[jericho]

I am so sorry. My brother left a suicide note but it was sort of a "to whom it may concern" note. He didn't mention any of us by name and he didn't tell us he loved us or explain why he shot himself. For a long time I thought maybe it wasn't the whole note, maybe a page had been lost and somewhere there was a note telling me he loved me. I finally accepted that he just didn't say it. He too had mental health issues. He could be very unpredictable, angry and sad. I didn't know your mother but I know in his case he wasn't feeling anything but hopeless when he left the note and shot himself. If he had been thinking clearly he wouldn't have done it so expecting clear thinking in a suicide note is probably not logical. I have ten years of walking with his suicide and your loss is so fresh. Please keep writing and talk about it. That helped me more than anything else.

[heartsickinNC]

My Father committed suicide June 9, 2011..He had RA and was in pain all the time..he took a lot of meds. He was not a happy person and not someone any of us wanted to be around. Don't get me wrong, I loved my Father very much but he could be so hateful and mean..because of his Pain! He wasn't always like this but about the last year of his life it just got Worse! He shot himself! No one knew of his feelings, he left no note! My 21 yr. old nephew found him. We were all in shock from this..Not my father! This is not something he would do! 7 months later I am taking antidepressants and anxiety meds. just to get through the day! It is the not knowing..all the Questions that will never be answered, it will drive you crazy if you let it! I suggest talking to a grief counselor, I started and have come to terms with a lot of things..But I don't think I will ever be the same person I once was! WE are the innocent ones..we have nothing to feel guilty about! I am not angry with my father..he had his reasons and he is at peace..I truly believe that! Your mother is at peace now. Remember all the good times!

Best of luck to you,

Kelly

[Cobo]

Hey buddy I'm sorry about your loss, I started crying after reading the first paragraph, that's what my mom is going thorough right now and it scares me, I can't sleep I'm afraid something will happen while I test my eyes. I'll pray for you and your mom, I don't know what else to tell you bud, suicide is not an option for anyone..

[Ada]

Soulfulfishbowl,

I'm so sorry about the loss of your loved mom, and realize that 2 months is still a small amount of time for grieving. I came across an article that mentioned the book Giving Sorrow Words that says this about the signs that a person may be suicidal: "The reality is that it's usually not easy to discern such signs." Even if you had recognized some of the telltale signs, that in itself would not guarantee that you could have prevented the suicide.

Don't torment yourself, see if you can find a measure of comfort in the words of King Solomon: "The living are conscious that they will die; but as for the dead, they are conscious of nothing at all" (Ecclesiastes 9:5). Your mummy is not being tormented in a fiery hell and the mental and emotional anguish that led her to suicide has now ended. She is not suffering, she is simply at rest.

The fact that your mummy didn't leave a note to you does NOT mean she didn't love you or anything of the sort. Remember that she was suffering as well and that "we all stumble many times. If anyone does not stumble in word, this one is a perfect man." (James 3:2) Dwelling on that fact will only intensify your grief. Painful as that memory may be, the fact remains that your mummy did love you.

Suicide is traumatic and you have to deal with the trauma before the grief, while you are still numb with shock it may not be possible to cry and mourn and coming to terms with your mummy's death will take time, and that is understandable. It's like you were a vase that was shattered and glued back together, you may now seem more prone to 'crack' under pressure. So take care of yourself, your emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual well being. This is a trying time, so feel free to come back here and share your thoughts, that will help ease some of your feelings and alleviate somewhat your grief.

Kindest Regards,

Ada

[ModKonnie]

soulfulfishbowl, on 13 December 2011 - 07:34 AM, said:

Hi. I just found this place last night, so I thought I'd tell my story here as there doesn't seem to be any support in my area for dealing specifically with suicide.

On the 8th of October this year, my mummy took her own life. She was bipolar and borderline schizophrenic, and I guess she just gave up. We had no idea what she was going to do. The night before, she had an argument with my sister, a big argument where they both said things that they didn't mean. My mum was so angry that night, so so angry, and it was almost like it wasn't even her - but I guess that's where the schizophrenia comes in. I tried to resolve the argument, but she stormed home.

