New here, not sure if this is the right section.

[Calleis]

Hello everyone, I hope you are all coping well. I joined the forum as I lost my fiance on Tuesday night. It was very sudden and unexpected. I'm not really sure how to get my words out or describe how I feel and I may waffle off topic, apologies in advance. 

 

My fiance was 30 and suffered from Bipolar disorder. He had issues before I met him, so I will have to explain those. He has a son who turned 3 yesterday. He was in a very bitter relationship with his son's mother and I believe that they met in Spain, coming back together. When their son was born, he cared for him most of the time, whilst they lived together. He said that he had faults, but he tried his best for his little boy. There were issues with the social services a couple of months later and his ex girlfriend took their son and ran off back to Spain. This caused a lot of distress to him and his mum and brother had to get him sectioned because he was drinking so much and tried to commit suicide. 

 

I met him a while after this point, and I knew that he was capable of mood swings and we did have quite a few heated arguments. A friend on the internet suggested to him to write letters to his son in Spain and give them to him when he's older, as he was really worried that his son would have felt forgotten, even though he was really loved. He really ached for his son, he mentioned him a lot and kept lots of pictures on his memory card, which he transferred to his phone. I have two children of my own, one of which he called his child too (he agreed to be on her birth certificate). Sometimes when he was holding my youngest, he'd comment on how she reminded him of his son. 

 

I went into hospital for nearly a couple of weeks last month, whilst he looked after my girls. He did struggle with my eldest daughter, as she is autistic and she takes a while to trust people. When I came out, she seemed to be very happy and he did a really good job, as she isn't an easy child, which I said to him. But a couple of days before I left, he seemed really down and acted like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. He wasn't taking care of himself, as he was eating junk food with my eldest and he didn't have a shave. I discussed it with his mum when I came out and she said that she was worried about him. 

 

I got sent for an early scan a couple of weeks ago, due to bleeding and previous miscarriage, and we found out that I was a bit further along than we originally thought. I was a bit apprehensive about the pregnancy, even more so when they found 2 heartbeats. He was really delighted with the news and he told his mum straight after. He kept telling me off for eating unhealthily and drinking too much coffee, which lead to a couple of arguments. He said that I didn't care and we ended up in a really horrid argument which I feel so horribly guilty over and without thinking it through, I threatened to get rid if he left me. I was scared of losing him and I know I shouldn't have said that. We seemed to get over it and although he was acting a bit down and pessimistic, he kept talking about my pregnancy and names. He said how he was looking forward to being a proper dad. We originally planned to get married in July, but he was worried that they would be early and I ended up agreeing to get married in May after another row. 

 

On Tuesday late evening, I went out to get some food and fresh air with his cousin, whilst he said that he was tired and would go for a sleep soon after. I came back with his cousin and we went into the bedroom, I can't even remember the reason now, and my fiance was in bed facing the other direction. So his cousin and I were talking whilst I was sat on the bed and having a laugh. I spoke about his favourite drink, then in conversation, tapped him. I looked around and noticed he wasn't breathing. The panic of me finding him gone, whilst I was sitting on the bed talking about crap still runs through my head. My last words to him were about rubbish. We had to get an ambulance, whilst I was in a complete mess and I couldn't accept that he was gone until they took him to hospital. His cousin found a lot of empty packets of my painkillers, plus aspirin, paracetamol and empty bottles of vodka. He had attempted to slash his wrists, I don't know whether that was before or after he overdosed on painkillers, I don't know if I ever will know. 

 

I had to go home a couple of hours later, and lie in the bed he died in. I called his mum because I thought it would be better than a nurse doing it. I remember just sitting there in the office in tears and confusion. I found a suicide note when I got back but it doesn't answer any of my questions. He was loved, he had a great family who adored him and were always there for him, he had a son that will never know his dad now. I'm pregnant and he'll never see them born and they'll never know their dad either. I can't work out what made him take his own life. Everything keeps playing over in my head, every argument we've had. I don't understand why he couldn't trust me enough to tell me how he was feeling. I would have helped him through it and he could have got help. He thought I was in love with my ex, but I still can't understand how that is enough to make him take his own life. 

 

His mum has came over and will organise the next steps. The next steps aren't even important... I can't say that it was unfair or a waste of a life, because he chose to take it and that's what I can't come to terms with. I don't mean to sound selfish, but I will be on my own with 4 children now. What other option do I have? I can't get rid because I couldn't live with the guilt and they're all I have left of him. I told him mum that if one was a boy, it would be lovely to name the baby after him. For a girl, it would be nice to choose something that sounds like his. It's just not enough. He should have knew better than to do it. My own mum took her life when she was drunk whilst I was very little. Maybe that's different because she had a few children. Maybe he thought it was different. People ask me if I miss her, how can I miss somebody I don't know? I feel absolutely destroyed about his death, it's overwhelming me. We weren't together an awful long time but we spent everyday together as best friends. He was kind and lovely, he liked to make other people happy. I won't meet another person like him. I've been in longer relationships and never felt as attached. His mum is very low, especially as her daughter passed away previously. She said that she doesn't want to go home and she doesn't know what to feel anymore. She keeps getting angry at me and she's criticising how I'm trying to cope and look after my daughters. I've let her deal with them today. I just don't want to get out of bed anymore. 

 

I've been thinking today about death, and the loss of my fiance brought back the loss of my little angel, which I can't handle talking about right now. I feel like I'm grieving for two people. I don't know whether that's normal. I don't know how I'm meant to feel or react. My dad said that I should 'just get over it' and my sister is trying to gain sympathy from the situation, despite never meeting him and saying he was abusive when he wasn't. 

 

I'm really sorry if this is really long, I have tried to keep it short.  

[Naddo]

Hello callies,

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feelimg like this. I have recently lost my boyfriend to suicide and he also suffered from bipolar disorder. Similar to your situation there were many things that happened in his life before we met that had him struggling. We too got in a big argument the night it happened, i had even shut off my phone cause i was so upset, when my phone was off he was calling and texting and reaching out to me before he had done that. He was drinking therefore i felt it was so irrational that had i answered my phone i could have stopped him.

Bipolar is such a scary thing and it was something i tried so hard to understand but always struggled with it. i think people who have not dealt to loss theough suicide could never truly understand the immense pain that comes with it as it's not something you "just get over".

Something i try to remind myself is that when in these episodes something takes over and he just is not himself. My boyfriend in his right mind would have never done this to me or left me this broken. I am sure it was the same with your fiancé. I am knew to these forums but i do find comfort in knowing i am not alone in the way i am feeling, and neither are you.

Praying for you as i know how hard this can be!

[KensLove]

   I am also a wife recently made a widow because of bipolar disorder. It's like living with two different people. I pray my Ken has found the pra e he needed, but I don't know if I will ever have peace in my own life again. It's such a hard thing to understand.