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The loss of my Mother


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#1 debbie8800

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Posted 23 December 2011 - 04:34 AM

To sadbeyondwords:

I hope you are ok. Try to focus on something else. It is so painful I know. I am so sorry for your loss. Some days are bad for me and others i am a bit better. I hope the bad memories become part of your past. I am getting better with the help of friends, etc.

One is never the same but a new person. I lost my mom on nov 14, i am trying to make peace with it. My mom could have lived longer but the nursing home she was in did not take good care of her so i have alot to be angry about but i am learning to let go and live with it. I loved my mother more than anything and always dreaded her passing.

I hope you start feeling better. It takes time to heal. The first 6 months are the hardest. 5 stages of grief you go through and then the anger and lonlineness come and go depending on what is going on in your life.

I am praying for all of us to heal and find some happiness.

Debbie

#2 Jerrold1

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Posted 21 December 2011 - 03:19 AM

I lost my mom about 2 weeks ago. She had cancer. She was 66 years old. I am devastated. Devastated would be an understatement. I am in a very dark and lonely place. We come from another country so I only have my father, my mom and my sister. We didnt have any family here and not many close friends. I have been very close to my mom. She was my best friend, my pillar...now all of a sudden she is gone and I feel this tremendous loss I cannot deal with. I moved in with my parents when her cancer came back about 10 months ago and I went with her to all chemos. I was with her all day long and she was actually doing pretty well. Except for having no hair, no one would have guessed she even had cancer. She ate well, we hiked, traveled, did things, went places. Then, when her last chemo cycle stopped about mid June, things went downhill about 3 weeks after that. I think the chemo was keeping the tumor activity in check and when it stopped, the tumors resumed their activity. She had about a dozen or more tumors all over her abdomen so surgery was not an option, neither was radiation, as they would have had to basically burn off her entire intestines.

My sister, dad and i kept encouraging her. When she was healthy these past 10 months we kept saying she would get fine. I was actually stupid enough to believe she would get better. I mean, who gains weight during chemo? But wrong, the chemo didnt work. After we got back from out NYC trip, she pretty much gradually began to tire out until she had to be taken to hospital. Tumors had perforated through her abdomen and she had internal bleeding. She was in the ICU for 5 days before she went into coma and then passed.

#3 debbie8800

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Posted 18 December 2011 - 08:09 PM

HI,
I am in the same unfortunate boat and I want out. sometimes I want to jump out and drown. I have lost my mom and my dad. I am only 32. I saw my dad code. I saw his eyes roll back and the doctors initially did nothting in the ER despite the fact that he was clearly suffocating. He was begging for help and crying. and I couldnt do anything. these images haunt me. they haunt me everyday. It is hard for me to do anything or to function. then the idiot docs come running after I start begging for help. I hear them joking while they code him. this sickens me. my father is dying and they are having a personal conversation and joking. so nonchalant. i saw his dead body. lifeless when a few mnutes earlier he had been talking to me. it really doesnt make any sense to me how that is possible. maybe that sounds like a ridicoulous statment but i just cant understand how one second can change your whole life and turn it upside down. i think about him everyday. I think about my mom everyday. I still have not gotten over her death. it is too much to see 2 graves with my parents. I wish I had done more for my dad when I brought him to the ER. they ignored him becuase they thought he was fine. I shoudl have done more yelling. I beat myself up everyday. every day. so...no I has not gotten better for me. I understand your pain. this too is my first winter without daddy. my first winter without parents. a new year without parents. the flashbacks are killing me. I am so mad becuase I feel like so much more could have been done for him.


Yes you are absolutly right you lost both parents. I want to comfort you, wish i was there to do so. I thought of my mother all day today and when i wake up in the morning i see her and how they could have done more too. I can't stand the pain sometimes, I just feel like i don't know how i will go on either. I have a roommate i don't like and have to find another apt now which is hard.

