Have you been there when your loved on died?

[Kntuckyrain]

My Dad died from COPD on 2/14/14. He was in and out of the hospital from Thanksgiving 2013.... The last 10 days were really hard. He was in the hospital and going through scans, X-rays, blood tests, etc. They put him on blood thinners and his arms were already so destroyed by the years of prednisone his skin was like tissue. He had pools of blood under the skin.....the last two days he went through terminal agitation. We got him home under palliative care. My step mom and I took care of him 24/7. His last words to me were "help me honey." We did everything we could to make him comfortable. He reverted back to childlike behavior. He was so physically strong but so sick too. He could pull himself up without any help. He would whine he didn't like being told what to do. When he died I was there with my stepmom and the scene I can't shake.....the foam coming out of his mouth. Or how quickly his color changed. We cleaned him up after and dressed him for family that was not there yet. I just keep seeing him dead in my mind. I don't have any home movies of him alive to refer to. I have pictures but it's not the same. Do any of you have similar experiences? Thank you in advance.

[ModKonnie]

Kntuckyrain,

I was there when my father died. At first, those images would not leave my head, but I rarely think of them now. Instead, I concentrate on all the wonderful images I have of him throughout my life. When those images start to invade, I allow them to briefly (because it was part of his life), but then I mentally replace with happier ones.

It will get better for you.

ModKonnie

[mwruby1]

Hello

I was there when my mother died....she died while giving CPR at the hospital. The images from that night haunts me all the time, in which I couldn't sleep because all I thought...think about is what happened.... It didn't help me, to see the hospital team working on my mother laughing as she was coding neither....I do agree with Modkonnie, about immediately trying to think about happier moments you had with your dad. I know it's easier said than done, but it will eventually fade away, the bad images that is.

[Kntuckyrain]

Thank you both. Bella, the pharmacist at CVS laughed at me when I brought in my Dads final prescription from the hospital for his comfort meds. I was so angry. I yelled F this place on my way out, as they wouldn't fill the prescription (hospice did) I then when I was feeling better wrote a scathing email to their corporate office and reported it. I also yelped about it to. I wanted as many people as possible to know how I was treated. People are the pits.

[LecNSed]

Hey there. On Friday march 28th I choose to take my mom off the respirator. She was in septic shock and 3 of her systems had failed. She was so swollen n bleeding freely , platelets were down to 6,000 (norm is at least 125,000)!!! Only taking 3 breaths per min on her own at this point as well heart doing 5 bpm.

My husband and I watched her take those last few breaths. They were very strained. she turned her head and looked at my hubby n I as her eyes bulged out for about 5 seconds... and she was gone. Blood poured from her mouth..and she twitched for the next 30 seconds.everytime I close my eyes. .. I see her gasping n that blood . Haven't been able to sleep at all or even eat.. if I drift off I wake up jumping or startled. Every loud sound, I nearly jump out my skin!

On top of it all I'm 40 weeks pregnant. She's due this Friday and homeless. We struggling to stay in a hotel.

I don't think I will ever get over the trauma of watching her pass. I've cried less today n yesterday but it's been so hard emotionally.

[EHCsBabyGirl]

Hello Kntucky, Bella, LedNSec, and ModKonnie. I too was there when my dad passed. My experience was not nearly as traumatic but still is a little difficult especially now that I am coming up on the 4th anniversary next week.

My Dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer on 2/10/10. He passed 2 months later on 4/10/10. Mom and I suspect he knew long before his diagnosis especially since he also had tumors in his brain, pancreas, and kidney and tests showed it was in his bones. The only reason we found out is that he went into the er because he had heart palpitations and thought he was having a heart attack.

He was in the hospital for about a week as they kept him there to regulate and settle his heart rhythm. Once he came home he and mom made arrangements for in home hospice care.

On 4/9/10 the day before he died my Dad went into the active death stage. From the time I woke up at 7am until the next morning around 4 am my dad never opened his eyes and he would only moan and his breathing was a rattle wheeze. That day my brother and his family came over and we all said our final goodbyes. I believe he sensed our presence there. He became agitated a couple times. When both my brother's children held his hands to say goodbye he seemed to immediately calm.

