[ModKonnie]

terra, on 03 October 2011 - 10:23 AM, said:

I am coping with grief and my marriage is a mess. It is so hard. My husband is home all the time now and I feel such tension when he is around. I can not find peace. I have contributed to the problems but feel in such a hole that it is hard to work on it. We both snipe at each other and are frustrated. Not good. I am overwhelmed. I know it will get better at least I hope so.

Terra,
Why is your husband home all the time? And if he is home all the time, can you get out? Perhaps it is time to get some professional grief and loss help. The counselor will more than likely also give you some tips on how to maintain relationships during this terrible time.
Have you tried to tell him how overwhelmed you feel at the moment? What is his reaction? We'll help you sort through this situation. It will get better. He may be overwhelmed that you are overwhelmed. Are you normally the one who does everything and manages it all? He may not know how to cope right now and is simply trying to "force" you back into being what he thinks is the "real you."
ModKonnie

[terra]

I am coping with grief and my marriage is a mess. It is so hard. My husband is home all the time now and I feel such tension when he is around. I can not find peace. I have contributed to the problems but feel in such a hole that it is hard to work on it. We both snipe at each other and are frustrated. Not good. I am overwhelmed. I know it will get better at least I hope so.

[kelly]

Dear Members,


We are excited to mention that we are moving to a more new and improved message boards on MONDAY MORNING AUGUST 9th! The boards will be done for a few hours while we are making the conversation. Remember we posted information about this move a month ago. For some of you this might seem a bit sudden,  but when we were reviewing the site we determined the current message board you are using is out of date and the company that designed it is no longer in existence. The good news is this new message board will have new features that have been requested in the past like more fields we can add to your profiles and a chat room up to 20 people at one time. If we find the chat room is bursting at the seams we will add additional room for extra people. All your old posts, private messages and such will be migrated to the new message board. You might have to put up your profile picture again but not sure. The new company will be doing the migration for us. Here is a short list of some of the new features on the board:


- Custom Profile Fields
- Users can customize their profile pages by selecting a background color or background image, with tiling options.
- Facebook and Twitter Integration
- users can respond to multiple posts at once with "mini-quote"
- Pinned discussion threads - like welcome to our board etc.
- Announcements made across some boards or the entire message board
- Search: Users can easily find all content generated by a particular member, by clicking the 'Find Content' button that appears on the main profile page, or in the Mini Profile Popup which can be accessed throughout the board. The results page allows content to be filtered by application, as well whether the member created it or merely participated in it.
- Privacy: allows users to sign in anonymously, hiding them from the online users list. Users also have the option to disable personal conversations and user-to-user emails, as well as ignore other users if necessary.


The next exciting piece of news about the new message board is it will have a new domain name of www.grieving.com for search engine optimization purposes. It will still be apart of Beyond Indigo and can be found through www.beyondindigo.com. We will be redirecting your current URL's to this new domain name but we might miss a few. If that is the case simply go back to www.grieving.com or www.beyondindigo.com to find your message board thread. We will try to make the transition as seamless as possible.


The bottom line is the new board will give us room to grow our community and more options to interact better with each other.


If you have any questions please direct them to feedback@beyondindigo.com.


Kelly Baltzell, MA
CEO/President
Beyond Indigo Family

[reniena]

Chad and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. We lost our first son the first year we were together. The next year or so we spent fighting. I mean really fighting as once I ended up in the hospital and once I ended up in jail. I actually left him for a couple months when our second son was an infant. Since we have gotten back together, everthing has been fine. We've had three babies since our son died. He told me a few days ago that for a long time he thought that I had caused our son's death, which was from sids. A full autopsy was performed on our son. Now I know where all the anger came from, but now I feel mad, sad, and well, MAD! How could he think that? Why the hell would he think that? I know he was being honest but I don't understand why he would feel that way. I can't even talk to him right now. What can I say. We suffered this horrible loss and for years you blamed me! Any advice?

