I thought I would be Okay. . .

[Tossed-into-the-Sea]

But i'm not. 

 

I. AM. NOT. OKAY. 

 

I needed to get ahold of my roommates. not having a phone, I went to yahoo messenger. Where i found that I still had my mother added to the contact list. . . 

 

I've been messaging her ever since. I feel like i'm just going to cry forever and ever and ever and i won't let a tear fall because once I start i won't be able to stop and I'd rather have my roommates think i'm lazy as hell for staring blankly at a computer screen then see me as weak and lonely as i really am. They have already voiced their opinions on how pathetic I am for being so hurt over this. 

 

It's only a joke, right? My mom is queen of tricking people. That's all she ever did. it's all a lie, right? just another game. She's going to get online and read my messages and apologize for leaving me behind! Right?

 

i don't care if it's true or not! I NEED her to be alive! 

[Heartlight]

Hi TS, hugs

 

When my sister died, we all kept writing her on facebook.  Some of my other sisters still write her inbox.

 

I know it's not easy.  God do I ever.  And there is no magic wand, I'm so, so sorry to say

 

I'm sorry, am I correct in remembering you didn't get to go to her funeral?  I was thinking that and thinking, maybe you should have a little memorial service for yourself or anyone else you would like to invite and who would be supportive.

 

It's a terrible time and it's still so new for you.  Did you look into some counselling in your area?  I know it's not a good answer but there are no good answers.

 

Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling, TS.  Remember that most people are more worried about what other people think of them than what they think of you.  Being true enough to yourself to not be ashamed of your sorrow is a strength that people recognize, you'll see.

 

It is not easy and I'm sorry

 

<3

[EHCsBabyGirl]

Sending warm thoughts and prayers your way TS. What you are feeling right now is normal. Your roommates need to be more compassionate and I'm sorry to say are foolish. I realize that I have no idea or true understanding of what you are going through but I can only imagine what you are coping with. Your loss and circumstances of losing your parent are different than mine.

We all experience the stages of grieving differently. When my dad died 4 years ago I went through a period of time where I was both numb and angry at the world. I never really went through the denial stage consciously. I did however have some dreams where my subconscious/unconscious denied his death and had shaken and numbed me to a point that 2010 and 2011 are just total blurs.

Maybe if you were to go to a grief support group offline you could find a network of people who will not judge you unlike your roommates.

Always remember grieving is individual and cannot be measured by any standard. It is okay to be sad or however you feel because your loss and the resulting pain you are feeling is your feelings.

Warm thoughts and virtual hugs and know this you are not alone in this difficult time.

[mwruby1]

Tossed into the sea,

 

You aren't pathetic.... You are grieving your mother. Why shouldn't you be hurt? I cannot believe how your roomates can be so careless at a time such as this. It is never easy losing a loved one. I am sorry you have to even hear such negative comments from your roomates...

[Wendy127]

Maybe your roommates just don't know how to respond. I'd hate to think they are as callus as they sound. Sometimes when people don't know how to respond or how to support a person, they can appear callus.

 

I agree with "Heartlight" that a memorial service may be helpful.

 

Write down all you’d like to say. Even if you hold the service on your own, somewhere private, I think it could be helpful to you.

 

Take extra special care of yourself.