3 months since mom passed and so many firsts :-(

[Audie215]

It's still hard to believe that it's been 3 months since my angel mother passed. She battled with colon cancer for 5 years and was determined to make it to my wedding. 3 months later she was gone on 4/15/14. It was 2 weeks before her birthday and 1 month before Mother's Day. She was on hospice for less then 5 days and she passed peacefully in her beautiful home she loved. She was only 60 years old.

I am finding it so hard to adjust. I'm the oldest of 4. My father and I have never been to close and my mom was the glue that held it all together. One of my sisters has already moved away. My other sister and brother are still living at home with dad. We already have a strong feeling that our dad has quickly moved on and is seeing someone new. He has been very irresponsible with the finances and is in jeopardy of losing our home.

Luckily, my husband and I are doing well financially so I have committed to take in my brother and sister until they can get on their feet if need be.

There isn't a day I don't think about my mom. I get major anxiety attacks. I'm on meds but they make me sick. I take sleeping pills at night. My husband and I are doing ok but actively trying to conceive and i got pregnant last month has a miscarriage. So now I'm dealing with the loss of that.

I feel very overwhelmed and depressed and not sure what to do. I'm trying to stay positive and see a therapist weekly at this point given all the stress and pressure I'm under.

My birthday is next week and I'm not looking forward to it. My dad is pressuring me to come clean out my moms closet and I honestly feel like my entire family is not the same since she's gone. I feel like I've lost both my mom and my dad at this point due to the face that I am angry at how he's handled everything. He is in so much debt that he can't even buy a headstone for my moms gravesite. It's pretty bad...

My friends have been great but I've turned into an introvert and only spend time with my husband and siblings.

Any advice or words of encouragement would be helpful. I would love to just connect with people who have gone through this.

[Heartlight]

Hi Audie, I'm very sorry about your mom and what you're going through with your family and body

 

It was a little different for me because I went through what you're going through at the loss of my sister.  When my dad got sick and was dying, I already had an understanding of the craziness that grief is and I was able to avoid the majority of anxiety reactions.

 

But that first time was hell.  I've described on here before, it was a year and a half before I started to feel like a normal person again.  Every day of that year and a half, I had anguish and tears as if it was the first day.

 

When my dad died, though I was able to avoid the daily anxiety and panic attacks, I did suffer some unconscious anxiety-related symptoms, like an overwhelming fear of dying myself.

 

It's a terrible thing, living through losing our loved ones, and when you add the stress that you've described, I can imagine it taking a toll on you physically.  I hope that as you read around these forums, you can maybe learn how everything you are feeling is natural and try to be gentle on yourself... you can't change what's making you feel this bad and so you really do just have to walk through it, with as much love and companionship as we can give to ourselves.  When we can give ourselves the permission to be feeling as bad as we do, or reacting badly, or not thinking clearly, or not being on top of our game, or whatever words can be used to describe how we judge ourselves, then our journey forward becomes just a tiny bit easier.

 

I know that my knee-jerk reaction would be to have anger towards my dad if I were in your situation.  So if you are, I hope that you can understand that it's also natural.

 

What I have learned is that when we accept the emotions that are in the forefront of our being, we then have a better opportunity to choose what we want to do next.  For instance, if you accept your own feelings are valid, no matter what they are, you could have a conversation with your father that comes from a place of choice rather than reaction.  One that doesn't need anything from him but, instead, just expresses your reality: "I'm not ready."  "I'm afraid that we're losing you too."  "I'm worried about the kids." 

 

Because, truly, this is all you can do.  He's going through his own struggle, even if you don't see it, and statements from you that just gently express your own truth and then don't try to fix or change things for him, will give you your own personal validation and, perhaps, allow for a non-defensive conversation that does become constructive.

 

But it also may not.

 

It's just really important through all of this that you always remember, what you are feeling is valid.

And so is what he is feeling.  Even if he's running away from it or being destructive towards himself.

 

I have always found that gentle, compassionate, non-judgemental truth gets to the results quicker than any other direction.  The results may still not be to your liking, but acting from a place of love - and of recognition of the insanity that loss creates - will help you to be compassionate with yourself for all that you have and will continue to go through, and also when dealing with your dad.

 

Pardon a little anecdote on that point.  My sister started using drugs really bad and went missing after my dad died.  We didn't hear from her for over a year.  We knew her address but no one was in the position financially to fly there to see if she was ok.  We sent the police over but this is a drug residence and we didn't trust their i.d. of her because they didn't see picture i.d. and anyone could have claimed to be her.  I sent two registered letters that required her signature but the post office screwed up and let her boyfriend sign both times.  Finally, the family embarked on a "move her with love" campaign.  We send happy and loving post cards and letters, her daughter's children drew her pictures, and just sent her a "hey, we love you" message from all over Canada.  After doing that for a few months, she finally contacted all of us, thanking us for making her feel like it was ok to call after all this time.