[wyomingsal]

Edythe,

I don't envy your position.  I know my situation is different but I see similarities.  I lost my oldest boy last July.   He has siblings.   I truly love each and every one of my children but I talk a lot about my Heavenly boy.   There comes a time and responsibility of the surviving party to live for the living not just wallow in memories of those who have gone ahead of us.  We are living here right now with others who need us and love us.  In no way is my love for my Heavenly boy lessened, but if I were to conintually talk just about my Joshua and never my living children they could never live up to his memory.  The memory tends to grow in glory and the bad times are minimized.  You would never know about the hurts and hard times with the deceased.  I believe the couseling mentioned by Claudia would be a great idea.  I know you are afraid to hurt him any more however he must start to realize that you are alive and here now and need him to love you in the present.  It is not fair for you to be his grief support and place to vent and cry without him really even seeing you.  I am not saying he shouldn't  grieve at all, but there needs to be some balance.  The grieving person has some responsibility in the way he or she acts and treats others even while they are hurting.  He needs, I believe, to find some other support to share all his feelings about his lost SO and start living when he is with you.  It would to hard for my children if I didn't constantly reinforce that I love them just as much as Joshua.  I would grieve just as hard for any of them.  I would think of things that reminded me of them all the time if they were the ones gone.  I love them. 

Take care

Sal

[4everjoeysmom]

Edythe, It sounds like you are both, together and individually, battling a ghost, so to speak.  In your case you are also competing, which makes this complicated for the both of you--your SO for his loss, and you for living in the shadow of his loss.  It really sounds like you have been more giving and patient than most could be given the sitaution and length of time you have been sticking it out.  I don't envy anyone who is the SO of one who grieves hard, as my husband went through so much pain with me when I lost a child.  What struck me by your post was that it seems ever since you met your SO, you have been caretaking, trying to make it all better, and walking in the shadows of his grief, his lost love.  Hopefully the relationship is not based or centered on the grief, because that certainly is not fair to you.  You are sacrificing a lot of your self, like putting your self on a shelf until he gets over this--and what if he doesn't?  Or what if it takes many years for him to work through it all.  What is your relationship outside of the loss?  Do you share things about each other and with each other that have nothing at all to do with the role of griever and caretaker?  Why does he love you?  Is he ok with committing his life with you?  Has he said so specifically?  Or is it an unspoken understanding?  These are questions for you--not to answer here.  And I ask because people can really get trapped and lost behind certain roleplaying and not realize that there's another dimension to the realtionship that hasn't even begun, the deeply personal relationship with each other, about each other, without the third wheel--the one who has died.  Have you talked about or considered couples counseling?  If you two are truly lifetime committed, it's worthwhile to address and consider, especially given the depth and intensity of the situation and what you are feeling.  You ask what you can continue to do for your SO, when truly it appears you are giving all of yourself to the cause.  What are you doing to take care of you?  There are two people in this relationship to make it work, and as long as there will be three daily and intimately, it seems it will be very difficult for you emotionally as well as for him.  There are no easy answers here...  I recommend grief counseling for the both of you, and couples counseling as part of that if possible....  and sincerely wish you the very best.  You sound like a woman with a huge heart, and he is blessed to have you for his friend.  -Claudia

[edythe]

No one has posted on here for a long time, so I don't know if this will get any response, but it's worth a try... I started posting this message on another thread, but I think it's more appropriate here.

