Lots of anger after my mother's passing

[AuntB27]

My mom passed away December 5th, 2013. Needless to say, the pain is still very fresh. There is so much anger I have in my heart after all of the chaos regarding my mother's passing. I have lots of anger toward my extended family for many, many reasons. One example is because they (my extended family) were gossiping about my brother, father, and I & how we weren't 'doing enough' or all we could to save my mom's life. Her illness was terminal - we did ALL we could to save her. I need to let go of this anger in my heart, as it is weighing me down & brings out an ugly person in me that is not me AT ALL. Does anyone else out there feel the same way/can relate?

[Sehausle]

I have wrestled with a lot of internal guilt with my dad's passing as it was an accident and it was preventable on some level. I have dealt with some insensitive people as it sounds like you have as well . Leave it to them to wrestle with their own thoughts and have to answer internally for how they have treated you, but for your own sanity you should not give them a second thought (easier said than done I know). Find comfort with your immediate family and grieve the loss of your mom. Anger is very normal, especially considering how others in your own family have been treating you.I wish you peace during this time and I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.   

 

S.

[AuntB27]

Thank you for your response. Also, I'm very sorry for your loss as well. I have found myself moving closer to my immediate family, and sort of 'cutting out' the rest of my extended family. I feel guilty about that, but my counselor said that I shouldn't feel guilty. I believe that a lot of their criticism and mean-ness stems from guilt in the fact that they weren't very supportive to my mother all of the years she was sick like I believe siblings should be. Again, my counselor said that just because I think her siblings should have acted a certain way, doesn't mean that it's a fact. It makes me angry that they weren't there for my mom over all the years she was sick, but yet they tried grabbing the last straw/holding on tight when she was going to die. I don't even know if any of that makes sense..

 

I do believe that you are correct that for my own sanity, I need to just let it be. In a way I feel the only way to do that is to keep them 'shut out,' which doesn't make me feel good to have to do that, but I kind of feel like it may be necessary. 

[tctxxxxx]

I have to keep reminding myself that everyone deals with grief differently.....maybe your family members who are also dealing with anger are blaming you because they don't know how to process their own guilt? I'm very lucky that my sister and myself were there to take care of my mom for the years and months leading up to her death. Unfortunately, I cannot say the same about my two younger brothers but I know that it was just too difficult for them to be around her when things got really bad. Remember how strong you are and how much of your mother is a part of you. 

 

The pain will be fresh for a long time but please do not blame yourself....I struggle with this also.

I live with a lot of guilt about my mom passing. I know in my heart that my mom would NEVER want me to carry that weight for the rest of my life.

[AuntB27]

I've been thinking about the fact that people grieve differently, but it still hasn't been enough to make me 'want' to forgive them/make a mends. I realize that probably sounds a bit childish, but I can't help that's the way I feel. I think I'm just going to chill out with the whole being nice with my extended family, and just keep it to my immediate family while I am still on the very beginning of my grieving journey.

[Trish91]

Hello B,

 

I am really sorry about your mom, and all the added stress due to the behavior of your extended family.

 

I lost my mom on the 17th of December, to lung cancer, and I every day I face this awful reality. I know that we all  have got to die at some point, but I miss her very much, because we were always extremely close.

 

On top of that, I am the executor of my mom´s estate, and I live overseas, so it has been the toughest time ever, because in addition to grieving over the death of my dearly beloved mom, I have to deal with work issues, money issues, legal issues, etc, etc, etc. I never thought I would be in this position so soon. I thought it´d of course happen at some point but never thought it´d occur in my mid-thirties or that I´d have to do everything while my brother, who also lives overseas, has been able to mourn in peace.

 

In any case, my extended family, my husband, friends, aunties, uncles, cousins and so on have been supportive, and thus, I cannot complain, but they haven´t always been so, and therefore, I completely understand how you feel, although I also think that you need to focus on your grieve and your immediate family, and deal with your extended family when you feel a bit better, as the death of your mom, like that of mine, is extremely recent, and we have a rough way ahead of us.

 

They say the first year is the toughest, but I have also heard that it is really hard for at least three years. I don´t know, as everybody´s way of grieving is so different, what is true and what´s not, I just hope that I can survive this really difficult time and all the upheaval. My world and life as I knew it is no longer and is all upside down. Of course, we need to focus on the many good things in our lives, but how can we pretend that everything is normal when it´s not? Nothing will ever be the same again, and that means our work, family, and overall, our lives, given the essential place that our moms had in them.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to say hello and say that although our situations aren´t exactly the same, the sorrow, frustration, anger, confusion, shock, demotivation, despair and all other feelings associated with our loss are common to all of us on this forum.

 

Welcome to it by the way, take care, and if you ever wish to talk, I am, we all are, here for you.

 

Take care and best regards,

 

Trish

[AuntB27]

Hi Trish,

 

Thank you for your kind/understanding response. I can definitely relate to some of the feelings you mentioned. It's a crazy, crazy time that's for sure. 

 

I have also been the main person in my family looked to in regards to taking care of the final financial decisions, etc. My dad is the official executor of estate, but he has turned to me for a lot of assistance. I never thought I would be doing all of this stuff at the age of 27. 

 

I think you're very correct in regards to me having to deal with my grieving and spending lots of time with my immediate family. I feel like the damage with my extended family is SO extreme that it would always be an uphill battle. It's been this way even before my mother's passing. My mother liked trying to 'keep the peace,' so we went along with 'playing nice' for many years for my mother's sake. Now that my mother is gone, we don't have to be fake with them any longer. I feel guilty for feeling so 'free' and for feeling like I no longer have to keep peace with 'mean' people (my extended family.) I can't help that over all of the years of them being not-so-nice to my family, I don't want to be a part of them. 

