Sudden death of my sister unsure of cause

[cdahl3]

I lost my sister almost 2 weeks ago. She was 28 and she had a 5 year old and a 3 month old baby. She was my best friend and her birthday would have been Monday the 28th. I do not know how to grieve with this. I never had to, if anyone can help me. I have been having quite a hard time especially since we still do not know the cause of death.

[Heartlight]

 

Hi cdahl,

 

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister.  We lost my sister suddenly too, and didn't get to know why for another 6 months.

 

It's an awful, awful thing, losing someone.  It's like your world just suddenly got turned topsy-turvy and inside-out.  At least, that's what it was like for me.  I didn't know how to do anything so I can absolutely understand your confusion and turmoil within the confusion and turmoil that such a devastating loss can be.

 

The 'process' of grief isn't even something that really can be thought about right now.  Right now, it's really just a matter of taking it one step at a time because you have a huge shock that you're still in the middle of.  The thing that's really important right now is that you give yourself permission to be confused, and anything and everything else that you're feeling.  Right now, it's really a matter of holding tight because the world hasn't righted itself yet.

 

My sister was my best friend too and when we lose such a huge part of ourselves, there's often nothing we can do but mourn and wail and be confused and be lost... and then eat... and then be sad and be angry and be dying in pain... and then finally fall asleep... and then be zoned out and then be taken to our knees in agony... and then make that phone call we're supposed to make... and then cry because we have to eat... and then eat.

 

It's like that, the first while can be that messy and that disjointed.  And the best thing you can do is be ok with whatever you're feeling and, if you have people in your life who will let you talk about it and you feel comfortable with, do that when you can too, and come in here and write your pain or your confusion when you want too.

 

My niece, my sister's daughter, gave me a huge stuffed bear and I slept with that bear, crying, every night for 6 months.  You just have to hold on any way you can, and that was my way.

 

I went looking for things on the internet so I could understand how I was feeling, so I could try to figure out how I was supposed to be able to live again in this world without her, so I could try to make sense of this whole life/death thing, so I could find some purpose and meaning.  I'm afraid that those things aren't on the internet.  You can find many people who have written about what it's like to feel that kind of pain and how you'll bounce all over the place, and sometimes that's helpful so that you know that you're not crazy in the many, many things you'll be feeling.  But the process of grief will eventually be a process where you find all that inside yourself.

 

There's one more thing I want to share with you.  About the one month mark, I was still in a "don't know how to survive" kind of state.  I finally went to see a counsellor because I wasn't functioning.  I just didn't understand how to 'be' in this world, it was beyond my understanding how there was any way that I was ever going to be ok again.  He said two things to me that day that made me stop needing to know 'how' but instead just accept that I would be ok, eventually.  He said, "What is the alternative?" and "What would Traci want?" (Traci is my sister.)  I realized in that moment that Traci would want me to be ok and also that there was no alternative to that choice, now that I recognized it so clearly.  I still didn't know how and I still slept with my stuffed animal and cried every night, but I had made a decision that no matter how long it was going to take, I would be ok, so I gave myself a break and didn't try to look for the answers anymore, because I knew it was just going to take as long as it was going to take.  And amazingly, that allowed me to be able to function again, though it was still messy.

 

Let yourself take baby steps.  Be with people who will let you cry, if you can.  It is a painful time, be soft with yourself right now.

 

<3

[Gina1714]

I recently lost my brother, and to be honest, I think the only thing that has given me comfort is denial. I know that is probably not healthy or what people will say you should do, but for now, all I can do is try not to give into my grief. I was in a very bad place thinking about it--like I was in a black hole all alone and nothing mattered anymore. I found that keeping busy made it tolerable, and not thinking about it or avoiding it was my only way to cope. Sometimes, I find myself back in that very horrible place, and every time I think about it, it is like it happens all over again. So, instead, I spend a lot of time comforting my mother and talking with and to her. That helps, a lot. So many people will tell you cliche crap that you don't need to hear--like God took her for a reason or she is in a better place, but that's not what you need. Sadly, the only thing that takes these feelings away is waking up every day and being a robot. Go about your life. Eventually, you feel again--but you will NEVER be the same as you were before. You need to accept that. You need to stay busy, in my opinion, and not look for answers. After my brother, I did what you did--watched and read everything about my grief and my brother's passing. All it did was make me feel more hopeless. Don't let anyone set time limits on your grief or how you should be being or behaving. You will have breakdowns, bad days, good days, moments where you feel guilty for not thinking of her, but you need to worry about yourself. My brother also left two children behind, young, and as much as it hurts to spend time with them in many ways, I feel the closest to him when I am with them. Hope this helps, and I am so sorry for your loss.