how do you get the energy to deal with each day?

[Frenchie's Doris]

 It has taken me 2 hours to write this (and rewrite several times) as my head is going crazy.

 

It is now 11 weeks... and I feel like a prisoner in my own head... acknowledging each passing day.... another sunrise that he never got to see... another day together we never got to share. 

 

The first 3 weeks were mind numbing.... he passed away from a heart attack in his sleep... and our idyllic life abroad ended... and I had to bring him home to be buried and tie up the material chaos of our life together there.  Planning for the future is still a grey fuzzy area. 

 

All my energies and focus ended at the time he was buried.  And since then I have had no focus.  I know I am not dealing with things... burying them behind being busy (avoiding days I call these) til I am too tired and just fall asleep .... and sometimes I can't get enough such as being on the internet looking at commemmorative jewellery and tattoos and looking at all his photographs and hold his clothes and cry and don't want to get out of bed.  I feel like a crazy topsy turvy nutter.

 

I feel my life has been on hold.... like a permanent pause button... and I am not sure which direction to move... yes I'd love to move backwards... to go back to the time we had before that tragedy... but I know that is as impossible as catching sunbeams. 

 

I know I am still not coming to terms with this loss... such a small word for such a big feeling. 

 

How do you find the energy to deal with acknowledging it... admitting it.... and dealing with it?  Is 3 months too soon?    The problem is i don't WANT to acknowledge it.... i want to hold him in my heart forever and never let this feeling go.

 

Depressed and confused.... thanks for listening.  

 

 

[frankly]

I can only speak for myself here.  I don't find the energy.  Quite honestly, it takes all the energy that I can muster just to keep breathing sometimes.  And you know what?  That's OK.  I intend to take all the time that I need.

 

Coming to terms take time, lots of it.  Even then, we may acknowledge it, accept it eventually but that really doesn't change much.  The pain is still there.  The emptiness. The longing.........

 

Your life is on pause.  When you are ready to start moving forward, it will seem at first that you aren't moving at all, then bounce back and forth as the waves of grief consume you and ease off, consume and ease........

 

For myself, it wasn't just a pause button.  My whole life ended with Jerry's.  I'm having to start over from scratch in every aspect including figuring out who I am any more.

 

My heart breaks for everyone that experiences this pain.  I'm so sorry that you face it also.

[HeyJude]

frankly put it perfectly as she always does!!  Doris - three months is not near enough time to deal with this.  I'm 16 months and I still haven't dealt with it.  I live in a fantasy world, pretending my Jerry is still here, just doing his own thing and me, mine.  I still consider myself married, and I grieve daily.  Sometimes really hard, sometimes not so hard.  Sometimes I feel like I'm moving forward and then I slip back to square one.

 

This is the worst thing we have to experience in life, I honestly can't say I've experienced anything ever near to this magnitude in all my 57 years.  I certainly understand now why some spouses/partners die shortly afterward.  I wish for death all the time.

 

Sorry I couldn't be encouraging.  Just hang in there Doris.  Just hang in there.

[Dr. Pat]

Hello Dear Doris:

 

Oh how my heart knows what you are going through. It's the hardest thing you'll ever do - and nobody gives us lessons on how to do it- least of all, in our culture.  My second husband of 18 years also died of a sudden heart attack - 18 months ago. I lost my first husband to cancer after 28 years. Try to recognize that you now wear two hats - one is your grief, the other is your "pretend to be normal". Expect yourself to go back and forth between the two. You never completely "get over" grief, but I can promise you, it does lose its sting with time. Each person's schedule is different. 

 

You are doing all the right things from the sound of your letter. You are acknowledging his loss when you hold his clothes, look through pictures, weep for him, yearn for him. Go ahead and talk to him. You are not crazy. You are wounded, you are hurt. You need to allow this time of grieving - even though no one would want to wish this on anyone - even their worse enemy! To regain a bit of energy be aware of the fuel you're putting in your body - drink lots of water (you're losing lots of it in tears!), avoid alcohol (it gives you a bit of a high, but then a super crash), try to get yourself out the door once a day - at first just walking to the end of the block and back. Pat yourself on the back (literally-do it. It will make you laugh) when you get back home. Before you go to bed, every single night, write in a gratitude journal - 3 things you are grateful today. They can be big things (family, friends) or tiny things (the ladybug you saw while out on your walk). Having these positive thoughts in your mind can help you release enough to fall asleep. It's hard to be fearful when we're grateful! Blessings to you - Pat from Thriving Despite Grief. 

[Frenchie's Doris]

Thanks peeps.   I think i was feeling ultra low yesterday.....

 

My independent side has reared it's head and not wanting to be a burden on the amazing family and friends I have who have provided a wonderful coccoon of support), i decided to travel to London and (long story) I found myself in a hostel (can't afford hotels) and thus felt unsettled and very low.

 

I know what you mean about the two faces.... I do feel like the theatrical mask with the smily face and crying face.  And maybe i'm trying to push myself too hard..I feel I'm wearing armour (emotionally) and it is quite draining. Today I burst into tears in Trafalgar Square in London because a Scottish busker was playing the bagpipes and was playing very traditional Scottish songs which were played at Chris's funeral.  I couldn't stop the tears flowing.   How can I be ready to face strangers?  

 

PS - My name isn't Doris... its just that he used to call me his Doris in a cute and funny way, so I keep his memory alive with a smile by calling myself his Doris.  And Frenchie was his nickname.  So i am indeed Frenchie's Doris.  

 

Thanks again for all your kind words and thoughts and advice..... i try to be more positive... taking it day by day.... and try to find something good about every day... Today was hearing the bagpipes when I felt so alone ... it made me feel he was near me.  

 

I am sending virtual hugs to everyone who needs one.. I know I do...!