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Struggling with Life


Guest Hardtimes38

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Guest Hardtimes38

I guess I don't know where to start, I have lost my son's father and best friend to suicide. I have been struggling very hard in life and seem to have pushed everyone out. I live with his mother and our son. I speak to only my mother in the outside world. I stay home all day everyday. It seems like everything outside reminds me of him. I don't know who everyone else finds the will to move forward, but if someone has advice I would be more then willing to try something. I have lived like this long enough and need help. I can't afford counseling, I don't have much money and my health is not in the best condition. I lost him August 29, 2012 and this is the first time I have reached out for anyone to help. I have trust issues as well so this is very hard for me to do. ANY advice would be appreciated.

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I am so sorry for your loss :( 

 

That must be a terrible, terrible thing to have gone through, and that you're still going through.

 

It is ok to be this messed up.  Loss of someone we love messes us up.  I was in the pit of despair for a year and a half after my sister died.  And she wasn't my mate.  And I didn't lose her to suicide.  And I still was lost and unavailable for the first year and a half.

 

How you are feeling is understandable.

 

I'm happy you came here.  It is a very good step.

 

Others on the forum who have experiences more like yours can give you more of an understanding of what they went through and how they managed in those moments when nothing seems manageable.  You may even want to read a little more online about other people's experiences.

 

I am feeling, though, that the step that people take when they come here is part of that step of reconnecting with the world.  That there are no answers and only pain within so people are reaching out a grasping hand and hoping that there is another hand at the end of that void that will grab back.

 

This is a beautiful moment in your healing.  And it is really important that you know that it is ok that now is the first time you've reached out.  In fact, it's really important for you to put aside judgement about where you've been and how you've been coping.  This is an added stress that you don't need.

 

I have learned through my experiences, that we never truly heal from the loss of someone we love.  What happens, instead, is we find a way of reconnecting with ourselves and then learning how to allow that deep, deep love that we have for the person we lost to not hurt anymore but instead become fiercely grateful that we hold that love in our hearts.

 

But how we get there is different for each person.  And it is different within an individual for each relationship they lose.

 

Right now, I would suggest starting to be easy on yourself.  Find words you can say to yourself that soothes your own judgement of how fast or slow your process is or what it looks like from the outside.  Most of the time, we have no idea how it's going to unfold and so it can be helpful to just give up needing to know.

 

I'm very happy that you reached out.  I think it would be good for you to participate on the threads maybe or in chat when anyone is there.  Part of grieving is mourning: the expression of our loss, and it is a very important part.  Mourning is the process of allowing our love for our lost one to exist.

 

I know that you said you don't have a lot of money so maybe you can look and see if there is some meet-up groups in your area for grief?  I would phone even memorial homes to see what resources they can point you toward.  There may be some services you might want to go to at a local church or even memorial homes have memory services.  These may be something you find healing, to be near others who are in a similar position to understand you're not alone in how you're feeling.

 

When you read about going outside, I know that might not feel good so there is one more thing I'd like to mention.  When you say that everything outside reminds you of him, I want to gently tell you that this can be a good thing.  When you start to feel the transformation of your pain into the totality of its love, when you see the outside world through those eyes, through those eyes that feel only the love for him, you will be astounded.  It will be like you have been given a gift from him.

 

But for now, please, please be gentle with yourself.  You have taken a very brave step in opening up yourself here.

 

And the most important person that you have opened up to while you have been here, is you.  Please welcome yourself back in and tell yourself you've done the best you could and that it's ok to not understand right now but that together, you that has been lost and you that has taken this step, you will take a look around and see what you can see.

 

<3

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Guest Hardtimes38

Heartlight Thank you for your reply. I have looked into the meet-up groups you mentioned as well as found a few within my travel distance. I just touched the basic of my situation and to my surprise many have experienced the same. So like you said I'm not alone and I also found out if you don't ask no one will know what you are in need of. I will be going a meet group coming up in my area and just wanted to again thank you for the first helping hand to reach out to me. I wish you all the best and hope to hear from you again. I will keep you posted as far as my group goes. I also found one my son can attend. Thanks Again for the new start and hope in life.

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Hi again, HT.

 

I'm glad to hear you've found some places that are close to you.  It's a tough journey we have to go through and it's huge when we can find any small thing that helps us along.  I hope you feel a great deal of support at the meet-up.  Do keep us posted.

 

<3

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