I miss my mother every day, miss her love and seeing her. Nothing will take her place and its a struggle. The whole situation we are all in here is to support each other but what we really want is to have them back. Like you i keep thinking if only this or that, or i blame myself. I am praying for all of us on here. Debbie

#4 sadbeyondwords

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Posted 18 December 2011 - 05:40 PM

HI,
I am in the same unfortunate boat and I want out. sometimes I want to jump out and drown. I have lost my mom and my dad. I am only 32. I saw my dad code. I saw his eyes roll back and the doctors initially did nothting in the ER despite the fact that he was clearly suffocating. He was begging for help and crying. and I couldnt do anything. these images haunt me. they haunt me everyday. It is hard for me to do anything or to function. then the idiot docs come running after I start begging for help. I hear them joking while they code him. this sickens me. my father is dying and they are having a personal conversation and joking. so nonchalant. i saw his dead body. lifeless when a few mnutes earlier he had been talking to me. it really doesnt make any sense to me how that is possible. maybe that sounds like a ridicoulous statment but i just cant understand how one second can change your whole life and turn it upside down. i think about him everyday. I think about my mom everyday. I still have not gotten over her death. it is too much to see 2 graves with my parents. I wish I had done more for my dad when I brought him to the ER. they ignored him becuase they thought he was fine. I shoudl have done more yelling. I beat myself up everyday. every day. so...no I has not gotten better for me. I understand your pain. this too is my first winter without daddy. my first winter without parents. a new year without parents. the flashbacks are killing me. I am so mad becuase I feel like so much more could have been done for him.

#5 debbie8800

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Posted 17 December 2011 - 09:55 PM

Dear Derosa: I hope you are doing a little better. I have my ups and downs and am still angry. I go see a lawyer monday but that won't bring mom back.

I wish us all cheer for the holidays and better days to come.

Deerosa: You are in my thoughts and prayers and i am in the same situation as you. I do hope it gets easier as time goes on.

Debbie

#6 lexybeer

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Posted 15 December 2011 - 08:40 PM

Hello all,

I lost my mother 3 weeks ago and I am finding it terribly hard to cope, I decided to look on line for a way of support before I choose to seek professional help.
I am a 41 year old mother of teenage daughter and work as a Dental Asst. for the past 18 years. The youngest of 8 and also the one who stuck around to take care of my mother through the years. Friday morning on 11/11/11 I woke up to shower at 5:30am and walked to the living room to greet my mother as I always did and as I enetered the living room I found my dear Mother face down on the floor and I knew she was gone, all I could do is scream to the top of my lungs and I went to touch her and she was cold......I grabbed her by her night gown crying and screaming to please get up and realised she was lifeless. My daughter rushed out of her bedroom and ran to me and saw her grandma on the floor and touched her back stone faced but calm as I completely fell apart. My neighbor banged on my door because she heard my screams I was asking my dear god WHY DID YOU TAKE MY MOTHER!!!!! she called 911 and I begged my neighbor to pleeeease help me get her off of the floor and on to the sofa because the pain of seeing her faced down on the floor hurt was destroying my heart I couldn't lift her alone so she did.......The cries and screams is all you heard from my apt. to make a long story short, I have always taken care of my mother with no help from my siblings, they never cared to call, visit anything so I know my mom passed away with a broken heart and this is what is killing me besides the fact that I miss her sooooooo much and am broken hearted to the highest extent, the trauma of finding my dear Mother on the floor has me really messed up and I am asking for anyone who understands to please give me your positive feedback and tell me that one day I'll be ok. I am back to work after two weeks off and all I do is cry all day long . . . . . . . I am annoyed with people telling me "it will get better" or to "try" and stop crying because there is no time frame on healing from the pain of losing my mother.

For all of you who have had a devastating loss . . . . My deepest condolences.