After my brother left mom and I would check on dad and give him his pain meds every 2 hours to calm and comfort him. I had the evening shift so to speak. From 10 pm to 4 am I would give him the medications and sit and hold his hand and tell him it was okay to go and that I promised to take care of Mom.

I swear that he waited to finally leave after I fell asleep on the couch upstairs at 4 am. He died somewhere between 4 am and 6am when I checked on him and to give him his medicine.

Sometimes I can still hear the death rattle breathing and his moaning. I try to not think about his last day. The pain I feel is still as raw as ever.

I don't really think that time heals the pain exactly. Time does help in that you are able to cope with the loss. I will never be okay with losing dad or accept that he is gone, however I do know I am able to cope with the loss better than I did 4 years ago.

[2peasinapod]

I lost my mum in January. She hid her illness from all the family (her mother did exactly the same 30 years previously) because she didn't want us to worry and because I live 400 miles away from her I didn't realise what was happening until it was too late to help her. On the very last day my Mum was on a syringe driver and was quite agitated, all her family were around her (myself, her father and brother) and my grandad wanted to be there at the very end as he hadn't been able to be there for his wife. The nurses had said if she was very agitated to let them know and they could increase her meds through the syringe driver to help her. I asked them to do this and everyone but myself left the room. 

 

Within 10 minutes of them giving mum the meds she started bleeding from the nose and mouth, twitching and her eyes were bulging. With two nurses present I held my mum's hand as she passed away and it seemed anything but peaceful, I've never been more scared. The worst thing was having to then go and tell my grandfather and uncle that she'd gone and lie to them by telling them it had been peaceful and quick as they'd wanted it to be. I carry a lot of guilt for two reasons. I feel bad for having lied to my family about the ending but I was trying to save them from any uneccessary pain and I also wonder if I hadn't asked the nurses to give those meds at the end whether mum's ending may have been more peaceful when all her family could have been around her. 

 

Three months later I still have days when I can see that last day so clearly :-(

[sunigal2001]

I lost my mother on 2/15/14. She wasn't sick.  I was her caregiver, but at only 60, the majority of the time she was perfectly fine. I was more there to take her to do her errands.

She had an issue with pain medication, like so many.  But, I thought it was something I could handle since it happened often enough.  If she was hot, off to the emergency right away.

He she was regular temp and sleepy. I'd just give her water and let her sleep it off. Keeping an eye on her.      But this time , everything was different and I just made all the wrong

decisions.  She was out of it when I got to her house, but she was talking and sitting in a chair.   The entire week she wanted to go to the hospital, I kept putting it off until the end of the week, because I knew

I'd have more time to stay with her there.  I had no idea how bad off she really was.    I thought once again I'd let her sleep it off. Giving her water,  the same routine, not thinking this was an emergency.

She wasn't hot, or yelling in pain or throwing up or anything like that.   So I assumed ........this was like the other times and I ended up watching my mother slowly die in front of me, without even realizing it.

I feel so stupid. How could I, someone who was a trained caregiver, not just for her, but others through the years. How could I have missed those signs?   Why didn't I just call the ambulance right away?

Why was I that comfortable?    I can't answer any of those questions. I just cry inside because the tears don't seem to flow out anymore.   I'm the oldest of five, but my mom and I were the closest and everyone

expected me to know what to do for my mom at all times.

I can't seem to mourn with my siblings because they sorta want to move on . Not talk about it too much. Focus on the good times.   She died in front of me!!!!!!  That's not something that I can just throw in the back of

my mind and move on.   I hurt because I miss her and because I feel that I should have done more, should have noticed more, paid attention, closer.

Her funeral was upbeat because she was a positive person, so many friends she had.  But, she was sorta my main friend, sister, mother. I told her everything. I didn't feel  the need for too many other confidants.

