The Responsible One

[daddys girl]

My dad passed April 3, 2014.  He had 4 children, myself and my older brother, plus 2 much younger brothers from a second marriage (25 and 19 respectively).  Dad instilled in his boys a sense of entitlement that knows no bounds - I am the only one among us "kids" that has a clue what real life is about.  I feel so overwhelmed, my older brother lives with my husband and I, but we want him out -  the only reason he was allowed to stay this long is because dad was alive.  he doesn't pay rent, he does things in my home I have expressly refused/forbidden (drugs), etc.  The 19 year old is thankfully with a state agency and getting help for mental illness, but my other 2 brothers are trying to convince him to leave.

 

I am angry that dad left me in this place of pain.  I miss him, but the anger is over shadowing my grief.  I don't know what to do.  I can't have all 3 of them here, my husband would leave me, and rightfully so.  We worked hard for what we have.

 

I'm tired and empty.  I feel guilty that my grief isn't more.

[Heartlight]

Hi DG,

 

I'm sorry about your dad

 

I have experienced feeling unjustified guilt because I wanted to have my own feelings or my own time or my own experience and it was contrary to what my mother wanted.  It is really annoying, in and of itself, to have parents who are able to subtly, whether consciously and maliciously or unconsciously, supersede our choices or desires through the use of guilt.

 

Although you haven't specifically said that's why you continued, while your dad was alive, to let your drug-using brother continue to live with you, I thought this might be the case.  It was easier than either disappointing your father or having the argument or having his unjustified disapproval, etc.

 

I have experienced feeling a great deal of anger, generally, because of being put in that situation. 

 

Please know that I'm speaking of before you add the extra confusion and hurt of grief.

 

The anger went away, for me, when I started finding my place and not allowing the guilt to modify my behavior.  The anger went away when I started to do things like say 'no'.  I also stopped justifying that 'no'.  In other words, I gave myself back permission to have my own preferences and my own choices and I started to understand that I was not responsible for other people's emotions or lives.  I stopped dialoguing with people about my 'no' and replacing it with "because it's what I choose".  I purposefully did not get angry with them for their incessant desire or belief that I was, somehow, responsible for them.  I just chose for me and acted for me, finally, and continued forward with them in a pleasant manner.

 

It is sometimes a hard journey when you are born into the responsible role.

 

You are going to have a lifetime to grieve over your dad so you don't need to feel guilty for anything you're feeling right now.  Grieving is a mixed up process and if you read around you'll be able to see that it has ups, downs, anger, numbness, despair, relief, the whole gamut.  Let that part of your suffering go.

 

Allow yourself to determine what you want now.  When feelings of "I should..." come up, examine them to see whether they are shoulds that really matter to you or shoulds that have been conditioned to matter to you.  It may not be easy, especially if you've had a lifetime of conditioning, so sometimes it becomes about a compromise of action towards an eventual goal: more bite-sized steps that don't trigger the imposed guilt.

 

And as you start to softly regain yourself and let go of that anger, you may find it within you to forgive your father for what he, truly, was brought up to be.

 

Be gentle with yourself as you start to find yourself.

 

<3

[Blackrock]

Sorry for your loss. U should kick the brother out! He's an adult and should learn a lesson. Sheltering him will only harm him in the long run.

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