I am so terribly sorry. Sorry that your mother died and sorry that you had to experience her death in this way. It's been 2 1/2 months since I lost my Dad. I was there with him when he slipped away and frankly it was the hardest thing I've never had to do. Now that he's gone, I realize that he was the glue that held me together and I feel utterly lost without him. As much as it irritates you to hear people say "it will get better", and believe me, it annoys the crap out of me too, the fact is, is that they are right. It does get better with time. You will never forget your mother. Your love will never lessen. You will never fully get over her death. But, you will learn to cope. I have to say that some days I feel like I'm doing very well and then other days, it hits me like a ton of bricks. My father is gone. ):..Thank you for sharing your story. I have found that just reading some of the posts on here have helped me get through some really rough days. Another thing. Everyone grieves differently. You have the right to grieve and by all means, do it! It's a healthy part of the process. It will only make the healing easier to deal with in the long run. Take care and again, I am so very sorry..):

#7 Linda Lee

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Posted 15 December 2011 - 01:51 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. My experience is somewhat the same. My mom had COPD and she lived with me and my family. Last Wednesday I came home for lunch fed her and gave her meds. We talked said she was in pain so called hospice they said give her 1 cc of morphine I did and I rubbed her hair we talked more she told me she loved me very much I kissed her and went back to work. Dinner time I couldn't wake her, finally got her awake gave her insulin fed her a few bites her eyes were so big but she couldn't talk. She laid down amd went back to sleep. 5 hours later her fingers were cold called hospice the nurse came to check on her said her heart sounded good, one lung she didn't hear any air in the botttoom portion and the other one was filling up with fluid. At this point she probably had 24 to 48 hours. I went took a shower my daughter was reading to her and I was at the foot of her bed, one min she was breathing the next she was gone, I ran to her took my arm around her head and screamed Momma please breathe momma don't leave me ... I bawled and sobbed out of control.

#8 Linda Lee

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Posted 15 December 2011 - 01:51 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. My experience is somewhat the same. My mom had COPD and she lived with me and my family. Last Wednesday I came home for lunch fed her and gave her meds. We talked said she was in pain so called hospice they said give her 1 cc of morphine I did and I rubbed her hair we talked more she told me she loved me very much I kissed her and went back to work. Dinner time I couldn't wake her, finally got her awake gave her insulin fed her a few bites her eyes were so big but she couldn't talk. She laid down amd went back to sleep. 5 hours later her fingers were cold called hospice the nurse came to check on her said her heart sounded good, one lung she didn't hear any air in the botttom portion and the other one was filling up with fluid. At this point she probably had 24 to 48 hours. I went took a shower my daughter was reading to her and I was at the foot of her bed, one min she was breathing the next she was gone, I ran to her took my arm around her head and screamed Momma please breathe momma don't leave me ... I bawled and sobbed out of control.

#9 Deeosa

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Posted 09 December 2011 - 05:24 PM

Dear Deeosa:

I know exactly what your going through i lost my mom 3 weeks ago also. She had parkinsons, and there was a fight over her guardianship. She had lived with me. I made the mistake of putting her in a nursing home and they did not take care of her. I asked them to put her in the hospital in august and they wouldn't listen. she didn't look right to me. Finally after complaining i got her in. She died on nov 14, it was found she had pneumonia and mrsa. So as i told them she should have stayed home with me but they insisted it was better to keep her in a nursing home. I am very shaken up and scared at times. I find it all hard to believe and feel like i am dreaming.

I cry too, i am an only child. i don't even have a daughter just a son who is far away. So i am lost and i cry some every day and am not back to work yet. Doing an online degree right now but my life doesn't have the same purpose it did before. I still can't believe it.

I know how you must have felt finding her. My grandma passed away in our house long time ago, my mother was like you hestericle. I know it will hurt for a long time, church helps me and my schooling. Thank the lord you have your daughter. I am alone.

I will pray you get better and stronger. The holidays are very hard i know. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Email me anytime.

Debbie


Debbie I am soooo very sorry to hear this, my deepest condolences go out to you! I finally called my dr. and asked for a psych. I have an appt on Monday. I fall apart every single day, today it happened while I was woking with my boss, I couldn't control my crying in front of a patient. This is how bad it has become. I feel your pain and I am sooo sorry you're alone. I am here if you need to talk. I can't seem to grasp the loss. My pain is soo deep and everyone who comes across me immediately can see somethings very wrong. I wear my sadness on my face like makeup. I hope and pray that on Monday when I see the psych. that there is some hope for me to help cope with my loss. Again Deb feel free to note me if you need to talk.

