Grief & Healing from a Christian-Biblical Worldview
Posted 21 July 2011 - 01:31 PM
I'm so sorry to hear that your son and his wife are behaving so badly toward you. I had seen the post when Greyson Joseph was born, but I didn't even think to ask how he was doing when I saw your post. I was focused more on Sally, but I'm sorry I didn't think to ask about him. My granddaughter is 3 years old now. The other night they were at my house and her Daddy picked her up and she said "There's a picture of Nana and Westley." Its the last snapshot I have of us together, right before Christmas 2009 and I just set it up there, not in a frame or anything, on the mantel. She goes for weeks and even months without mentioning him, and I'm afraid she's forgotten him. And then she'll say something like that. I don't know if you saw my post from several months ago when I brought her to my house and she asked about something and I said Westley made that. She looked at me with those big blue eyes and said "He's nebber coming back. Not ebber." very solemnly, like she was explaining it to me. And I explain it to myself like that now, when I can make myself admit it. Several of his friends have become fathers in the last year and a half, and that has been bittersweet for me too. Why? That's what I ask myself all the time. I know that you feel there is purpose in our suffering but I'm not feeling it yet. I only see the suffering in my suffering. Maybe it is too soon for me. I hope that things get better with your son and his family soon. Stay well and take care.
Posted 21 July 2011 - 11:48 AM
Thank you so much for your post to me. I have been doing well, considering that each day of life with such great loss is a miracle and a blessing to be able to live it out, despite the sorrow and missing.
I too became a grandma in January of this year--my first grand baby. His name is Greyson Joseph. I was so pleased that they chose Joey's name to be a part of him. I wish I could say the journey into grandmotherhood has been all I dreamed it would be, but it has not. It has been very painful. I went for a family visit for 10 weeks over March, April and May. But there has been growing an underlying strain between my son's wife and I, and how she chooses to see me---or not see me, as it turns out. In my own desperation to be more invited into their lives, I only pushed them away further. I won't say she hates me, but she has no love for me, and that has proved to be enough for my son to also take steps back from being as relational as he once was with me. He must support her and choose her way. He is her husband, which trumps being my son. And so I came back to Ecuador feeling very lowly and cheated for not getting a 'Nana Experience' that I always dreamed of. It's more like I am an outsider looking in. He will be 6 months old in a week, and I have no idea what he's like now. I received a few photos a month ago via e-mail, but I don't hear anything on a routine basis about how he is, if he's learned to roll over, or get up on hands and knees, how much he weighs, if he is cutting teeth yet, or anything at all. It breaks my heart. My son and his wife banned me from their Facebook accounts, so I don't get to hear anything that they share with friends and other family members. I am just 'no one' really, and learning to cope with that has been almost unbearable on top of losing my only other child, with whom I will never experience grandchildren with and the potential for a normal relationship with grandchildren. I know I sound hopeless about it, but in the light of the way things stand, I don't anticipate much to change. My son is not much for writing me in great detail, and since his wife won't even breathe in my direction, I will have to settle for a crumb once in a while at best. The worst part for me personally, besides the obvious lack of being included and all that entails, is that I just cannot understand how I, who am not a monster, can be treated with such disregard. I have only ever been filled with joy for their lives, have done my best to always include my DIL in thoughts of family and things I've done, given, etc...I just can't believe it still....
Why does God allow us to go through such painful things, whether we feel we deserve it or not? I ask him that question sometimes, but I know the answer, deep down. I am created for a Kingdom purpose, which is bigger than the woes of the world and living in it. My hurts are experience to gain wisdom, so that I can journey with others in their hurts, to be a testimony of hope and light. It isn't all about me, my comfort, my joy, my sorrow and pain. It;s about a God bigger than I am, who breathed life into me, who gave me every gift I have ever cherished, and who has also given me the contrast of pain so that I can understand why those gifts are worth cherishing...and why He is still good, merciful, loving and kind. He still gives me moments to cherish, IF I choose to reach out and grab them. It isn't always easy, but it is truly always my choice. I can't control all that happens in life, but I can choose how to journey through it. I have not done so well much of the time, but in the times that I have journeyed well, I can see LIGHT at the end of the dark road. I certainly don't have all the answers, but I won't give up on knowing that there will always be bad days, but better days too, and the hope that the better ones will far outweigh the bad. But to His glory may that be so....not to mine.
And so, these are just the latest days of my life. I am still here in Ecuador with my husband, journeying deeper into ministry with the people here, loving the unloved, remembering the forgotten, teaching the unteachable, and hoping that my life can make a difference for the betterment of humanity and the Kingdom of God. It's the only true gift I can give of myself, because as it turns out, those who I thought would always love and want me do not, and those who I never imagined would love me do. Funny how twisted life can be....
Love and blessing to you, and may we all find peace and comfort along this journey we call life with loss.
