, which I have heard does happen, but I thought it better to get checked out and so we went to the hospital. We were there throughout the night and had a very.....unprofessional labor/delivery nurse that was monitoring my ex-wife.

 

She (the nurse) kept insisting her firm belief that we "were too young to be having children" and we found out after everything that she had forcefully induced labor on my wife, without our permission and that we were sadly not the only couple to have had this unfortunate circumstance occur by the same nurse.

 

After a very trying day and night, my now ex-wife gave birth to our little Kaileb and we were lucky enough to hold him for all 5min of his unfortunately short life. He was so beautiful and I just really wish I could have had him around much much longer than that, but I still treasure that short time regardless. I just feel so useless that I couldn't protect him when he needed me the most and even though it's been 6yrs, I am still constantly haunted by that day and keep wondering how I could have protected him and how I feel like I didn't show him enough love, even though I know I did. This is just tearing me apart, everyday and has already caused me some health issues in life, primarily with my heart and it doesn't help that heart problems run in my family.

 

I just wish I was a better father and that I was able to protect him.....not really sure what else to say about it all, since I'm writing this at 4am and in tears, to boot.

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Mermaid Tears

I always post in Loss of Adult Child....please go to that site and you will find many kindred spirits there...and it doesn't matter if your child lived 5 minutes....5 years....50 years....that is still 'your child'.....

  you will find many that have the same thoughts and yearning as you do....I lost my John David..he was 42....and I, too, am haunted with the thoughts that I did not protect him....

  it is a knee jerk reaction of a parent's love for their child.....

and we find we are not Super Human and have that kind of control....

we only have a Super Human Love for our child....wishing you peace....please post in Loss of Adult Child...

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Nezuto

My 16 year old son died car-surfing in 2008. I spent years torturing myself with the what-if and coulda-shoulda's.

This was wasted energy for me.

You are trying to find answers to questions that have no answer. That is a really tough pill to swallow. However, it is true.

I will never find an acceptable reason why my son was on the hood of a car. I will never find an acceptable excuse on why the car speed was 68 mph...never....so why torture yourself.

Please be kind to yourself. You are not the cause of your sons death....

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

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I confess my several losses were not traumatic because of the way I was raised. However, I have counseled many grieving people in the USA and the Philippines, where I am a missionary. I have written an essay that may be helpful to those who are looking for answers.

Originally, I wrote this essay for a mother grieving the loss of her son in an accident who told me she needed answers. After reading my essay, she told me that she had found the answers she needed. She was able to go out with her family and enjoy an outing for the first time since the accident.

 

Here is part of the essay:

"When a loved one goes to the next world, he or she does not die; instead a part of us dies—our expectations. That something that died inside us is our expectations. We need to understand that we are not grieving the person who left this world and who is possibly experiencing eternal joy. We are grieving our expectations. Our expectations determine how traumatic our loss will be. "

 

This essay is part of my Kindle ebook, Overcoming Grief: And Other Essays on Discovering Joy. This essay is ALWAYS free to read through the "Look Inside" feature on Amazon. Here is the URL:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00MLWE56U

 

I hope this essay is of help to the people here. Let me know whether or not it helps you.

 

 

 

 

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Can anyone help me please? I lost my dear wife  6 months ago after 49yrs of marriage. As with a lot of folks  on this site we were soulmates. My problem is that I am having a great deal of difficulty in trying to remember our life together. I have tried to read loads of self-help books who recommend  writing things down or looking at old photos of happy days. When I try to "tune in"my mind I immediately go to her sickness in hospital and her dying at home. I really try to go back to the wonderful holidays we used to have the happy times with the children. All my thoughts return to the traumatic times. I am terrified that I will forget her . Has anyone any answers as to why my mind wont concentrate on the happy times but keeps returning to her death. Thank you for your listening.  Brian

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