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Missing my mom tonight


BaileyB

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Hi Baileyb,

 

I´m really sorry for your loss. I wish I had more advice to give to you, but my story is not similar, my parents had been divorced for more than 20 years, so I always had to deal with their realtionships. I can only tell you, if  were in your place, I wouldn´t be ok with it, like you. It upsets me that almost anyone mentions my dad, I can´t imagine having to see another person using his stuff and place, which is now my place... That said, I also believe what your dad did came out of grief, he probably felt all these extreme emotions and had to find a distraction, a woman can be widowed for years, but men find it more difficult, adding that to an advanced age, he probably got terrified of being alone.

 

It´s probably hard and you shouldn´t have to feel that imposition, but if you want to keep up a relationship with your father just try and let him know softly that you love him, but his relationship leaves you uncomfortable and maybe both of you can meet halfway, somedays she can be there, others only your father.

 

When someone so close to us dies, we grieve for the loss of the person, for the life we had and for the one we´ll never have, so I can relate to the feeling of not "being happy how I used to be", it seems you changed and the person before the loss is another one.

 

Hang in there, a big hug

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Hi BaileyB,

 

(and warm wishes, MissuDad)

 

I'm sorry about your mom, BaileyB, and your confusion with your dad :(

 

Loosing someone we love is such a hard, hard thing.  Even if you are in the perfect family where everyone showed respect all your life and everyone knew they were loved and it was roses and sunshine and 3.5 children and a dog, loss is devastating.

 

When you add the complications that can happen in this life, it can be mixed up to no end.

 

I'm glad to hear that the haunted parts of your memories with your mom are changing.  I know the turmoil that can bring and I know the relief that can happen when that starts to shift. 

 

It sounds like you're trying so hard to be a reasonable woman.  I admire you for that.  I think that had your dad just waited a little more time, you wouldn't be experiencing this difficulty.  I remember when my dad died, there was quite a bit of the child-me that was re-invoked.  I couldn't let her be visible to anyone else, but I remember vividly the trauma that the little girl me was experiencing, right beside the adult me.  Also, I remember when both my sister and my father died I became almost a champion to their memory and to my relationship with them.

 

I tell you this because it seems very, very natural to me that when your mom died, and you only had your dad, that you would be both needing him for you, as a child and an adult, and needing him to be that champion, along with you, for your mom.  Had he given you some grieving time, had he had some time with you to be honest and raw in her loss, it seems to me, just by the way you've written things, that you would have been much more accepting of his wanting companionship.

 

In that regard, I can only say this: we're all crazy.  Grief makes us, in my opinion, insane.  It might just be in little ways but it might be in big, huge ways.  Maybe insane seems like a bit of a harsh word, but in our darkest hours, that's what it feels like, yes?

 

But besides the pain type of insane, there are so many different reactions to loss, it's just astounding to me.  My mother didn't cry when my sister died.  I believe she was actually in shock for 3 years.  Until my dad died.  Then she cried and cried and became insanely depressed and only now, over two years from my dad dying, is starting to laugh again.

 

I guess I'm telling you this to reinforce what I'm sure you know, there is no one way and people's actions don't necessarily mean anything about what they're feeling.

 

But this doesn't help you, I know.  Because I know that you want to have something of you dad that's real to the relationship, you want something so it doesn't feel like you've lost everything from your safe childhood world.  And I'm so very sorry for that.  The only thing I can say is that you may find that you do get to see glimpses of it, probably when you're not looking for it anymore.

 

You're very, very right that losing someone we love changes us.  it's really hard to understand the changes in ourselves so it's sometimes terribly hard to understand them in someone else - especially when part of us is craving, desperately, for that person to not change but to be with us in our place of grief and trying to sort out life; especially when that person is someone we feel should be looking after us, that should be thinking about us, us as children or us as a family.

 

It's just all very understandable that you would feel the way you do.  And there really is no easy answer but to allow yourself to feel what you're feeling.

 

That's the only thing that I have truly found helps during this terrible and lonely journey, to allow the feelings we're having.  To let them be without judgement.  If you're angry at your dad, the reasonable-woman-you will not talk that down because, especially when we're grieving, our emotions rule.  So when we allow them, when we begin to honour their place in our life, we can start to make choices that take them plus our supposed rational and reasonable self into consideration.

 

And incredible thing about living through loss is that sometimes it is the only thing that allows us, finally, to be true to ourselves.