 

We were all very angry with her for dropping out, not telling anyone she was alive, not acknowledging my mom's birthday or even her own daughter's birthday or father's day or the day that my dad died, which was Christmas Day.  We were all so angry that she was worrying us and keeping us stressed when all she had to do was make just one phone call.  But we knew that she would just clam up more if she started to feel that shaming and angry behavior from us.  Instead, we just reminded her that, yep, this s***'s crazy and we have faith you'll make it and we love you.

 

Because at the end of the day, that's really all that's left: we love you.  Whether people return our love or not, that's what we get to keep forever, our own love for them, regardless of what they do.  Experiencing loss can really make us understand that.

 

Be gentle with yourself, love yourself.  Do what you have to do but find the place of love that it's coming from within, if you can.

 

If not, love yourself through that too

 

Wishing you great amounts of love and strength and compassion, for yourself and your family.

 

<3

 

p.s.  a very soft and gentle Happy Birthday

[Blackrock]

Life is hard and may be filled with sorry but there always a family bond that makes everything feels better. Your mom is at peace and looking down from heaven. She will always be in your heart. You're doing what she would do- be the glue that connects the family together. I admire that u step up and take care of your siblings. They will look up to you and be thankful of u for being there for them. Don't give up your dad since he's still your dad and you'll regret it. Fortunately my dad was a best dad and I regret that I didn't spent enough time with him after I had a family. Now he's no longer here due to a sudden heart attack. I missed him so much. I also went thru a few miscarriages and eventually surfaced from those incidents. Be support and always stick together as a family. Plan to take mini vacations and just relax and have time to rekindle.

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[MommasBoy]

Hello Audie215,

 

I too lost my Mom to Colon Cancer this past May, 6 weeks, 2 days ago to be precise... She was diagnosed 2 years ago but probably had it for 5 years, the cliche "if the cancer doesn't get you the chemo will" is so true and as she was 85 years old she just got tired of being absolutely miserable and decided to stop treatment this past February even though it was proving to be quite effective at holding the cancer at bay. At her last oncologist appointment her Dr told us maybe 3-6 months, she was gone 3 weeks later. Like your Mom she passed rather quickly and "peacefully" in her home under our care with the guidance of Hospice Care. It was very difficult for me as I had this overwhelming feeling that I was participating in her death with every dose of morphine that I administered. My wife and I were holding her hands and whispering into her ear when she finally passed... She was the strongest, hardest working woman I've ever known and I miss her so deeply that sometimes I find it hard to breathe.

 

I'm 50 years old, married with two grown children and I still cry like a baby almost every day. My parents emigrated to the US in the early 60's and my siblings and I grew up without any extended family here in the states so this is our first experience with the loss of a family member and it was a big one! My Mom was the nerve center of our family. We are all individually dealing with this in our own unique ways and it can be VERY lonely at times! My Mom and I were extremely close, we share the same faith and spoke every day on the phone (my parents lived a couple of hours away). Part of her decision to stop treatment was due to our belief in a life after, Mom and I spoke of death and heaven almost daily it seems and I really thought that I was prepared for her end, I was wrong, I don't think anything can prepare you for this. 

 

I'll throw a few thoughts out for you to consider;

 

I found that I get frustrated when my other family members don't seem to experience the grief as I do but I have to catch myself and remind myself that everyone of them will process it differently, I think my frustration comes from a desire to share my own pain as if, in some way, that will hasten it's departure from me. It won't, I don't think that there are any shortcuts, I will have to walk through this valley of death and it WILL take time.

 

I pray. I've had close friends who have lost parents and looking back I'm a bit ashamed as to how insensitive I was to their experience. That will never be the case again. I pray diligently for those around me who are dealing with health issues or other hardships. My Mom was a nurse for 25 years and as we are learning she was always finding creative ways to encourage others in hard times. I will do the same.

 

To that end, while preparing for her memorial and getting her things in order I found a box of photos, a variety of letters and cards (many of them from me) and other mementos next to her chair where she spent the majority of her day towards the end and I think she found great comfort going through them. So now I will stop by a local greeting card store that has a very nice assortment of quality cards, not the Hallmark type but unique art-type cards, and pick up a couple every other week or so that strike me as special or otherwise well suited for someone I may know, jot something nice in them and mail them off. Some of them go to acquaintances of my Mom who I know are missing her and I know my Mom would've done the same. Some of them go to friends whom I may have lost touch with or who are dealing with health issues of their own. Some of them go to people just because the card somehow reminded me of them. Whatever the inspiration may be what I really want to do is let people know that they are being thought of and that whatever their circumstances may be they are NOT alone!

 

The worst part about grief for me is that it can be so lonely...

 

I will keep you in my prayers. You are NOT alone!