She called me at midnight to tell me that she would still be coming out with us at that weekend, as it was my 21st birthday on the on the 12th of October (which turned out to be the worst birthday ever, as you can imagine). Sometime after getting off the phone with me, she drank heavily and took an overdose of all of her medication. The next morning when my step dad got up, he said she was still snoring, and when she's on medication she always goes in to a deep sleep, so he left her. He called me up at 3pm when I was on the way back from shopping to tell me that they still couldn't wake my mum up. So I begged them to call an ambulance and they finally did. When we (me, my sister, my fiancée and my best friend) finally got there, the ambulance was already there. At this point, we didn't know it was suicide. We had no idea.

When I walked in to the house, my mum was on the floor with two paramedics working on her. The heart monitor machine was flat lining. More paramedics arrived with more equipment. I stood and watched for about twenty minutes as they tried to get my mum breathing again. My dad arrived shortly after and made me leave the house. My grandparents and Aunt arrived shortly after that, and we watched the paramedics get my mum in to the ambulance.

We all drove to the hospital and waited in one of those tiny rooms for however long, and then the doctor came in.

"Unfortunately, Jannette has died," he said, and I can't remember anything he said after that. It was like my whole world just disappeared for a few seconds, my heart stopped and I just couldn't compute what he had just said. When it finally hit everyone, people gasped and cried. My fiancée pushed me in to my dad's arms where me and my sister sobbed for a while.

My aunt finally arrived a few minutes later and me and my sister ran to her in tears to tell her that mum had died and we cried in the hallway together. I had to call my step dad and tell him. He dropped the phone when I said "She's dead. Mum's dead." My mum's best friend picked up the phone and I had to tell her too. All she could say was "No, no, please, no," and I didn't really know what else to say.

The nurse came in to the room to talk to us about organ donation and whatever else, I wasn't even listening. I don't even remember what she looked like properly. They handed us all these leaflets about what to do next and I just stared at the word "Death" like I didn't even know what it meant. Then she asked us if we wanted to see my mum. I said yes. Me, my aunt and my grandpa were lead to a small room where my mum lay under blankets. She looked dead. I know that sounds strange, but when I saw her much later on in the chapel of rest, she looked peaceful. In the hospital, she looked dead. She didn't look peaceful. My grandpa broke down, gripping the side of the gurney a he sobbed and I just stood there, staring at this body that people kept on telling me was my mum, but I just couldn't get my head around it. I kissed her forehead and told her I loved her.

When we got home, the police rang my sister. They wanted to interview us right away because it was still a "suspicious death". After they talked to us, told us what the hospital had said to us and what they found when they were at my mum's house, they told us they were going to put it down as an accidental death. They said it was just the wrong medication coupled with too much alcohol.

The next day, I went to my mum's house with my step dad to be with him while the police interviewed him. My mum's house was trashed. They had completely smashed through my old bedroom door. My fiancée tried to clean up some of the left overs from the day before from the living room floor before I saw. The police came and asked my step dad pretty much the same questions as me and told him about it being an accidental death.

After the police left, I found my mum's phone. I went through her phone book to look for family numbers I didn't have. When I went in to her messages, I found the suicide note written in the drafts. To both her best friends, she told them that she loved them, that she was sorry and that she just wanted peace. She told my step dad that she loved him, that he was the only person who understood her. The only thing she said about me and my sister was that we thought she wasn't a good enough parents and that she had failed as a mother. She didn't say goodbye and she didn't tell us that she loved us. I screamed when I read the notes and started crying in my step dads arms, yelling about how I couldn't believe she had done this to us, to me.

