will i ever be normal again?

[sarah1681]

my mom died suddenly 2 and 1/2 months ago at the age of 53 of a heart attack and we didnt even know she had any health problems i have to take anxiety medicine just to get through the days i dont know if i will ever feel normal again im in counseling and its helping a little but just getting through everyday is a struggle the only thing keeping me going are my brothers if it wasnt for them i would probably have taken my life (dont judge me) i have severe depression and having to be there for them is the ONLY reason im still here i just dont know how to feel normal my relationship with my husband is strained now and i dont know how to fix it either and at this point i dont care if i do or not i spend pretty much everyday sleeping as much as i can so i dont have to think about the void losing my mom has left in my heart

[Heartlight]

Hello Dear One,

 

I wish I could wrap you up in my arms and let you cry your heart out.  It is sometimes the only thing that helps, even just briefly.

 

I went through a similar crisis after my dad died.  I had already been through terrible trauma at the loss of my sister and after my dad got sick, I knew that I would never survive his loss unless I searched, hard, for some meaning.  I promised him that I was going to learn the meaning of life.  I know it's a silly promise, and not one that he would hold me to, but I knew I needed to find something, anything, that made suffering this much worth living for.

 

One of the things I realized is that I know that if I die, I will cause a great many people who love me this kind of pain.  To inflict this on another person became intolerable.  This was the first thing that shifted my crisis.

 

The next thing I did was to not be afraid of my pain.  To allow myself to feel it when and how it was expressing in me.  I had the strength to do this because of the silly promise I made.  I came to some points when I was able to experience the love that was within the pain and I realized that the depth of pain that I was feeling was the duality of the love that I had for the person I lost.

 

And when I found that love I recognized that that love deserved to exist and that I was now the carrier of that love.

 

The people who I love deserve that love and they deserve for me to exist to ensure that their love and their character and their spirit and heart that ignited that love in me gets to exist on this planet as long as possible.

 

This did take me time, and many tears - public and private - and much calling out to them to help me, and imagining their hugs or their hand on my shoulder or their smile, but I became not afraid of the pain because I knew, finally, that it needed to exist to help me find my way back to their pure love.

 

Don't give up, please.  Be gentle with yourself until you, too, can learn to feel the love that gives strength within the pain.

 

<3

[Trish91]

Hi Jana and Heartlight,

 

Heartlight, you are such a kind and sweet human being! So thoughtful and experienced about dealing with loss and tragedy, for you have walked this terrible road of pain and suffering twice, once for your dear dad and also for your beloved sister. I wish I had words like yours and also a similar insight, but I don't, sadly. I don't have much, I am empty.

 

Jana, I don't know when a new 'normal' will arise in our lives, all I know is that I know exactly how you feel. I am anxious all the time, especially in the morning, and wish that I could crawl into a ball and just sleep, but instead, I need to work day in and day out, and put up with added massive stress of my job, while pretending that I am strong and OK, when I am falling apart. Fear is my constant companion, as is sadness. My husband is and has been wonderful, for he's a sensitive, loving and caring human being, but neither him nor any of my friends or cousins who are my age have lost their moms or dads, so they don't understand what I am going through.

 

At least you have your brothers and grandma, who give you a reason to live. Yes, I still have got loved ones, but I miss my mom terribly, and I cannot fathom the rest of my life without her. My world is completely shattered, and I am completely out of energy, exhausted of this constant pain and suffering that is never ending. I don't see much purpose in my life anymore. I was never like this, tragedy has transformed me, and I am kind of a mess.

 

I am really sorry that your relationship with your husband is strained, but it can certainly recover in time, and if both of you work on it, and truly love each other. However, your priority is your grief, dealing with it and overcoming it.

 

I cannot grieve properly because I have had to deal with so many other things, like my mom's estate, a new job, and so on and so forth. But I have become this really scared creature, this hopeless person who seems to be completely detached from her world.

 

Don't get me wrong, I've had moments of joy, but my constant companions are both grief and fear. I take some medication for the anxiety, but feel demotivated and skeptical about counseling. I think of dying pretty much every day too, when I loved life very much before. I am just totally incomplete without my mom, so I understand and don't judge you or anybody.

 

I pray that we all get some peace of mind after all the suffering. There are some amazing people on this forum, and I am ashamed as I sometimes feel like a wimp compared to my mom, but I am just completely devastated over her loss and the massive void that her physical absence has left in my life. I really don't know how to live anymore.

 

Warm regards, and if you ever need to talk, just reach out.

 

Trish