Now I feel totally alone. I have a child, but kids grow up.  For the rest of my life , I dont know what I am gonna do?   Just get up each day and try to find something to smile about. Miss her so.

[jjl]

Hello everyone. I recently joined and I'm so glad we can be so open. Thank you for sharing. It's both painful and cathartic to share. My mother had had cancer from 2005-2008. Then it was rediscovered in 2011. I got into a prestigious teaching corp across the country and decided to take it because my mom had beat cancer before and they had caught it early this time. I went home about 6 times a year... One of the perks of teaching. She had been doing well, but suddenly the chemo stopped being effective and there were about of complications. I quit my job and was ready to move back last spring, but the doctors reassured me that this new medicine would be the key. I couldn't really support myself if I moved back to New York and I'd lose practically my full ride at a grad school. I was hopeful and optimistic and just had one more year of service and grad school under my contract. I came home for this Christmas break. My mom was out of it because they were pumping her with morphine. She was having trouble with her kidneys and slept most of the time. She hardly ate. Little did I know that my mom was entering the dying process. I flew back to finish the school year with the intention of returning every single break and permanently in June. That was January 3rd. On January 9th, 15 minutes before I had to pick up my students I got a call from my sister saying that I had to fly home immediately because the doctors said my mom had kidney failure about a week to live. I flew home that instant and I arrived in the evening. By this point my mom was barely cognizant. She was so out of it... the next day she asked when she'd be able to get out of the hospital (she had gone through many hospital stays). We had to explain that she was in a hospice and that she wouldn't be leaving. She became out of it and we had to explain it to her again the next day. I remember that she had said that she wasn't ready to stop being our mom. Her words and the pleading tone in voice haunt me. She lasted 17 days in the hospice. My siblings and I literally lived in her hospice room. I had the night shift and held her hand through the night as my 3 siblings slept. The doctors watched her closely and said that she'd pass during the weekend. I watched her closely checking her vitals and alerting my siblings when I thought she'd pass. She was on a strong sedative because when she was alert all she could do was cry out in pain and agony. The cancer had spread everywhere. My siblings were all there when she passed. My siblings weren't saying anything, but I felt it was important to let her know that it was okay and that she could go in peace and that we loved her. We sat by her side. I held onto her hand knowing that was the last time I'd be able to feel her fingertips and then she took one last breath and her eyes lost their flicker of life. I watched her die slowly and there was nothing I could do.

Thank you for letting me share that. The first month I felt a tremendous guilt for being in California and a guilt and feeling of wasted moments because I had been at home December and could have treasured that time more. I'm only 25 and my mom was 67. I wasn't ready to be an orphan and she wasn't ready to stop being my mom...

What I can tell you is you and your siblings will grieve differently and in your own time spans. They may not say how they hurt. Sometimes their way of processing will work for them, but not you. It's okay. Grieve on your own terms. I'm sorry that your mom passed the way that she did, but you were there for her. How could you have known it was her time? Her life was more than just that day and you were there to care for her. Teach your child about your mom, create a journal or scrapbook or something to memorialize her and keep that link between you and her. Continue to let out your feelings. This is a safe space. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here- that goes for everyone here.

[LadyV]

Although  I wasn't there when my father died three years ago, I had saved his life a few months prior when he started to go. It was so terrifying, seeing him gasp for breath and his eyes rolling in the back of his head. Then I had to fight with the descion of letting him go, or fighting for him to live. He was very sick. The last time I did see him was Father's Day, and I was able to say I love you.
My mom died March 5th of this year. I 20 outta 24 hours with her for the last few days. I was able to even crawl into the hospital bed with her and cry, talk, hold her. She too had COPD as well as pulmonary fibrosis. I had to make the decsion to lower her oxygen as I was told it was just prolonging her death, and up the morphine. The last few cohearnt words she said to me was "Knock me out". After I was give the *this is it* talk by the doctor (I was NOT expecting that....yet), I was bawling and holding her. She was sitting up on the hospital bed, as it was easier to breath. I asked her if she knew what was happening and she nodded her head yes. I started bawling and telling her how much I loved her, and she nodded her head.
I left to go get some sleep and was downstairs waiting for the elevator, when her BFF called me from her room and told me she was gone. I was ten minutes too late :(. When I walked into the room, she was laying in bed and her mouth was gaping open. I tried to shut it, but it wouldn't stay.
I kissed her and told her how much I loved her. I still have that last picture in my mind, but I really try to replace it with the love, and the good times.

