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Unable to cope


mamesgirl

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Hi. I lost my mom June 5. I am totally lost without her and just do not know how to live my life without her. Today was my first day back home and at work and it was horrible. I miss her so much, she was my best friend and we talked at least twice a day. She battled ovarian cancer for 8 years, in the end the chemo destroyed her lungs and we had to let her go. I want to unclutter my mind and be open to "hearing" her in my head and heart, but am just so sad. So many people say they understand and that they are sorry, but unless you have lost a parent then you really do not know what its like. 

I know its been less than 2 weeks, but it feels like this will hurt this badly forever.

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Dear Mamesgirl,

 

My mother went to Heaven 11 years ago to pancreatic cancer.  I grieved her so much as I simply adored her.  After about a year of crying my husband (RIP) told me that I needed to let her rest and to remember the happy times we had together.  I tried very hard and slowly I began to realize how much pain she was suffering through and that she truly was in a better place.  I wish I could do that with my husband who just went to Heaven 3 weeks ago.

 

I can tell you that you will get better and you will have beautiful fun dreams of you and her together, but right now it's too fresh.  She will come to you over and over, but for now you need to cry and be sad for a while.  Just try and remember what she would have wanted for you.  She will ALWAYS be in your heart and you will always remember everything she taught you and how she made you the woman your are today.

 

Peace to you,

Marty

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Reeterskeeter

I just lost my beloved father on June 8th.  He had gone into kidney failure on top of several other health issues and his doctor gave him two to three months.  He died less than 5 days later.  His funeral was last Saturday.  No one, even someone who has lost a parent can truly know how you feel.  Your feelings are your own and because you and your mom were unique individuals, your feelings at her loss is unique.  I took all of last week off and this week off.  I knew that I would be less than useless at work and my mother would need me to help her navigate this new phase in her life.  

 

Cry.  Don't be ashamed of it.  You HAVE to get it out.  My eyes have been wet with tears since dad passed.  Perhaps I don't have full tears in my eyes but the corners are always wet.  My dad was my best friend and we were incredibly close.  Right now the pain is crippling for me and that's ok.  It's supposed to be right now.  I would do anything to give him a hug and to hear him tell me it will be ok.  I catch myself nearly calling out to him to come to dinner or to ask him a question.  This whole week has been so surreal. 

 

You will hear your mom in your head and in your heart when you are ready for it.  My cousin told me that after my uncle died that it was two years before she dreamed of him.  She realized that she had to get passed her anger of him leaving her in order to dream of him again.

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ForeverRemembered

Hello.   I am so sorry to hear about your mom passing away.  My mom past away September 11, 2012.  I promise you that you will not feel like this forever.  Don't be afraid of your feelings.  It is normal to feel the way you are feeling.  I remember, maybe a month after my mom past away, I had this dream of standing before a line of people who were all passing me and telling me they were so sorry.  Then my mom appeared next in line and she was beautiful.  She wasn't younger... just so healthy looking.  She took my hand and she said, "I am okay."  I woke up sobbing.  I believe your mom is still with you.  Sometimes it is hard to see it through your grief.  You just got to look around and try to be open about it and find the signs she may be sending you.  :)

 

It does get better.  You won't feel like this forever.  I still have my days (even 2 years later) but they are not as often as they use to be. 

 

Take Care of yourself and talk talk talk about her.  I am sure your mom wouldn't want you to be so sad.  It will be okay.  One day at a time.  There will be many difficult days ahead of you.  Stay strong.  I know everyone says this but (for me it was so true) the year anniversary of my moms death was a huge turning point for me feeling a lot better.  Everyone is different and everyone grieves for different lengths of times. I know this for a fact because after my mom past away, my dad didn't seem to grieve at all.  It wasn't for months after he passed away that it seemed to actually hit him hard.

 

Yes, you did come to the right place because no one can ever know how hard it is to lose a parent unless you have been through it.  It is life changing.  I still miss my mom, but I can finally respond to these post without bursting into tears.

 

Hugs!

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Thank you all so much for your replies. My mind is so clear that she is better off, no more pain, no more chemo, no more doctors 3 times a week, no more meds, no more not being able to do what she wanted because she was too sick, too tired, in too much pain. But my heart, my selfish heart wants her back with me now. I just cannot imagine never holding her again, never talking to her again. 

 

I keep remembering laying in her hospital bed holding her as she made her journey to Heaven. Oh how I wish I could have the feeling of holding her again. That was the most horrific and most beautiful experience of my life.

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dayzed and confused

Mamesgirl,

 

I am so sorry for your loss.  Having such a close relationship with your mom must have been so fulfilling - and I can't begin to imagine that HUGE loss in your life. I had a difficult relationship with my mother who passed June 3.  Everyone wants to tell me comforting things, like she lives in your memories, and now that she is an angel she is with me always.  For you - I truly hope you find comfort in your memories, in your close relationship and soon will feel her with you, wherever you are.

 

Be nice to yourself, everything has changed and even when things aren't ideal, losing your mother changes us.

 

Wishing you peace and love.

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TylerAndTina

I am so sorry about losing your Mom.  I can only imagine how heart wrenching this whole thing must be.  But please don't underestimate the power of close friends and family. Talking to them can be a helpful release. Following the death of all ten of his children, as well as some other personal tragedies, the ancient patriarch Job said: “My soul certainly feels a loathing toward my life. I will give vent to my concern about myself. I will speak in the bitterness of my soul!” (Job 1:2, 18, 19; 10:1) Job could no longer restrain his concern. He needed to let it loose; he had to “vent.”

 

If you vent your feelings to your close friends and family, you will feel better, even if they have never personally lost someone that close.  Like Marty2121 said, it will get better, even if you have to feel sad for now.

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Its two weeks today since she left. This pain is unreal. I feel like I will never be OK again. 

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Hi Mamesgirl... I noticed that today is July 5 and one month has gone by since you lost your mom.  Today is hard for you.  A month is usually the time when reality starts to settle in and the loss is felt at a deeper level.  The people that attended your mom's funeral, sent flowers and expressed condolences have now gone back to their life.  You are still in pain.  

 

Here's the thing.  I still have my mom.  It is a much different pain to lose a mother than a father.  Mothers tend to be a lot closer.  They were the ones who took care of us, brought us into this world, bonded with us the way a dad can't.  

 

My mom and I are real close... it will be very painful for me when I have to say goodbye to her.  I soak in every moment I can and wonder if it will be the last.  I was told that is the half orphan thing to do.  One parent is gone and the one left becomes increasingly more valuable.  

 

No advise... I just wanted to reach out and send you a note today.  I would give you a hug if I could... 

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Ruby,

 

Thank you so very much. Today has been hard, its just so unreal that she has been gone a month. I am OK one minute, the next its like a gut punch. 

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missingmymama

mamesgirl,

 

I also feel like I will never be okay again and it has been almost 5 months since my mommy passed and it feels just like yesterday in a way. My life  has been a blur since then , i feel like living in a dream state. I can relate to how you say one minute you feel fine, the next you are not. I feel that for me, its never going away, this huge loss is so fundamental to my identity and I will remember her and miss her and my heart will ache till i take my last breath

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"I keep remembering laying in her hospital bed holding her as she made her journey to Heaven. Oh how I wish I could have the feeling of holding her again. That was the most horrific and most beautiful experience of my life."

 

Me too.  I must have given my dad a thousand forehead kisses before, during, and after his passing.  I never wanted to stop.  It was horrifying and absolutely beautiful at the same time.

 

I, like you, I am sure, will never be the same.

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