[Angel2U]

I lost my mom three months ago 27th of April of Covid.64yrs. 
she was my rock, my best friend. Now my 17 yr old daughter went to live with her dad. I’m starting a new marriage , my dads dating my Aunt . This is hard to bear sometimes 

[Zak]

I lost my mom almost 6 months ago, you go through the firsts, first Christmas without her, first thanksgiving, first birthday and so many more that are so hard to make it through the day. I had to learn to accept those firsts and realized that grief is just one big heavy coat of love, and once you realize that it’s really beautiful. 

[Kazuko]

Hi I hope you are doing OK and going through the grieving process is difficult I know I wanted to share my journey with you with my mom so far Mother’s Day her birthday and my birthday have been the hardest I’m dreading the holidays coming up we need to stick together here and help each other reading other peoples experiences does help.....my story is a long one if you like you can read the below: 

 

My mom died on April 10, 2021. II feel like it’s not real. My mom was diagnosed with cancer April 2019 she came to live with me in my home and I took care of her for almost 2 years. I was her caretaker around the clock making sure she had her meals took her to a doctor appointments handles her medication research to get her the best treatment. 

 

My mom counted on me for everything she believed in me and that I could help her find the right treatment and I did succeed she was on her keyTruda for one year and was doing great. She even had a CT scan done in December 2020 and the tumors were not growing everything was stable. 

 

then January 2021 everything changed her lab results showed that her liver enzymes and her Billrubin was not normal so she was unable to get her keyTruda. However the nurses reassured me that it was not serious and that we just needed needed to wait till things became stable so that she could get her treatment.  

 

then a terrible day happened when she fell down off a small bench in my room on February 3, 2021 and broke her hip. I have so much regret that for that day if only I would’ve done things differently she would not have fallen. she went into the hospital and things just kept going downhill it was not her cancer that was causing this..... it turned out that she had hepatitis C and we never knew she had it. my mom was 86 so she was not eligible to get a liver transplant and I was told she was not a candidate for hepatitis C medication because of her cancer.

my poor mom survive the first year with radiation chemo and then the second year she went on key Truda even during Covid she had a good year I made it be the best that I could taking her out to safe places and spending as much time with her as I could. she was in and out of the hospital and in the nursing homes from February 3 until April 5. on Easter Sunday when I saw the way she looked I knew it was time for her to come home. she could barely even talk and she looked so weak but she was able to tell me I love you in a whisper and I will never forget that day.  those are the last words she ever spoke. 

 

The following day on Monday I told the doctor I want her home and we got her home the following day on Tuesday. 

Tuesday I arrange for a medical van to pick up my mom and they brought her home my mom was able to see everyone but she was unable to talk. The following morning my grandchildren came in to see her and she smiled at them for the last time when they left the room she closed her eyes and never open them again 

 

she was I believe in an unconscious stage she was able to hear us and moan but she no longer could talk or open her eyes.

my mom was on hospice for five days I took care of her all by myself changed her diaper gave her the morphine to help her get through the journey with no pain and as much peace as possible. I slept on the floor on a mattress next to her hospital bed waking up every three hours to give her the morphine and make sure that the oxygen tubes were in her nose. 

 

The morning and afternoon of April 10 I talk to my mom and told her everything I could possibly think of most of all I told her that she was not alone now and that she would never be alone on earth and haven. Her breathing became less and she passed away at 5:20 PM. 

 

I am still in disbelief it hits me like crashing waves at times and I am filled with anxiety. I have so many questions about why things occur the way they did I have so much regret of wish I could’ve done things differently should I have brought her home from the nursing home two weeks before she died so I could’ve spent more time with her. however I was so afraid not knowing what was going on in shock not knowing if I could do it all alone by myself four weeks months etc. Researching ways I could get help ways I could get the money to pay for the help. 

 

I was told by the hospice nurses that things turn out the way they were meant to turn out and I used what I had and the information I had at the time to deal with it the best that I could. I was not afraid of hard work I took care of her for two years juggling my own job grandchildren and taking care of her and myself. I do know that even if I would’ve brought her home for two weeks before she died it wouldn’t have changed anything she still would’ve died and it probably would’ve put me in the hospital from exhaustion. 

 

I am just trying to find a way to know the truth feel it absorb it and be able to be OK with it and not feel guilt and wishing I could’ve change things I know one day I will figure it out I need to just get my mind OK well knowing that I had no control over her fate.

[reader]

Dear Kazuko,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. 

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know it's incredibly difficult caring for an elderly parent. From everything you wrote, you did everything humanly possible to care for your mom during this difficult time. I too struggle with guilt and regret and thinking about the what ifs. I've been told this is normal part of the grieving process. Being so close to your mom this is only natural.

I know it's hard but try to be kind and gentle to yourself. And I truly hope with more time you'll know without any doubt you did everything right. 

This article helped me a lot:

https://www.griefincommon.com/blog/caring-loved-one-letter-every-caregiver-write

Thinking of you.