[Lyllie0304]

My mom died of lung cancer 4/27/14 it started off as cervical cancer and worked it's way up to the liver and lung my mom was 54 years old. When she was treated for her cervical cancer and her immune System was down she got this dosorder called Gilliam barr syndrome it looks a lot like neuropathy but is way more worse she loss the use of her legs and had go into the hospital and then a rehabilitation hostpit to relearn how to walk an she did at that time she became in remission from the cervical cancer then about 4 months after she learned to walk again and our lives got kinda back to some sort of normalcy we found out about the liver and lung she tried to fight it but it just spread sooooo fast that we barly had anytime to react she was weak an couldn't breath and I relizes she was dying something me and her never wanted to admit was happening so our time was spent laughing and having fun until about a week before she died everything came crashing down she turned for the worse we were given a time frame of three months at that time and she lasted a week after the day I stayed with get even tho she had expressed she didn't want me to see "it" happen I felt I had to. then in the blink of an eye it was happening and I remember I was thinking begging for her to let go so she wouldn't suffer anymore I told her it was okay to go and I held her an told her how much I loved her I grabbed her hand so tightly I noticed I had left bruises on her hand. I wish I didn't see it but was glad tht I got to be there to say good bye my and be there so she wouldn't be scared. I miss her very much and still am grieving.

[waterfall]

Hi everyone,

 

All of your posts are bringing up a lot of emotion for me and I felt like I needed to respond. When my Dad died (20 years ago), I had been away for a week. My partner at the time and I had planned to go camping in North Carolina for two weeks. I was in my first year of graduate school and had been under a lot of stress and pressure, so this was going to be our opportunity to relax and decompress. When my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer that had metasticized to his liver, stomach and pancreas, and was receiving Hospice care at home. I knew we needed to change our plans, so we decided to camp on a friend's land locally for one week instead. That way, I would be close if I needed to rush home. Prior to that, I had been having a difficult time knowing how to be with my Dad. He spoke very little and I was very upset that he was not eating. Every time I went to my parents home, I found myself torn between spending time with him and supporting my Mom, who was stressed and exhausted and really seemed to need me to spend time with her when I was there. While camping, I realized that what I needed to do was just to be with him and I was looking forward to spending all day that Sunday (Father's day) when I came back. I bought him the best father's day card and some CD's of music that I thought he would really like. We got home the day before and at 10:00 pm my mother called and told me he was gone. I never got to see him, His body was gone before I got there and because he was cremated I never even had a chance to say good-bye. 

 

Fast forward to March 24th of this year. My Mom was in the hospital with cancer (multiple myeloma). She was in total kidney failure and chemo and dialysis were discontinued. She was in Hospice with a room attached where family could stay. I was determined to be there with her and had stayed all night and all day until about 2 pm when my brother came. Prior to that, she kept saying, why don't you go and get some rest, so I went back to her home to see if I could get some sleep, planning to go back to the hospital in the evening. Less than two hours after I got to the house, I got a phone call from my brother that she was gone. The last thing I remember was her blowing me a kiss and waving good-bye, but I had wanted so much to be there, to be with her to say good-bye. The thing is, I don't think she wanted me to be there. I think she needed me to leave so she could let go.

 

After my brother called, I rushed back. When I got to the hospital, she too was lying in bed with her mouth wide open. I was surprised that her skin was still warm and I held her hand and cried and sat with her, stroked her hair, and talked to her. I couldn't believe she was gone. I had the hardest time walking away. I didn't want to go. I knew that when I walked out that door that I would never see her again.She was the very best friend I had in the world. She was the one person who truly understood me.To this day, I don't know how I had the strength to walk away.  I don't know what my life will be like without her.