I'm "lurking" these message boards as the partner of a grieving man. We are not married yet, but I consider my relationship with him to already be a marriage, if that makes any sense. We've expressed a mutual life-time commitment to each other. I started reading these message boards to try to get some further insight into his situation beyond his description of events. I have to say that while I love my partner more than I have ever loved anyone, being involved with someone who is grieving the loss of a previous significant other is one of the most gut-wrenchingly painful experiences I've ever had. His previous SO committed suicide two years ago, and I met him eight months after she had died. The entire situation seems completely unreal. At times I even feel like I am the stranger on the outside intruding upon his relationship with her, if that makes any sense. I feel like I am compared to her, I feel like I have to live up to her or compete with her in some way, which is a very strange feeling. However, I try not to express these feelings to my SO because I understand the importance of his need to work out his experience with her. But sometimes it is too much for me. I know that's terrible...If I feel overwhelmed, I can't imagine how awful it must feel for him. The way he describes their relationship, they were like partners in crime. Caring for him while he has been grieving has consumed most of my emotional and physical energy, and sometimes it feels like it is never going to end. But at the same time, I want to be there for him. I want to be that person that he can rely on. I try to focus on being the best girlfriend he could ever have, and I try to do as much as possible to eleviate his pain. We talk about her a lot, and I try to listen to him as if he were telling a story or as if I were watching a movie. Admittedly, though, that's very hard to do when the person you love is talking about how much they are still in love with someone else,  how beautiful that person was or how magical and wonderful that person was, when they relate to you a particular sexual experience that they had of their friend, and how they will always love them. He tells me that he never would have survived this time in his life without my support, which makes me feel even guiltier for my inner resentments that I can't have a "normal relationship" and my jealousy of his friend. What also hurts a lot is that he won't come to bed to sleep next to me, and I know it's because he's up all night thinking about her. I don't know how to describe it very well without sounding like a self-absorbed jerk, but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. The whole experience is very surreal, and I feel like describing these feelings with my SO is off-limits, and for good reason. I want him to be able to experience and work through his grief without worrying about another person. We've talked about it a couple of times, and I felt like such an awful person afterwards because it didn't make anything better, and it just made him feel guilty. Maybe some of the grieving people here can tell me how I can really help my partner...he's my best friend and the love of my life, and I just want him to feel better, but I know that will take time. I guess what I'm asking is, if you had a partner who was helping you through your grief, what would you want them to do? And if you have someone with you now, what have they done that really helped you a lot?

Wow, sorry for the long reply... I have a lot of emotion and thoughts pent up, and I really don't have an outlet for them. This isn't exactly the kind of thing that you can talk with your friends about over crumpets and tea. It gets very dark and very scary for me, and I don't have anyone to talk to.

[momofjohn]

It's been 10 months 17 days since i lost my son John. My situation has been similar to yours. I just want to be by myself. But I have another son (12) at home and I have to be there for him. I is really hard.

[4everjoeysmom]

4froggies, I can so relate to the growing resentments you and your husband are facing. My husband was an absolute rock for my family when my 24 year old son Joey died last year. He did the eulogy, hung tight with anyone and everyone that needed to talk, cry, whatever, and he was an absolute saint in supportin gme through that time. I had some problems in the first several months with my coping and he just didnt know what to do for me. He is not as outward with his hurts, and while he hurt too, he juts needed to cope in a different way. needless to say we coped apart for a while--just not even on the same plane. We've been married five years, so though not newlywed, he felt robbed for losing a part of his wife, knowing I would never again be the same woman he married.

What compiunds your situation is the fact that you are newlyweds. From a completely objective viewpoint, I can fully relate to your pain, how different you feel, how much our level of "love and respect" with our loved ones passed is sewn into our grief. On the other hand, I can just imagine and almost feel how your husband must feel completely robbed of the "newlywed" experience--the way he dreamed (and so did you before the loss) of how things would be for the two of you. he's missing out on the complete joy in having a new bride, because his new bride is broken. I know grief is real and surreal, and horrednously painful. But can you look outside of it for just a sec to see how this affecting him too? He's as devastated as you are--maybe for a different reason, but devastated none the less. I imagine he is craving for what you both dreamed of having in your forst year, not to mention the first months. You've beenmarried just over 3 months--NEWlyweds.

I know all too real how a catastrophic loss changes a life. Believe me! I lost my child after having him, raising him, living with him and loving him for 24 years. He was just gone suddenly, and without warning. He was one of the great loves of my life. SO, I can imagine your pain, though it is different, it also is deeply similar in what it does to us. But in my 14 months of journeying through this loss I've learned some things. Life is precious. When someone is gone, you cannot bring them back. The pain is awful and relentless, but it lets us know we are still alive. I have a wonderful husband that would do anything for me and stick by me through anything as long as I let him. And yes, it was ME that was pushing him away. And I would venture to say that your husband loves you so deeply and has not the slightest knowhow--he feels utterly helpless in knowing what to do to help you, to fix things so you will feel happy and warm and safe.

