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Lost my brother to a drug overdose


Stephanie96

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This September I lost my brother to a lethal combination of morphine and methamphetamine. He had struggled with depression and addiction his whole life, and it was during my junior year of high school that he became addicted to the prescribed painkiller Oxycodone which then very quickly lead to heroin. At sixteen years old I had to witness his entire life be taken over by a drug that made him manipulative, greedy, desperate, suicidal. It was terrifying because I loved him so much and I tried so hard to help him but all it did was drag me down with him. 

Now at 18, I'm struggling to get through my first year of college with all the pain of my brother's death still new. Ever since I heard the autopsy report I've been trying to find some reason for why this happened, he had only gotten out of jail two weeks before and had been clean for over 6 months. I convinced myself it was a suicide because the combination of drugs seemed to imply that it was intentional. But there's a very good chance that the death of my big brother was just a meaningless overdose.

It has been so difficult trying to deal with all the pain of my brother's life and death all alone in a city where I know barely anyone. Sometimes its manageable but I often sink into deep bouts of depression and have a lot of anger that I usually take out on myself. I think about suicide sometimes and have cut myself out of hysteria and a need for release. I know that I'm pushing away and repressing a lot of these feelings of grief and pain and I'm scared that I will never fully heal. I feel more alone than I've ever been in my life. 

Please, if anyone has had any similar experiences or any advice I could really use the support.

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I am so sorry you had to see that. I too lost my brother and am having trouble coming to terms with many of the mistakes I watched him make or knew he was making. He did not take good care of himself and drank despite being told it would kill him. He thought he was invincible. I don't know ure exact feelings but I do know that there is a lot of anger and sorrow that u were not able to get them to see clearly how life could have been. It is frustrating and it causes a lot of guilt for those left behind especially siblings and parents. My thoughts are with u.

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Stephanie,

 

My story is not too different from your's in the sense that it makes little to no sense to me. If you need to reach out. I am here.

 

I lost  my older brother November 11, 2013. He would have been 33 the next day, November 12, 2013.Growing up it was just me and him. We were best friends. His death was UNEXPECTED. He like to drink and smoke weed, but that didn't kill him. Here I sit 2 months and 10 days later with no answers. We don't even know what caused his death, since we are STILL waiting on his autopsy report to be finish. 

 

However, as close as we were reality was he made bad choices too. A lot of them. I spent a lot of time trying to help or fix his problems. I thought I was helping, but he never followed through with the help I tried to give him. When his wife became a heroine addict he should have took their kids and left, but didn't. I even tried to get her into rehab, for him. He drank more and became broken-down. He was not happy, 

 

I just feel lost about the whole thing. Know that you are not alone. 

 

Moon

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Gina and Sadmoon,

 

My biggest regret was not talking to my parents about what was obviously going on in front of us and getting him into rehab, instead we were all very enabling. I wish that i could have been stronger.

I think the hardest part about seeing a sibling or family member go through addiction is that no matter how hard you try to fix them up, get them help, and encourage them in the end they have to be brave enough to face their own demons, and that's not something we can do for them. 

 

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Stephanie, 

 

 I understand where you are coming from. I didn't tell my mom or dad what I learned months before my brother's death. I tried to help him myself. I told myself no reason to worry our parents when I could help him. But like you said, you can't make them or do the"work" for them. I had a huge meltdown today. I am left feeling this pain over and over. It feels/seems like there is no end/light to this tunnel. I miss my brother. I miss my friend. Nothing is going to change that. I am here if you need to chat.

 

Moon

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Your brothers death was likely accidental when someone has been clean for a while they often accidentally start again using too much a dose they used before that was safe when they were addicted ,but can be too much once that tolerance has been gone for a while...

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I am so so sorry for your loss. Your story sounds similar to mine.

My brother was found dead from a heroin overdose on January 26, 2014. I was in Cuba at the time, two days into my two week vacation. It's amazing how quickly paradise can turn to hell.

My brother and my sister have always been my best friends. We're so close in age (he was 15 months older) and we looked so much alike we would tell people we were twins.

My brother had recently gotten clean after being in jail for a DUI and possession charge. I stood by him and did everything in my power to help him and let him know how much I love him. He had also accepted God into his life, much to my mother's delight. It seems he wanted one last hooray before giving up heroin completely. This has completely destroyed me and my family.

I am so sorry you are so far from people who knew your brother and understand your pain. It was a nightmare for me not being able to get back to my family for five days, so I can't imagine living apart.