 

Thank you all so much for this opportunity to share my experiences. I'm sorry to ramble on but it is helpful to know that there are people out there who can relate. My heart goes out to all of you. 

[rene5511]

I lost my mum in January. She hid her illness from all the family (her mother did exactly the same 30 years previously) because she didn't want us to worry and because I live 400 miles away from her I didn't realise what was happening until it was too late to help her. On the very last day my Mum was on a syringe driver and was quite agitated, all her family were around her (myself, her father and brother) and my grandad wanted to be there at the very end as he hadn't been able to be there for his wife. The nurses had said if she was very agitated to let them know and they could increase her meds through the syringe driver to help her. I asked them to do this and everyone but myself left the room. 

 

Within 10 minutes of them giving mum the meds she started bleeding from the nose and mouth, twitching and her eyes were bulging. With two nurses present I held my mum's hand as she passed away and it seemed anything but peaceful, I've never been more scared. The worst thing was having to then go and tell my grandfather and uncle that she'd gone and lie to them by telling them it had been peaceful and quick as they'd wanted it to be. I carry a lot of guilt for two reasons. I feel bad for having lied to my family about the ending but I was trying to save them from any uneccessary pain and I also wonder if I hadn't asked the nurses to give those meds at the end whether mum's ending may have been more peaceful when all her family could have been around her. 

 

Three months later I still have days when I can see that last day so clearly :-(

 

2peas - are you still here? I hope so and mostly i hope you are doing better now. I don't think you should feel guilty at all about what you told your family. Making that choice, to spare them pain even if it added to your burden, was a very loving thing to do, and having the presence of mind to make that choice under such duress shows a great deal of courage and heart.

 

Hoping for you the very best,

Rene

[BethAnnF]

My mom passed away just this week, on Thursday.  I thought it would be peaceful like so many people say.  But it didn't feel peaceful to me at all!  She struggled that entire day, was totally conscious even though they were giving her tons of morphine and atavan.  She had pulmonary fibrosis and then got double pneumonia.  She was only 76 years old but was in long term care due to lots of illness and stuff.  She suffered so much!  I stayed with her except for short breaks.  I was told she would pass but I guess I was in denial, I thought she would have at least another day or two then would just go to sleep.  Instead when they took her off the CPAC or whatever it is called and went to put her back on oxygen (we had decided this was more humane, she was really doing badly on the CPAC) she began struggling horribly.  I had to go upstairs to her long term care unit and sign some papers for hospice, they were going to bring mom up to her regular room so she'd be in a familiar place.  The plan was to give her lots of drugs to keep her comfortable.  Like I said, I thought we would time to get her back in her normal bed and I'd sit with her all night and she would go.  But when they brought her up she immediately went into distress and they ran and got me and said she was literally taking her last breaths.  I ran into her room, they had the bed in the doorway on the gurney.  She was ashen, she had bruising on her face from the mask and her eyes were like slits, one was open more and her pupils were huge and dark.  Her mouth was open and she was taking these really long breaths with lots of space in between.  She looked like freaking death itself and about 90 years old!  I freaked out!  I started shouting no no no no no over and over again, and sobbing and hysterical and I remember saying I can't do this, I can't do this, I don't want to do this, and trying to run away.  I had like 6 nurses and the hospice lady with me, all hanging onto me and trying to calm me down.  They told me I could leave if I wanted and I said no, I promised her I'd be there.  I cried and cried and put my hand on her shoulder, I tried to hold her hand but it was so limp it upset me.  I just kept saying I'm here, I'm here, I wanted desperately to know that she knew I was there.  She didn't speak or make any sound aside from breathing, then she took 2 tiny breaths and was still.  Her mouth was still wide open and her tongue was grey.  I can't get this image out of mind, how horrible she looked.  There was no peaceful look, there was no "I see angels" or aura or anything like that.  No final words of wisdom or love.  Afterwards they got her in her bed and took off tubes and tried to make her look nice for me, but her mouth never did close.  We sat with her for a couple hours and that was it.  Worst moment of my life.  But at the same time, I am so grateful I was there for her.  