You said, " I just dont think I could handle losing both in one lifetime..." As hard as it is to look outside of ourselves and our own grief, it is a choice you will have to make, because whether or not you lose your husband has in part to do with how you receive him, love him, care for him, express to him, share with him, and LIVE your life with him. When we lose someone we love, a part of us goes with them. That is true. But please ask yourself, would daddy ever want to see his little girl suffer on his account? Would he want you to be so focused on his passing that you lose sight of what's still alive?--you, your husband, and your marriage being a few of those things.

Yes! grieving a loss takes time. You are still mourning, and I mourned for just over a year. But I will grieve in some aspects for a lifetime. The real significant lesson I am learning is it is not the grief itself and how it became, but what I choose to do with it that is making me who I am today. I chose life, and love, and my marriage, and to look beyond myself and see that others hurt too. I just expected everyone to behave similarly crushed as I was. But everyone is different. I truly believe that if you stay open and talk with your husband, sharing your journey to help him understand you love him so much and you want to not hurt this much, and ask him to be patient a little while longer, and hold you more and talk less if that's what you need in the moment--just don't shut him out. He's probably scared to death he is going to lose you too. Neither of you got what you bargained or hoped for in these first months of marriage. Share that point with each other and hope and work together to stay connected and grow together perhaps even closer than you were before. It will be different, but it can be just as much if not stronger and more beautiful than you ever imagined, because you got through together one of the most devastating events in a person's lifetime. You may have missed the honeymoon (considered the 1st year or so to newlyweds) in the first few months, but that doesn;t mean you can't pick it up and begin again. It may take you a little while to get through some of the deeper emotions. And I don't think he is trying to rob you of that. He's most likely just trying to figure out how to keep this loss from killing you and him. I'm sure he's had attacks of desperation and hasn't said anything for fear of making you feel worse while at the asme time sharing the same fear you have.

My only advice, as hard as it is not to be wrapped up in yourself and your grief, try to remember he is grieving with you and for you. My husband told I began to live and breathe again how the worst part of all of this was for him feeling so helpless in not being able to make everything ok for me. He wanted more than anything for me to be ok...

Sending Hugs and much love and compassion in your loss. I'm so very sorry for your pain. I pray the love and cherished memories with your dad will bring you to healing. Always, Claudia

[4froggies]

I guess my problem is a little different. My dad died suddenly, 3 weeks to the day before I married my now husband. My dad was so excited, of the 10 children he had in his all too short life, I am the 9th and would have been the first daughter he walked down the aisle.

My husband stood by me and my family through this whole mess. My family has learned to count on him like never before. It has been 4 months since my dad died and while he has been there to help out at mom's house, we often fight about where i am in my healing--and why i am not farther. We had the summer of weddings this past summer (including our own) and each one after ours was harder and harder---watching the bride by escorted by her father, witnessing their first dance. Every one (except the last which was just this past Saturday) I tried to stick it out but couldn't this last time. It was just too hard. I am hurt and dumbfounded by the fact that my husband thinks i should be farther. But moreover, I am resentful that he doesn't respect the love my dad and I had for each other and the vast emptiness that now is my life. I feel like i am a totally different person now that my dad is gone and am afraid that if I don't "get back on track" that he will get frustrated and leave..

He is a good man and I love him very much, but so was my dad and he left without warning. I just dont think I could handle losing both in one lifetime...

