Dad's new girlfriend is a stranger???

[dentholla]

My mother passed away in March of this year suddenly. Although she was very ill for many years her death still was a surprise. My Dad has since then done a myriad of things that make no sense to me. I expected his behavior to be erratic however some of the things he has said to me in the past 9 months are downright painful to hear...like how he was spending Christmas with his "new family". What?

The reason for starting this thread is I am at a loss on what to do about his dating situation. I get it...people move on. I'm also okay with it on some levels. My parents were married for 42 years and he had a girlfriend within 6 weeks. We are here at the end of the year and I've never met her, been asked to meet her, and there is now drummed up "bad blood" because of the mountains of money that he is spending on her (not his money by the way...money he received from life insurance). I mentioned it and boom - hit the roof. Noone wants him to be happy. His girlfriend "needs". I say she doesn't need a $700 pair of boots - take her to Kohls or something.

Has anyone else gone through this? He can't complete a phone call without hanging up on me because he doesn't like what I have to say. He's acting like a child.

[Blackrock]

His girl friend is prob good at talking and comforting people but sounds like she's a gold digger. The more u talk bad about her the more ur dad will alienate u. Accept the Situation and show that u care for your dad. After all, he's the only parent u have left.

You're there to support him and yelling doesn't help. Need to talk nicely. Remind him u're a family and u only think of the best for him. tell him stories of your mom. Ask him about your childhood stories and how your mom was involved - so it reminded him of her too.

As for the gold digger, u should get to meet her and know her. Get your enemy closer and learn more about her.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Sehausle]

While my dad passed and not my mom - I went to a griefshare meeting and they specifically talked about how common it was for men to move on quickly after the loss of their wife. Perhaps he misses having a spouse (many people who are use to being in long term relationships may miss this feeling). Unfortunately, 50% of re-marriages widows enter into end in divorce- the reason being is that they find someone who they "think" fulfills many of their needs when they actually may find down the road that that particular person isn't who they would have chosen if they weren't grieving.. That being said I would try to be patient and understanding with your dad but perhaps urge him to make decisions at a slow rate (they say no big decisions within the first year) ...perhaps even purchasing a book about handling grief might be a good first step.

 

I do not wish to be insensitive but one thing that did surprise me was that you mentioned the insurance money is not his. In my mind the insurance money from my dad is 100% my mother’s- they were married 32 years and that was intended to take care of her (or us if we were still under-age) in the event that he passed. I would be concerned about how your dad if he spending the money in a reckless manner, however, if the check is in his name – and he is the beneficiary- it really is his money.  

 

 

 

[dentholla]

Let me first say I wrote this in a fury so rereading reminds me that not everyone has all the facts of my particular situation.  Your point is well taken about the insurance money because I didn't mean for it to sound like it isn't his.  It is very much his and was in his name and my mother intended fully for him to receive any benefits from her policy.

 

So, having said that now I feel like expanding on where that was coming from.  My Father has always been focused on money.  He's worked feverishly to the detriment of his family so that he could buy stereos and cars for him.  This went on when my brother and I were very young and he always seemed even then to be filling a void.  There was never enough "stuff".  My mother who was disabled and house bound wanted him to retire and he never would because he couldn't walk away from the income.  For many years her voice was not heard that they were out of the acquiring phase of their lives and since they never saved for retirement they needed to save every penny they have.

 

That takes me to present day.  Her life insurance policy will allow him to have a very nice life if he will just slow down.  I got him financially squared away after her passing and put my own grieving aside to make sure that he went through a financial bootcamp.  He's never been a saver and now was the time to square away his finances so he could understand what the future may bring and what "our" gameplan was going to be...I use the word "our" because he's my father.  He was completely alone and I didn't want him for a second to feel like this was the end.  He and I made all the financial decisions in lock step.  I am not joint on any of his accounts because he is a grown man and should have the independence he enjoyed when she was alive. 