[Katieansara]

On 4/2/2014 at 3:14 PM, LecNSed said:

Hey there. On Friday march 28th I choose to take my mom off the respirator. She was in septic shock and 3 of her systems had failed. She was so swollen n bleeding freely , platelets were down to 6,000 (norm is at least 125,000)!!! Only taking 3 breaths per min on her own at this point as well heart doing 5 bpm.

My husband and I watched her take those last few breaths. They were very strained. she turned her head and looked at my hubby n I as her eyes bulged out for about 5 seconds... and she was gone. Blood poured from her mouth..and she twitched for the next 30 seconds.everytime I close my eyes. .. I see her gasping n that blood . Haven't been able to sleep at all or even eat.. if I drift off I wake up jumping or startled. Every loud sound, I nearly jump out my skin!

On top of it all I'm 40 weeks pregnant. She's due this Friday and homeless. We struggling to stay in a hotel.

I don't think I will ever get over the trauma of watching her pass. I've cried less today n yesterday but it's been so hard emotionally.

@LecNSed My Mom passed last month from septic shock and we chose to take her off life support as well.  It was a horrible way to go.  I feel your pain.  

[JackieF3]

I was there when my mom died. My dad and brother left the room and it was just us. I told her I loved her and thanked her for being my mom, and I don't know if she heard me or I was too late. She died so peacefully I didn't notice. I am very grateful for that, I just wish I knew if those words were the last she heard. I hope they were. 

I recenlty drove past the hospice house where she died, about three months ago, and the day has been replaying in my head over and over ever since. I haven't slept well all week. It is no nice that she wanted me with her when she went, but it is also so hard to reconcile seeing the person who gave you life lose hers. 

I'm glad I'm not alone in this. I am currently on this forum at work because I've had a tough morning and needed to let it out so I can focus. 

Thanks everyone for sharing your stories.

[Janey]

BethAnnF, I'd love to know how you are now. I was with my brother when he died 2 days ago and like your experience his death was far from peaceful. He was shouting and repeating help me, as though he was terrified. I can't get it out of my head and am overwhelmed with pain I feel I can't go on.

[Saraskelton]

On 4/22/2017 at 7:37 PM, Katieansara said:

@LecNSed My Mom passed last month from septic shock and we chose to take her off life support as well.  It was a horrible way to go.  I feel your pain.  

My mom also passed 11-7-17 from septic shock from pneumonia  caused by her lung cancer we knew nothing about. It was very sudden and It wasn't pleasant sseeing her go that way. She was also on blood thinners which when reading your story was very similar to mine. I hope you  are doing ok 

 

On 4/2/2014 at 0:14 PM, LecNSed said:

Hey there. On Friday march 28th I choose to take my mom off the respirator. She was in septic shock and 3 of her systems had failed. She was so swollen n bleeding freely , platelets were down to 6,000 (norm is at least 125,000)!!! Only taking 3 breaths per min on her own at this point as well heart doing 5 bpm.

My husband and I watched her take those last few breaths. They were very strained. she turned her head and looked at my hubby n I as her eyes bulged out for about 5 seconds... and she was gone. Blood poured from her mouth..and she twitched for the next 30 seconds.everytime I close my eyes. .. I see her gasping n that blood . Haven't been able to sleep at all or even eat.. if I drift off I wake up jumping or startled. Every loud sound, I nearly jump out my skin!

On top of it all I'm 40 weeks pregnant. She's due this Friday and homeless. We struggling to stay in a hotel.

I don't think I will ever get over the trauma of watching her pass. I've cried less today n yesterday but it's been so hard emotionally.

My mom also passed 11-7-17 from septic shock from pneumonia  caused by her lung cancer we knew nothing about. It was very sudden and It wasn't pleasant sseeing her go that way. She was also on blood thinners which when reading your story was very similar to mine. I hope you  are doing ok