[Micheal Shane]

Why do they cheat. Ask them. They have the most rational sensible reasoning imanginable. The base their premise in having a spouse that they can't communicate with, they can't connect with, they feel a stranger too. They blame circumstances and timing, many things with no specifics. They justify it by saying they tried and are ashamed they failed, but so it goes.
I know this is lame, but its 8 months since my son died.
My marriage and most of my relationships have been changed forever. The overriding excuse for my husband was the death caused me to become lost. He wasn't lying. But after some intial support I found communicating with him hard. I continued to think it was me. He worked more, slept downstairs to give me space!
He has been able to find a caring friend that listens to how hard it has been since Mike died. She listens, nods and understands. She feels his pain!!!
So I guess they cheat for a number of reasons, but mainly BECAUSE THEY CAN!!!

[jasmin]

There is a burning question that Im sure that both husbands and wives would like an answer to....Why do people feel the need to cheat ? I just dont understand. I believe that your marriage vows are one of the most serious words we ever say in our lives. Promising to love one another for a lifetime is one hell of a commitment and should NOT be taken lightly. If you decide to marry someone and you're not totally certain that you can be faithful then why get married ? Maybe I'm old fashioned BUT for all you married liars and cheaters be glad that Im not in charge of issuing out punishment for you..men and women. Life is hard enough without anyone having to worry about their husbands and wives cheating on them. And for those of you who are dating a married man or woman....YOU DESERVE WHATEVER YOU GET !!

[missustoad]

Sorry I didn't sign -- Melody

[missustoad]

I feel so much like running away from my husband and daughter. My husband has no visible love for me anymore and my dad's death has only heightened my sensitivity to the situation. My adopted daughter is a source of conflict between us, she is a trauma victim, has tics (like Tourette's), ADHD, probable Oppositional Defiance, maybe some Conduct Disorder; and my husband refuses to modify his in your face aggressive way of dealing with her, which just kicks her already bad behavior up a notch. He refuses to get a job closer to us (for the last ten years he has commuted one and a half hours each way to his job, plus taken a night teaching job twice a week). Like most adult children of alcoholics, he is a rescuer, and he rescues everyone except me. I thought I could put up with this. I don't think I can anymore. But I know I must, for at least a while. My arthritis is too bad to set up a big enough garage sale and sell the house immediately.

Quote

Well...things finally came to a head last night. We erupted at each other after so much silence and coldness.

The worst thing he said to me other than a few choice words was, "May 17th I was happy with everything in my life, and I knew I wanted to propose to you in the next year and marry you, and May 18th (when his Dad passed)I’m not sure what I want anymore. I have 25 yrs to live and I’m going to do what makes me happy.” Everything he named off like running, going out with his friends, etc. didn’t include me in his reasons for making him happy...

He thinks he only has 25 yrs to live because his grandfather died at 52, his Dad died at 48, and he thinks his family is cursed and that he will follow in his footsteps.

He did admit to me that he has been seeing a therapist for the last 4 wks and that the therapist has said that he should accept his fate. Meaning that if he thinks he is going to die in 25 yrs then he has to accept that. What the hell kind of a therapist says that??????

[bella82]

Well...things finally came to a head last night. We eruped at each other after so much silence and coldness.

The worst thing he said to me other than a few choice words was, "May 17th I was happy with everything in my life, and I knew I wanted to propose to you in the next year and marry you, and May 18th (when his Dad passed)I’m not sure what I want anymore. I have 25 yrs to live and I’m going to do what makes me happy.” Everything he named off like running, going out with his friends, etc didn’t include me in his reasons for making him happy...

He thinks he only has 25 yrs to live because his grandfather died at 52, his Dad died at 48, and he thinks his family is cursed and that he will follow in his footsteps.

He did admit to me that he has been seeing a therapist for the last 4 wks and that the therapist has said that he should accept his fate. Meaning that if he thinks he is going to die in 25 yrs then he has to accept that. What the hell kind of a therapist says that??????

[bella82]

Quote

Hi, I'm new. While I am not married...yet, I have been in a loving relationship for almost 4 years, and we do someday want to get married. Recently, my boyfriend's father passed away in a tragic accident at work. My bf, 25, is having a terrible time dealing with this. While he is supportive and strong for his Mom and younger sister, he is snappy and short with me. I give him his space, but also want him to know that I am here for him as well. I don't want to smother him, but I did not expect to become invisible either. I can barely get him to cuddle with me before bed, let alone show any other more physical intimacy with me.