Posted 21 July 2011 - 08:57 AM
Posted 21 July 2011 - 08:30 AM
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Posted 09 February 2011 - 09:17 AM
Posted 08 February 2011 - 12:45 PM
I've not been posting lately, some of it is forgetfulness, the other, is it's just a sadness in doing so? I'm not sure though. Others, have it worse than I. I've many to pray for! We are eduring winter and looking forward to a move in June. Daniel is still not working due to complications with the injuries he sustained on the drilling rig in October. He may have a buldged disk, (he's only 20!) He finds out next week about, what's going on and the remedy for it. He had an MRI yesterday. Though he is in some pain, he also complains of too much time with nothing to do! I've prayed and have others praying he uses this time too seek the Lord. God has softened his heart towards me, and I pray he contiues to soften it, but mainly toward the Lord! I also pray for his friends salvation. Daniel made a move to N. Salt Lake 100 miles from his dads place and 100 miles away from contanty party crowd, he was getting sick of it too. So this is a blessed move, a good thing. I've been able to talk with him once about Joseph, he did sthare with me that it was the only time he'd spoken about it. He is unable to speak with his father about it, according to him, "Dad thinks I am a loser and I am not going to share my feelings with him." I was stunned by this revelation. Everyone, sadly so myself included, thought Daneil was Steve's favorite, though I've not told him that. Anyway, I understand what he said/how he feels, as I was his wife and felt the same way.Despite that, I maintained and told Daniel that his dad loves him, and that I knew that for sure. The conversation did inspire and open the door to communication with my son who I speak with on a weekly basis.
He's told me, ( I don't know what to think of this) he had seen an eye over him, said he did dream it, said he saw it, and is wondering at it's meaning. He also said the same of a finger over him, said both instances were at night as he was laying down. I cannot determine what it means, if it's drama, a spiritual thing, good or bad and told him as much. I ended with I'd pray about it. Thought I'd throw it out there and see what you ladies though.
I am still praying for you ALL. In His name.
Posted 08 February 2011 - 12:07 PM
Posted 13 January 2011 - 03:17 PM
I have been thinking of you all week and praying for you as I remember how hard that 1st year date was. I remember re-living every thing up until the time of Joshua's death. Re-opening all the wounds and grieving...but this time without the protective cocoon of shock numbing me from reality. Dear Rhonda...I'm so sorry you have to feel this pain. It is so hard. Missing Westley just isn't fair. I pray God's mercy and peace would sustain you and hold you up while you grieve.
Below are two poems. I wrote the 1st and the second is anonomous and was left at the site of the Oklahoma City bombing (or so I've been told).
Life keeps changing day by day
even when we want it to always stay the same
Some changes bring happiness and joy
others leave us crying out in pain like the loss of my boy.
To these changes we must adapt or so I am told,
develop a new sense of what is and let go of the old
I don't want to adapt to this loss, not today.
The loss of my son is not ok.
I don't want him to be gone
I want him here right now
I want to hug him and gaze upon his face
I want to watch him grow.
Why can't I still have him?
I want him back some how.
He is supposed to be here with me, his mother
Not in heaven, not yet, not now.
I said, "God I hurt."
And God said, "I know."
I said, "I cry a lot."
And God said, "That's why I gave you tears.
"I said, "Life is so hard."
And God said, "That's why I gave you loved ones.
"I said, "But my loved one died!"
And God said, "So did mine!"
I said, "It's such a great loss."
And God said, "I saw mine nailed to a cross."
I said, "But your loved one lives!"
And God said, "So does yours!"
I said, "Where is he now?"
And God said, "My son is by my side and Your son is in my arms."
Missing you, Joshua, until the we are
reunited in eternity with our Lord
Posted 08 January 2011 - 01:33 PM
Posted 06 January 2011 - 04:57 PM
Missing you, Joshua, until the we are
reunited in eternity with our Lord
Posted 06 January 2011 - 04:55 PM
Elaine, I'm so glad Daniel is healing. How scary to have him so seriously injured.
Westley's Mom: I have had some of the same thoughts reading about Jesus healing Lazerus. Why did He heal Lazerus or provide miracles for so many and not my son? My son died and wasn't resurrected here on Earth. I even wrote on that topic on my blog in November of 2007...4 months after I lost my son. Here is the link if you want to read it.
Grieving is so hard and I remember it seemed to get worse for me each month in that first year...especially as that 1st year date approached. It is not lack of faith to want your boy with you. It is not lack of faith to experience confusion and even anger towards God who would allow this to happen. The question "WHY?" seems to plague those of us who lose children. One thing that helped me was expressing that confusion and anger directly to God and asking Him to help me because I couldn't stand not having my son present. I still hate it. You should have seen me crying and yelling out to God while driving in the car 3 months after my son died. I had to make a 4 hour drive by myself and it was the first time I really was alone since Joshua died. I wept the entire 4 hours and sometimes screamed at God. The Bible says, "All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to His purposes." He is greater and His purposes are greater then the pain of my short term seperation from my beautiful wonderful son...especially since it is for the good of my son. "To live is Christ to die is gain." I have to trust God that my boy is ok. I have to trust God that good will come out of this terrible evil.