I still don't know why she didn't say goodbye or that she loved us. I hate that I don't know what was going on in her head. Did she really hate me? I lived with my mum when she first got diagnosed bipolar and I helped her as much as I could. I was always there for her, telling her everything was going to be ok. I hadn't argued with her the night before, I didn't say anything hurtful to her and when she spoke to me last, she told me everything would be ok and we would go out for my birthday as normal. I don't know what I did, what I could have done to make her so angry at me. I don't know if I did or if it's the schizophrenic thing. Maybe another person within her hated me and my sister. I don't know. I probably never will know and it drives me crazy.

It's over two months later now. I'm trying to get back to my life. I'm trying to get back to Uni full time but it's hard. Because its not normal life. It never will be normal life because my normal life is one where my mum is still alive. It's like I have to build a new life now.

There's not a day gone by where I haven't cried. I don't have good days and bad days. Every day is a good/bad day and sometimes it feels like this will go on forever. I want to be happy. I want to think about my mum and not feel so angry and hurt and betrayed and just utterly lost and useless. I feel like I wasn't enough, I wasn't worth staying alive and fighting for and I know that sounds selfish but I still need my mum. I'm only 21, there are so many things I still needed her to be there for, when I get married, when I have children, when I finish Uni, when I buy my first house and when life is going so utterly **** I'm going to need to call her and cry and rant and have her invite me over for a few drinks and dinner like she used to. I needed her to help me turn 21 and I'm so angry I had to go through that without her.

I don't want to be angry at her. Not really. I just want to understand. I love her so much and I just want to know that it was the right thing for her to do, for her. That she's happy and that it wasn't my fault.

I am so very very sorry about your mother. Of course you feel devastated, angry, sick, afraid, and everything thing else in between. Two months is not alot of time after someone passes on, so what you are experiencing is normal, even though it feels awful. Please feel free to continue to cry, rant and any other emotion you feel.
Do you and other family members talk? Your mother was obviously experiencing a pain and emotion that is difficult for any of us to wrap our minds around. That doesn't mean she didn't love you; she was simply overwhelmed. Please try not to let yourself feel guilty over what has happened. It is what it is, and now you have to begin to inch forward. But, you are still allowed to love her, grieve over your loss, and continue to always always always remember her.
You can still talk to her, write her letters, keep a journal of all the things you want to tell her. She may not be able to answer you physically, but you may be able to hear from her in that part of you that will always be part of her.
We will be here for you,
ModKonnie

[soulfulfishbowl]

Hi. I just found this place last night, so I thought I'd tell my story here as there doesn't seem to be any support in my area for dealing specifically with suicide.

On the 8th of October this year, my mummy took her own life. She was bipolar and borderline schizophrenic, and I guess she just gave up. We had no idea what she was going to do. The night before, she had an argument with my sister, a big argument where they both said things that they didn't mean. My mum was so angry that night, so so angry, and it was almost like it wasn't even her - but I guess that's where the schizophrenia comes in. I tried to resolve the argument, but she stormed home.

She called me at midnight to tell me that she would still be coming out with us at that weekend, as it was my 21st birthday on the on the 12th of October (which turned out to be the worst birthday ever, as you can imagine). Sometime after getting off the phone with me, she drank heavily and took an overdose of all of her medication. The next morning when my step dad got up, he said she was still snoring, and when she's on medication she always goes in to a deep sleep, so he left her. He called me up at 3pm when I was on the way back from shopping to tell me that they still couldn't wake my mum up. So I begged them to call an ambulance and they finally did. When we (me, my sister, my fiancée and my best friend) finally got there, the ambulance was already there. At this point, we didn't know it was suicide. We had no idea.

When I walked in to the house, my mum was on the floor with two paramedics working on her. The heart monitor machine was flat lining. More paramedics arrived with more equipment. I stood and watched for about twenty minutes as they tried to get my mum breathing again. My dad arrived shortly after and made me leave the house. My grandparents and Aunt arrived shortly after that, and we watched the paramedics get my mum in to the ambulance.

We all drove to the hospital and waited in one of those tiny rooms for however long, and then the doctor came in.