Mind you, it's been about 6 weeks since my future father-in-laws death, am I being too impatient or selfish by wanting some "normalcy" in our relationship? I don't want our relationship to fizzle and end because of this. Suggestions?

Do a search on an article called "Death: The Ultimate Loss" Its on this board somewhere. There is some good information there that may help each of you to understand.

Right now it sounds like you are his rock and often a rock gets pushed down the more weight that is leaned upon it. His grief may take years - let him grieve. Step back for your own self and health - but let him know that you are stepping "back" not "away". Perhaps you can step in and help his mother/sister and let him have a break from being their rock. Take some food to them - take them to a movie or just for a drive. Bring some ice cream and a DVD to them and watch it with them - without your boyfriend.

Of course you want normalcy and your 'old' routine back. But it may not happen for a very long time, if at all. He may change, but that doesn't mean its for the worse. Your relationship can still grow even now. Sometimes being there for him may mean leaving him alone and spending time with your 'in-laws'.

------------------------------

Thank you for the suggestions. I have tried doing things like that as well, taking his Mom strawberry picking, working in her garden with her, etc. While they have all immersed themselves in work it's pretty difficult to try and get a free moment with them.

PS I am having a hard time finding this article you speak of. I'm not getting any results in my search.

[HokeyReligions]

Quote

Hi, I'm new. While I am not married...yet, I have been in a loving relationship for almost 4 years, and we do someday want to get married. Recently, my boyfriend's father passed away in a tragic accident at work. My bf, 25, is having a terrible time dealing with this. While he is supportive and strong for his Mom and younger sister, he is snappy and short with me. I give him his space, but also want him to know that I am here for him as well. I don't want to smother him, but I did not expect to become invisible either. I can barely get him to cuddle with me before bed, let alone show any other more physical intimacy with me.

Mind you, it's been about 6 weeks since my future father-in-laws death, am I being too impatient or selfish by wanting some "normalcy" in our relationship? I don't want our relationship to fizzle and end because of this. Suggestions?

Do a search on an article called "Death: The Ultimate Loss" Its on this board somewhere. There is some good information there that may help each of you to understand.

Right now it sounds like you are his rock and often a rock gets pushed down the more weight that is leaned upon it. His grief may take years - let him grieve. Step back for your own self and health - but let him know that you are stepping "back" not "away". Perhaps you can step in and help his mother/sister and let him have a break from being their rock. Take some food to them - take them to a movie or just for a drive. Bring some ice cream and a DVD to them and watch it with them - without your boyfriend.

Of course you want normalcy and your 'old' routine back. But it may not happen for a very long time, if at all. He may change, but that doesn't mean its for the worse. Your relationship can still grow even now. Sometimes being there for him may mean leaving him alone and spending time with your 'in-laws'.

[bbarbie55]

Hi! I'm having one of those days. Last friday my husband fell and hurt his ankle and foot,so hes on crutches and can't do anything. I'm not having fun with this.
tI don't know what to do anymore my daughters death is becoming more of a reality everyday. I just want to have the chance to tell her I love he again but I know I can't. I've only seen my grandson twice since her death on April 24th, and I live in the same small town they do. He lets my ex and his wife have him for days and they live 14 miles away. I just feel like I'm losing everything my husband,my grandson and my other daughter. How am I going to be later this month(24th) on her birthday. I can't take all this pain much longer it never is completely gone other things cover it for awhile but it comes back. I even look forward to husband yelling at me it makes me forget. It seems like I'm the only one in my family to feel this way.
I talked to my other daughter and she told me shes having problems with her sisters death, she can't bring herself to talk about her. I told her about this site, I hope she goes to it.
Well I have ranted long enough I wish there was a special cure for this. I think sometimes I'd be better off alone and I am seriously thinking about it. I'm no good in this shape to my family right now. I'm going to see a therapist for help through this.
Deb