#10 debbie880

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Posted 08 December 2011 - 01:59 AM

Dear Deeosa:

I know exactly what your going through i lost my mom 3 weeks ago also. She had parkinsons, and there was a fight over her guardianship. She had lived with me. I made the mistake of putting her in a nursing home and they did not take care of her. I asked them to put her in the hospital in august and they wouldn't listen. she didn't look right to me. Finally after complaining i got her in. She died on nov 14, it was found she had pneumonia and mrsa. So as i told them she should have stayed home with me but they insisted it was better to keep her in a nursing home. I am very shaken up and scared at times. I find it all hard to believe and feel like i am dreaming.

I cry too, i am an only child. i don't even have a daughter just a son who is far away. So i am lost and i cry some every day and am not back to work yet. Doing an online degree right now but my life doesn't have the same purpose it did before. I still can't believe it.

I know how you must have felt finding her. My grandma passed away in our house long time ago, my mother was like you hestericle. I know it will hurt for a long time, church helps me and my schooling. Thank the lord you have your daughter. I am alone.

I will pray you get better and stronger. The holidays are very hard i know. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Email me anytime.

Debbie

#11 Deeosa

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Posted 07 December 2011 - 07:05 PM

Ada and ModKonnie thank you soooo much for replying, I really needed it. I'm having all kinds of mixed feelings when it comes to my siblings and simply moving on, I never read the autopsy report for fear of what the cause of death was reason being is if it was asthma, where was I with her pump, if it was a heart attack where were my siblings to comfort her heart.....I'm seriosly messed up. I must say it really feels good to be able to hear what you ladies have to say and please know that it GREATLY appreciated. I'm going to try as you said to think of the happy times when I find myself dwelling on her death. Holidays are here and it doesnt help my healing because of the obvious but I will TRY! you gave me great words and will try and heed by the advice given. Please stay in touch as I am also here for you. God bless you both and again thank you soooo very much for being here for me with positivity. I plan on coming here often to let loose a feeling or two and hope to be able to be there for you both as well. THANK YOU!

#12 Ada

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Posted 06 December 2011 - 10:07 AM

Dear Deeosa,

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Mere words cannot convey the overwhelming feelings of shock, disbelief, numbness, and despair one suffers from such a tragic loss. Please remember that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It may very well be that you and your daughter grieve differently.

Deeosa, you can always count on someone to hear you out here. By communicating your feelings you will deal better with grief and you will receive words of encouragement when you need them the most from well-meaning people.

Writing down your thoughts about your mom can be a tremendous aid in coping with your grief. You can write about some pleasant memories you have of her or what you wish you could have said to her while she was still alive.


I know that you might be a Bible reader because you believe in God so I am taking the liberty and sharing some thoughts with you. God is one who is never too busy to listen to your disquieting thoughts. The Bible makes a comforting promise: "Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart; and those who are crushed in spirit he saves" (Psalm 34:18) We are assured that if you "throw your burden upon Jehovah himself, he himself will sustain you" (Psalm 55:22)

There are no correct words one I can say about your loss only that I am truly sorry and that you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Kind Regards,

Ada

#13 ModKonnie

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Posted 06 December 2011 - 05:34 AM