This is so devestating. I feel numb most of the time and then it hits me and I become hysterical. I completely understand your desire to cut yourself, but please, take it from me, you don't need to cause yourself anymore pain. I don't know you but my heart breaks for you. I just joined this site to reply to your post. Please, if you ever need to talk or someone who understands, I am here.

Take care of yourself. Your brother is with you all the time and he wants you to smile. 

Kellie

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HI there, My brother died of a heroin overdose in january this year. Its been an awful year so far. He was addicted for 15 years but about 10 years ago he got clean and started living again! Then on the day he died I got a phone call to say he had gone and I was in shock as he was clean! This drug is so evil and it steals peoples lives from them. It turns them into people they are not. What makes me angry is people in my town now see him as someone who dies of a drug overdose all the good he did has been forgotten by them. It makes me so angry! Sending you lots of love. x

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I lost my baby brother to an overdose last Sunday.  I had no idea he even had a problem.  My older brother and I knew he smoked a lot of weed but I never could have imagined this.  We never got the chance to try to get him help.  We keep trying to piece together when he started because his friends keep insisting it was recent (like in the last three months).  He became so good at hiding it I guess.  He overdosed on a mixture he thought was heroin but was actually a homemade concoction sold by our areas's "local dealer."  That man is in jail right now, but it doesn't help.  I don't blame anyone, I just want him back.    

 

The irony is that my fiance's brother has a drug problem and was arrested.  My family and I would spend hours discussing their situation and pitying his family.  We never realized we had the same problem in our own house.  I don't know how to cope and I have no motivation to go on.  I received a phone call with my mother screaming that they "think" he is dead.  Of course I had hope until I got to the house.  When I got home my mother was screaming for me to go wake him up.  She told me to go jump on him and get him up because we have company.  For the smallest fraction of a second, I believed her and felt hope again.  My older brother reassured me he was gone.  

 

They didn't let me see him one last time and I keep going back and forth if it would have been better or worse.  My older brother saw him and has described the scene to me and I just keep trying to imagine it.  Unfortunately my parents and my little brother's girlfriend were the ones to find him and they will never get the image out of their minds.  The worst part of this, like the other poster stated, is that in addition to grieving we feel like we have to defend who he was to people who brush it off as "another druggie who overdosed."  People criticize us that he is getting attention because we live in a nicer area --"another white rich kid."  No one understands that he wasn't a druggie to me.  He was my baby brother who laughed and played.  I tried my hardest to make him like a little sister since I always wanted him to be a girl.  We would make up dance routines and watch movies together.  He was eight years younger than me so we had a sibling relationship, but I always thought of him as my baby too.  I've spoken to people who have lost their older siblings.  It's a different feeling losing your younger because you feel like you should have been there to protect him.  I don't care what anyone says about blaming yourself, I feel I should have known and could have done more. 

 

How do I get through the day?  I haven't gone back to work yet and I can't imagine how I will.  Everyone will treat me differently at first, but I know they will forget and move on and assume I have gotten over it if I have a moment of laughter or a moment of acting like my old self.  No one knows what to say to me and no one knows my brother like I did.   I just needed to share.  I'm glad I found a forum specifically for sibling loss because it is a special pain that no one else understands.    

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Wow, so many of you are in the same position as I am, it's actually sad to see so many lives ruined due to addiction  :(

 

I think it's quite hard for us left here to really understand what they were really going through as everyone has their own demons to battle. We might go through the same life situations and grow up in the same environment but how we deal & react to these could be entirely different. Even when we try all we can to help! 

 

It's also hard explaining to people when they ask about your loved ones death. I know when people ask me about my brother, it's like I feel taboo saying he died due to an overdose. It has such a stigma attached, that I sometimes try to avoid even mentioning drugs. It shouldn't be like that.

 

Things will get easier, you just have to go through the motions. Some days you feel happy when you remember the times you had, some days you are angry that they left and some days you just want to cry all day listening to their favourite songs. It's been 5 years for me and I still don't think I have fully come to terms with my brother's death. 

 

I also found a new love of fitness and competitions, mainly due to needing a goal or a purpose. It has really helped me et through some tough times. 

 

Hang in there  :)

 

 

 

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Sandra in Chile

Hey there

I will write you more tomorrow, I live in chile and so it is very late here but I wanted to send you a short note. It is so hard with drugs. There have been two members of my family, I so get what you wrote. Sigh-'they struggle and we struggle with them. But I will write tomorrow. Sleep tight tonight

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