I pray God's comfort upon you and a peace even in your grief as you struggle with missing your son. God loves you and sent His own son to die and be seperated from Him that we might be reunited with our sons. He understands the seperation from loved ones because he experienced it Himself.
Love in Christ,
Missing you, Joshua, until the we are
reunited in eternity with our Lord
Posted 25 December 2010 - 03:57 PM
DON'T THROW YOUR HAND!
EVERYBODY HURTS SOMETIMES. The R.E.M. song re-recorded by Helping Haiti rekindles the fabulous truth that every human being feels every now and then; a sense of loneliness, vulnerability and desperation, perhaps as a response to grief in life.
There are three life-periods we can 'throw our hands,' but the song, I believe, was only targeting one of these:
We're tempted to give up in our moments really quite frequently. Things overwhelm us relatively easily. Much of the time we don't even know what has taken the wind from our sails. These times it's probably due a combination of little annoying and frustrating factors.
Developing momentary resilience is about identifying all the annoying or challenging factors of our torpor and one by one, exercise reason over them. Chances are if we're reasonable we'll see each of these things individually for what they are; that is minor in the scheme of things.
If things really get too much, sure, it maybe time to just escape for the rest of that day, to recover.
The intenseness of this sort of period is over a month or two, or perhaps six or twelve at most - though the pain of such a period is generally life-transforming. We're tempted to give up "seasonally" because something major breaks in. We lose a loved one or a familial relationship ends in some way. Something significant has ended and there's naturally a period of adjustment to make. This is grief at its most poignant.
Yet the temptation to give up should eventually be overcome, though we will have days when we will simply give up. This is okay. In fact, it's necessary occasionally.
Developing seasonal resilience is about hope. Where there's life there's hope, right? It might seem that things are never going to get better, but in reality they will. We may not know this but real spiritual hope is about holding out for things we simply cannot see, but we still hope for. So long as our hopes are realistic they're achievable. In this way it is entirely right for us to hold out, hoping in life returning emotionally "normal" eventually, whatever that is.
This is tragic, yet we see different forms of it around us all the time. At the worst extreme is suicide. This leaves those remaining with, many times, irreconcilable feelings as to what went wrong. Our hearts truly go out to them. Everybody Hurts actually targeted, originally, teen suicide.
But people just as easily give up in a life-lasting way because they can't or don't deal well with the seasonal grief that comes. They enter a lifelong season of denial.
People in this area have literally entered hell on earth, for their grasp on and their desire for truth has left them.
And yet, anyone at any time can literally convert this issue back into a seasonal grief i.e. see it that way, and venture into hope. They've got nothing to lose by doing this, and almost everything to gain.
Understanding that everybody hurts in life sometimes is good. It helps us understand that it's normal, and that grieving appropriately needs to be a very common experience and response in life. In reality we should learn how to grieve well as kids, then life would not be so hard.
In this way it's actually 'cruel to be kind' when we allow the "fullness" of life hurts to hit us and our kids so we and they can learn to grapple with feelings and give them the hearing they deserve. In a supportive environment, nothing beats this. This is how resilience is developed and grown to maturity.
In life, we all give up from time to time. The better and more resilient we can teach ourselves to be - and a reliance on God is often central - the less frequent these times will be and their magnitude won't be as great.
And a joyousness regarding life naturally fills any of the remaining void!
© 2010 S. J. Wickham.
Steve Wickham is a Registered Safety Practitioner (BSc, MSIA, RSP) and a qualified, unordained Christian minister (GradDipBib&Min). His blogs are at: http://epitemnein-ep...c.blogspot.com/ and http://inspiringbett...e.blogspot.com/
Article Source: http://EzineArticles...t=Steve_Wickham
Posted 16 November 2010 - 08:27 AM
How can it be on a ho-hum day,
preparing for anything but 'this,'
out of the blue comes it to stay,
ending notions of bliss.
Wasted of reason - life's a mess,
beyond is the numbing hue,
based is the treason - a tightened chest,
out the window life flew.
Winding down the lonely lane,
Stark and oh so dead;
where's it gone - the life aspired,
the journey now just fled?
It doesn't end like this just now,
not whilst we're sprung and reprised,
life as it was may have ended,
but that's not our state demised.
There is a place in this called "grief,"
that warrants a sharp held jibe,
we've journeyed to 'us' inside at last,
the place God's never denied.
Grief is the beginning of life. This is not just a sad and sick statement. It's the place we enter, finally, that takes us to our rawest beginnings and most basic imaginings. It feels so bad because we've rarely, if ever, been there.