Hello all,

I lost my mother 3 weeks ago and I am finding it terribly hard to cope, I decided to look on line for a way of support before I choose to seek professional help.
I am a 41 year old mother of teenage daughter and work as a Dental Asst. for the past 18 years. The youngest of 8 and also the one who stuck around to take care of my mother through the years. Friday morning on 11/11/11 I woke up to shower at 5:30am and walked to the living room to greet my mother as I always did and as I enetered the living room I found my dear Mother face down on the floor and I knew she was gone, all I could do is scream to the top of my lungs and I went to touch her and she was cold......I grabbed her by her night gown crying and screaming to please get up and realised she was lifeless. My daughter rushed out of her bedroom and ran to me and saw her grandma on the floor and touched her back stone faced but calm as I completely fell apart. My neighbor banged on my door because she heard my screams I was asking my dear god WHY DID YOU TAKE MY MOTHER!!!!! she called 911 and I begged my neighbor to pleeeease help me get her off of the floor and on to the sofa because the pain of seeing her faced down on the floor hurt was destroying my heart I couldn't lift her alone so she did.......The cries and screams is all you heard from my apt. to make a long story short, I have always taken care of my mother with no help from my siblings, they never cared to call, visit anything so I know my mom passed away with a broken heart and this is what is killing me besides the fact that I miss her sooooooo much and am broken hearted to the highest extent, the trauma of finding my dear Mother on the floor has me really messed up and I am asking for anyone who understands to please give me your positive feedback and tell me that one day I'll be ok. I am back to work after two weeks off and all I do is cry all day long . . . . . . . I am annoyed with people telling me "it will get better" or to "try" and stop crying because there is no time frame on healing from the pain of losing my mother.

For all of you who have had a devastating loss . . . . My deepest condolences.

Deeosa,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your mother. I am sure you are traumatized deeply by the nightmare you just experienced. However, I can tell you that eventually, you will be okay, it's just going to take a process. Crying after only three weeks is perfectly normal. Many people cry for months over the loss of their mother.
When people tell you "it will get better" or "to try" they are simply trying to help because no one really knows how to help in these kinds of situations. It's difficult for all of us to figure out what to do, and we all want to make the devastated person feel better.
Do you know what happened to your mother? Did she die instantly? Can you talk about it at all? Did you talk to your siblings at the funeral?
When people face these types of traumas, they tell me it helps when they are paralyzed by the horrible mental images to deliberately begin to think of happier and better pictures of their loved one.
I know when I dwell too much on the pictures in my head of my dad's death, I force myself to go to a better place and remember him in a better moment. But it wasn't easy.
You may want to consider joining a self help group for grief and loss, or writing down your feelings in a journal. These types of things help.
Also, remember to drink plenty of water, avoid caffeine, and try to eat healthy. All of these things will help you to begin to heal.
ModKonnie

#14 Deeosa

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Posted 05 December 2011 - 04:19 PM

Hello all,

I lost my mother 3 weeks ago and I am finding it terribly hard to cope, I decided to look on line for a way of support before I choose to seek professional help.
I am a 41 year old mother of teenage daughter and work as a Dental Asst. for the past 18 years. The youngest of 8 and also the one who stuck around to take care of my mother through the years. Friday morning on 11/11/11 I woke up to shower at 5:30am and walked to the living room to greet my mother as I always did and as I enetered the living room I found my dear Mother face down on the floor and I knew she was gone, all I could do is scream to the top of my lungs and I went to touch her and she was cold......I grabbed her by her night gown crying and screaming to please get up and realised she was lifeless. My daughter rushed out of her bedroom and ran to me and saw her grandma on the floor and touched her back stone faced but calm as I completely fell apart. My neighbor banged on my door because she heard my screams I was asking my dear god WHY DID YOU TAKE MY MOTHER!!!!! she called 911 and I begged my neighbor to pleeeease help me get her off of the floor and on to the sofa because the pain of seeing her faced down on the floor hurt was destroying my heart I couldn't lift her alone so she did.......The cries and screams is all you heard from my apt. to make a long story short, I have always taken care of my mother with no help from my siblings, they never cared to call, visit anything so I know my mom passed away with a broken heart and this is what is killing me besides the fact that I miss her sooooooo much and am broken hearted to the highest extent, the trauma of finding my dear Mother on the floor has me really messed up and I am asking for anyone who understands to please give me your positive feedback and tell me that one day I'll be ok. I am back to work after two weeks off and all I do is cry all day long . . . . . . . I am annoyed with people telling me "it will get better" or to "try" and stop crying because there is no time frame on healing from the pain of losing my mother.

For all of you who have had a devastating loss . . . . My deepest condolences.







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