 

This is seeming like a very long letter but I did want to pass along all the things that I was thinking while reading about you and your mom and your family.  The only other thing that I want to say is that it is ok for you to say to your dad, "I know that you've dealt with mom's loss differently than me but I have to deal with it my way now.  I feel sad about my birthday this year this mother's day and it would be very difficult for me to spend time with ___.  I just want to spend it remembering mom.  If you want, you can come over but otherwise, I'll just see you on another day."

 

In other words, it's ok to be true to yourself.  And being true to yourself will allow you to have a better relationship with your father when you do see him because you won't be (as) resentful.

 

Oh, such a long letter, I do apologize.

 

Bravery is sometimes allowing ourselves to sink into our memories and re-live that hug or being called sweetie when we most need it.  It's very scary because we are in such pain but, like your transforming dreams, sometimes those memories then become things that hold us up.

 

Be gentle with yourself, you have changed.  As much as anything else, grief is a journey about finding out who we now are.  Your joie de vivre will look different than the one you had before, when you do find it again.  And you will.

 

<3

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Hi BaileyB,

 

This too shall pass, but it is natural for you to be feeling like you are.

 

"...I so wish someone could say something that would help me to be ok with this woman."

 

I know that you know that nothing like this can come from outside yourself.  But I do wonder, have you had a conversation with her about how you're feeling?  Not a confrontational conversation, just one that allows you to be truthful with her, that you are having a hard time because you feel like you've lost your dad right on the heals of losing your mom; or that you want to be supportive to their relationship but you do have all these other feelings of wishing your dad had waited even just for his kids to find the tiniest bit of balance before bringing someone new into your lives.  Or being honest and saying that sometimes you just want to have time with your dad and that she might be feeling your sullenness when she's around because, emotionally, that's what you want.

 

I'm thinking this because I always think that no matter how difficult the conversation is, when a person expresses "I feel this way..." and not, "You are making me feel..." to another person, it is usually appreciated (if the person being expressed to isn't either already hyper-vigilant and defensive or narcissistic).  There may be good reasons to have this heartfelt conversation with her: you may find that she becomes an ally - remaining at home and feeling happy that she's helped your father maintain good relations with his children; you may find out that, unlike what your dad claims, she would be completely understanding not being invited to things; you may find her grateful to be included in your thoughts and process and willing to share her insight.

 

And you may find that she is completely narcissistic and then you can stop expending energy on the loop in your mind about wishing you could like her.

 

I think that what your counsellor said was brilliant.  Sometimes, though, having the intellectual knowledge does not soothe the broken heart so please be gentle with yourself and don't try to jump to understanding before you're ready.  You have the right to feel like you do, no matter if this woman was Mother Teresa :)

 

I think your mother will be there with you, too.

 

<3

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"...I so wish someone could say something that would help me to be ok with this woman."

 

I know that you know that nothing like this can come from outside yourself. 

 

<3

I do know that... But it is a nice thought sometimes:). Grief work is not easy!

I have thought about having a discussion with her. There are things with my dad that I have truly let go because I have been able to voice my feelings. These relationships are fragile though and I am worried about how it will be received, such that it may further damage the relationship. I'm also not sure that I will be able to have this conversation without tears... It takes great strength and I don't know that I'm there yet, to be completely honest.

Thanks again for your words. If find great wisdom and some peace in reading your response. All the best to you!

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It's been eight and a half months since my mother passed away. I miss her a lot right now. Although I have others in my life to talk to, I miss her take on things. I miss stepping through the front door and calling out, "Mom, I'm here" and hearing her reply. I miss holding her face in my hands as I tell her she's cute (she was) followed by her pretend indignation and scrunched expression of annoyance as I gave her a hug.

I cannot fathom her absence for the rest of my life. I wonder if this was how it was like for her when her mother died. Looking back, I'd say yes. It would explain a few things. Strangely, I also miss some of the things she did that irritated me. When I hear people complain about their mothers, I want to give them a gentle shake. One day they may actually miss making those complaints. I know I do.

I'm grateful we can express our grief here. It helps.

Mom, I love you.

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I feel like I could have written this post. I have no idea how I will live the rest of my life without my mom. Hugs to you. 

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BaileyB, I'm further back in my journey than you are, but I hope you'll be able to have that talk and it brings you all closer.

mamesgirl, thank you for your sympathy. I remember those first weeks after losing my mother. I hope you're being kind to yourself.

What surprises me (but shouldn't) is how many things or events can trigger grief unexpectedly. Sometimes all I do is feel sad. Other times, like the other night, I find myself crying. It's the way grief is playing out for me. Might be different for someone else.

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That is a wonderfull update, BaileyB.  I'm so glad you shared.  I become quite emotional nowadays to see or hear (or experience) the connections between people because it's become so important.  I'm glad you were able to experience this with your dad :)

 

<3

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