An Important 'Raw' Life Lesson - Something We Best Learn
There is this thing about real life to be learned; the earlier the better (though many never taste it). This is the fact of peace in grief - both shallow and transitory grief and that which blindsides us for months, encroaching on the years. Life may not ever be the same again, but what it is, it's now irreplaceable.
We have 'entered' ourselves and the truest knowledge of God - a place we cannot now lose; a place of truth. And comfort is there; it's to be found by us in the ever-extant God of the universe who seeks us as we seek the Spirit of life in our desolate desperation.
The Gold at the Centre of Life
The gold in this destination of self is primary to the purpose of life. We're at one with ourselves as we're at one with our God - in this - the journey normally of strong denial, but now etched in a bold truth.
Here is the destination of the recovering drug addict or alcoholic, the divorcee, widow/er, prisoner, orphan and bankrupt business person. They've short-cut the road to heaven in this life. They're catered for in as much as God avails to them principal access to the true kingdom that's so often sought after - by the non-afflicted, yet not often at all found by them (until grief strikes hard - then comes their opportunity).
A life removed, or one altered beyond recognition, is now a life with perfect access to God.
Grief is good in this: we have direct access to the very open heart of God. To grieve, truly, is to be close to God.
© 2010 S. J. Wickham.
Steve Wickham is a Registered Safety Practitioner (BSc, FSIA, RSP[Australia]) and a qualified, unordained Christian minister (GradDipBib&Min). His blogs are at: http://epitemnein-ep...c.blogspot.com/ and http://inspiringbett....blogspot.com/.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles...t=Steve_Wickham
Posted 11 November 2010 - 10:04 PM
Posted 25 October 2010 - 11:16 PM
Yes I am still up here till March. In the massive saving money mode and taking that class module now too. SO I have something to do. I understand what you mean by taking a break from here & the sadness. I can't read it all cuz it's too sad. I heard some really good tips on how to press on and leave the past in the past, lots of refernce to Job, Joseph in the bible. Made good sense, if I wasn't so tight I'd buy the book. I want to get that into Michael. His leg is doing wonderfully! He's doing well in school. We are dreading the holidays, and first time ever going out to eat. Christmas is still up in the air, I want ot meet my grandson but don't know if that will happen. If we don't go to Colorado, then were going to twist off to Jackson Hole Wyoming, where it is gorgeous! I'd just as soon stay home, save money, watch movies but there is another here besides me. I don't want him going to Wyo, it's too depressing and that is a sorta last resort, he says he hates holidays there anyway. There's memories there and all Joseph's 'friendds' who Michael calls a bunch of murderers, still come around, and ya, party at a 54 yr old man's house. Makes me livid.. Anyway, we will do whatever it is we do.. Us n the dogz.. It was really great to hear from you! God bless, praying for ya.
Posted 25 October 2010 - 11:07 PM
Oh I know how the sleep till it's over thoughts go. Been there too! I still have days, weeks, moments. I am a LOT better since Michael is home though. I know I gotta somehow stop doing that, whatever it is that I do. I am on empty nester row! Hey I heard a great talk today on loss with Janet Parshal@moody.edu she was talking with Kay Aurther about a book, and it covered loss and the why's it was really mind blowing, maybe you should go check it out. Title is something about hurting bad?? Or I bet if you google or go to amazon Kay Aurther's book oh hurting bad. Something like that. I will pray for you though right after I get off here. God bless.
Posted 25 October 2010 - 08:25 AM
Elaine-I hope the plans to move and your class are going well.
Posted 25 October 2010 - 07:55 AM
How are things along your journey Elaine? Are you still up in the Northwest? How are your boys doing? It may be quiet here, but that doesn't mean this place has been abandoned or that anyone here has been forgotten... I get notifications when people post to this thread, but you are right. It has been quite a while since anyone has posted. I haven't been here at the BI web site too much as of late. There are so many new people on the various threads and I just can't keep up anymore. I was finding that I needed a break from all of the new sadness... I think many of us go through these phases, or seasons... But still here...just quiet sometimes...
Love & Hugs!! Claudia
Posted 13 September 2010 - 03:30 PM
Elaine, I noticed you mentioned Casper, WY. I live in Casper and my son died in a little creek that runs into the North Platte River. There had been a water release and the water was high. I don't know why he went into the water when it was high. We think he hit his head and was unconscious quickly and was washed into the river. I am so sorry for the loss of your son Joseph and the trials you have had to go through. Praying blessings upon Michael and Daniel. God be with you,
I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner to your post. I am so sorry about your son. It's also so sad that a young woman just getting started lost her life in a similar tragedy. My family goes tubing often, and I know that it can be a dangerous sport.
I wish you the best, and I hope the young woman's family finds comfort during this terrible time.
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