 

So in our present state the finances are in ruins.  The new girlfriend and he have undone all the work he and I put in over the course of a few months.  The new girlfriend and I have not met and that is due to his lack of interest in setting up a meeting.  She is estranged from her children and grandchildren and he is now the same way.  He got on my case when I even mentioned grief counseling for him.  He went to 3 meetings and said he was done grieving.  I never saw this coming.  He forgot my birthday and my childrens birthdays.  He doesn't call and he doesn't return phone calls.  I had to start having all his emailed financial information sent to my husband because I couldn't take it anymore.  If my Dad makes $5 dollars they are spending $20.  It's like nothing I've ever seen.  I am in grief counseling and therapy and I really feel like I'm preparing myself for when he's broke and what my role will be then.  I honestly have no idea because everyone in the family has warned him that the girlfriend that noone knows might not be looking out for his best interest.  Current day - my Dad speaks to noone in the family.   He called me on Christmas Eve declining to attend Christmas with us because he has a new family now.  Swear to it - that's what he said.  So hurtful.  The girlfriend is a gold digger and he is allowing it to happen.  I do want him to be happy although him admitting to me he was in a relationship with her when my Mom was alive and now all of this to boot is really more than I should be expected to take less than a year after losing my Mom.  I lost her too.

[Sehausle]

Wow I feel bad for making you go into further explanation- what a tough situation you're going through right now. I wish I could put together a financial boot-camp for my mom (who hasn't paid a billed since the late 70's) ...I know how much work that takes to get to a place where you're squared away (as we aren't even at that point yet) just to have someone step in and completely ruin it...I am sure it feels disheartening to say the very least.

 

 

 

I imagine those comments and him talking about a "second family" during the holidays of all times was very painful to hear. I have to wonder if all of this is grief related and I pray for you (and him really) that eventually he can come out of this before it's too late (for both your relationship and any hope at financial independence as he ages).

 

 

 

I don't know if this would help your situation, but my mom really started to lash out at my sister (accusing her of stealing and having ill intentions even saying things about what my dad would think of her (terrible and untrue)..all of which I know in my heart is unfounded) but I was really impressed with my sister who said "mom can keep pushing me away and I will keep coming back" ...and that's exactly what she is doing. I can't imagine the strength it must be taking her to do that but I know my mom is slowly starting to see what she has done for her. Maybe something similar could help (though I know the emotional toll would be tough to take after awhile). I understand that you may need to just step back for awhile too- which is an equally brutal decision I am sure.

 

 

 

I am not sure if it helps at all but I am truly sorry you're going this. It sounds like you're at the right place seeking counseling because it would be hard to manage on one’s own. I am lucky to have my sisters and husband to vent too but after awhile it can be tough on your family...so therapy is a great place to vent and even strategize.

 

 

I will you strength and peace

 

S.

[Mommachobo]

I feel for you.i am in the same boat... I lost my mother december 2012. my dad had a new girlfriend by april and she moved in by august. i knew my mothers wishes were to have my dad move on and not live as a widow, but i certainly didnt think that he would have moved on this fast. 

I feel like i am expected to be 100% ok with how fast everything is moving and frankly I AM NOT. To make matters worse, as fast as my dad moved in his new girlfriend all of my mothers things and the memories I had in their house... moved out. Dont get me wrong I want my dad to be happy, but I think that he is trying to replace my mother with someone because he is grieving.

[BaileyB]

I have experienced a very similar situation. In my experience, there is nothing you can do to talk with him and it is unlikely he will see your concerns/point of view. Any time that you talk about the situation is likely only going to cause conflict and damage the relationship. You have to decide if you want to continue to have a relationship with your dad... In my situation, there are certain topics including his new girlfriend, money, and my mom that are pretty much off limits for discussion. Counselling is a very good idea - it is a very, very difficult thing to deal with. Nothing feels worse than loosing your mom and having your dad turn away from the family (particularly when you are working to support him in his grief). But unfortunately, he is making his decisions and you have little control in the situation. It takes time and help to make peace with that. All the best to you.

[dentholla]

Thanks BaileyB.  I had lunch with him yesterday and we are now a year and half into our new lives without Mom.  I still haven't met his girlfriend although I endured him complaining about her all through lunch.  I didn't comment rather listened.  Your point that all things new girlfriend, money, and my Mom are off limits is well taken.  He brought up Mom and some things he remembered about her and when I did the same he covered his ears and said he wouldn't listen to it.  So I stopped.  I honestly don't know that having a relationship with him is possible.