"Unfortunately, Jannette has died," he said, and I can't remember anything he said after that. It was like my whole world just disappeared for a few seconds, my heart stopped and I just couldn't compute what he had just said. When it finally hit everyone, people gasped and cried. My fiancée pushed me in to my dad's arms where me and my sister sobbed for a while.

My aunt finally arrived a few minutes later and me and my sister ran to her in tears to tell her that mum had died and we cried in the hallway together. I had to call my step dad and tell him. He dropped the phone when I said "She's dead. Mum's dead." My mum's best friend picked up the phone and I had to tell her too. All she could say was "No, no, please, no," and I didn't really know what else to say.

The nurse came in to the room to talk to us about organ donation and whatever else, I wasn't even listening. I don't even remember what she looked like properly. They handed us all these leaflets about what to do next and I just stared at the word "Death" like I didn't even know what it meant. Then she asked us if we wanted to see my mum. I said yes. Me, my aunt and my grandpa were lead to a small room where my mum lay under blankets. She looked dead. I know that sounds strange, but when I saw her much later on in the chapel of rest, she looked peaceful. In the hospital, she looked dead. She didn't look peaceful. My grandpa broke down, gripping the side of the gurney a he sobbed and I just stood there, staring at this body that people kept on telling me was my mum, but I just couldn't get my head around it. I kissed her forehead and told her I loved her.

When we got home, the police rang my sister. They wanted to interview us right away because it was still a "suspicious death". After they talked to us, told us what the hospital had said to us and what they found when they were at my mum's house, they told us they were going to put it down as an accidental death. They said it was just the wrong medication coupled with too much alcohol.

The next day, I went to my mum's house with my step dad to be with him while the police interviewed him. My mum's house was trashed. They had completely smashed through my old bedroom door. My fiancée tried to clean up some of the left overs from the day before from the living room floor before I saw. The police came and asked my step dad pretty much the same questions as me and told him about it being an accidental death.

After the police left, I found my mum's phone. I went through her phone book to look for family numbers I didn't have. When I went in to her messages, I found the suicide note written in the drafts. To both her best friends, she told them that she loved them, that she was sorry and that she just wanted peace. She told my step dad that she loved him, that he was the only person who understood her. The only thing she said about me and my sister was that we thought she wasn't a good enough parents and that she had failed as a mother. She didn't say goodbye and she didn't tell us that she loved us. I screamed when I read the notes and started crying in my step dads arms, yelling about how I couldn't believe she had done this to us, to me.

I still don't know why she didn't say goodbye or that she loved us. I hate that I don't know what was going on in her head. Did she really hate me? I lived with my mum when she first got diagnosed bipolar and I helped her as much as I could. I was always there for her, telling her everything was going to be ok. I hadn't argued with her the night before, I didn't say anything hurtful to her and when she spoke to me last, she told me everything would be ok and we would go out for my birthday as normal. I don't know what I did, what I could have done to make her so angry at me. I don't know if I did or if it's the schizophrenic thing. Maybe another person within her hated me and my sister. I don't know. I probably never will know and it drives me crazy.

It's over two months later now. I'm trying to get back to my life. I'm trying to get back to Uni full time but it's hard. Because its not normal life. It never will be normal life because my normal life is one where my mum is still alive. It's like I have to build a new life now.

There's not a day gone by where I haven't cried. I don't have good days and bad days. Every day is a good/bad day and sometimes it feels like this will go on forever. I want to be happy. I want to think about my mum and not feel so angry and hurt and betrayed and just utterly lost and useless. I feel like I wasn't enough, I wasn't worth staying alive and fighting for and I know that sounds selfish but I still need my mum. I'm only 21, there are so many things I still needed her to be there for, when I get married, when I have children, when I finish Uni, when I buy my first house and when life is going so utterly **** I'm going to need to call her and cry and rant and have her invite me over for a few drinks and dinner like she used to. I needed her to help me turn 21 and I'm so angry I had to go through that without her.

I don't want to be angry at her. Not really. I just want to understand. I love her so much and I just want to know that it was the right thing for her to do, for her. That she's happy and that it wasn't my fault.