 

I feel very confused with all of that, among other things. But I'm sure in due time, all of the cards will fall where they are supposed to. I have been working on focusing on the good things I have going on in my life, and there are PLENTY of those good things - thank God  

 

I hope that one day we are both able to find peace with our losses. Thank you for your support. I am here for you also. 

 

 

B

[Guest Kirbibizzle]

AuntB27,

 

I completely understand where you are coming from about the whole "family" issue. 

 

I was at my dad's bedside in the hospital less than an hour before he would die, and his very own brother said he needed to get out of there. Who does that? No matter how painful it was going to be, it's your brother, you need to be there for him. That's when I decided that I'd have to be the one to always keep my father alive in my heart, even if not a single soul chooses to join me.

 

Every time an extended family member tells me to call them if I need anything, I get angry. Angry because the only thing I need is my dad back. Angry because it's my dad who died, not theirs.

 

You did everything you could to help your mom, just like any daughter would do. Don't feel bad for not wanting to be affiliated with those people. They can't, and never will understand your suffering. She is your mother, they can't even imagine the kind of pain you are feeling.

 

Your mother would have wanted you to be happy, and if that means cutting ties then you have every right to do so.

 

 

 

[Amendez972]

I know exactly how you feel because my Mom passed away about 2 weeks away, and as if it isn't enough the family drama was so horrible that I didn't have the proper good bye and I feel like my sisters pushed her to dying sooner than expected abusing the hospice medications and even though I fight with being angry and not to hate them... They were so mean and cruel that I don't have the words to explain how... I was struggling financially and have a lot of problems at the time and still do... And I couldn't be there as much as I wanted to since I live a couple of hours away.. although I called everyday and I was always told she was sleeping all the time which was a lie. They would always poison my Mom with lies saying I just never called or cared about her, and everytime I would go see her my Mom was a little disappointed and the minute she would see me her eyes would shine with excitement and hugged me and loved me like she always did. Maybe I should of started telling you I am the youngest of 10 siblings and 2 of them and myself are from the second marriage... And they have different opinion than me about what kind of mom my mom was since I had better opportunities although they should be happy my Dad always treated us equally... And tried to give them a better life. My sisters are way older than me and none of them work, there kids are already older almost my age.. (31) I have 2 kids, one is 7 and the other one 11 and my husband is great but he got hurt at work and I've been working two jobs to support my family but I never shared my troubles with my Mom because I didn't want her to worry about me. My sisters live 15 mins from my mom's house and one of them is even her neighbor and they pay her to take care of her and my other sisters use my Mom's money to support themselves and even use her car. They are all very bitter and don't like me cause they know my Mom adored me but that's cause my mom and I had a friendly relationship and to be honest my Moms heart was so big.. She loved us all the same but they didn't want to see it. They had complete control of hospice and my Moms medication so when I asked for time off from work to go stay with her, the nurse from hospice wouldn't want to tell me anything since my sister was the power of attorney and had specified to deny me of any knowledge. I work in the hospital and I am very familiar of the dying process and hospice and medications and I saw them always over medicating my Mom so that she couldn't have a quality time with me when I went to visit. My Mom would struggle to talk and be herself cause she had so many things to tell me. At one point she told me that they would put her to sleep medicating her and would leave and one day she woke up and tried to go to the bathroom and fell which caused her illness to advance majorly and I had all the proof to get my sisters in trouble since I records her and put them in their place but eventually I knew my Mom was going to pass and she wouldn't have wanted my sisters and I to be in a worst relationship than we already were so I decided to keep it to myself and try to forgive them. When my Mom passed away it was so sad cause she had cancer in her lungs and she died chocking and unfortunately there was nothing we could do to help her. After she died my sisters took all the power over everything went thru all the funeral arrangements going against everything my Mom had wished. They excluded me from everything and we're terrible to my little kids and husband telling them cruel and mean stuff. They cried loudly and dramatically in public making people think how much they loved my Mom and made me look like the cold one since I was being strong for my kids I always kept myself from crying in public and did it only on my private time alone. After we went back from the funeral my Moms house was empty cause they ordered to clean up the house... Living me with nothing to remember my Mom from. I never wanted anything but all the process is making me struggle fighting anger and hate towards them making me someone I don't want to be. Specially because I have my two adorable kids and husband I don't want to feel those terrible feelings. I haven't been able to sleep ever since, I can't eat, I lost 10 pounds in two weeks and I don't want to feel si crappy. I wake up crying every night thinking of everything, specially the fact that my Mom isn't here and there is nothing I can do to get her back. I can't even erase her number from my cellphone thinking if I don't maybe I can still call her. I am in huge denial.. Maybe because it's so fresh and all but I can't help it. Specially because I keep all my feelings and troubles to myself because I don't want to worry my loved ones. I am sorry for your loss and I am sorry I have no words to comfort you but I sympathize and can relate to your situation.

[Daughter2_Orphan]

Both my parents are deceased. My father in 2005 and my mother in April of this year. Yet with my mother I am experiencing a lot of anger! She and I didn't have the closest of relationships even though she lived with me and my husband the last 10 years of her life. I just feel like she died angry at me for a petty incident during her last week of life as she was battling cancer. How can I be angry at someone who was fighting to live??? Currently feeling lost and drowning in madness!

[hotreba]

I lost my mom on Febuary 20 2012.  She had a brain aneurysm. She was  71.  Since her passing I look at life so differently. Life feels so dark.  Nobody gets it.  She will not see her grandson Graduate or get married.  Her other grandson never really got to know her he is almost three.  I'm just so mad.  I miss her voice ,her touch.  Her love was so unconditional. Does it ever get better.