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Dating after loss of boyfriend


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#1 Sama

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Posted 03 November 2011 - 01:16 PM

Let me start by saying I have never lost anyone close to me. I met a girl on St. Pats day of this year who lost her fiance suddenly, a month before their wedding, in Feb of 2010. We started dating and I have fallen in love with her. In August she lost her grandmother and that brought the feelings from her fiance's death right to the surface again. She was definitely never "over" her loss and was still dealing with it day to day. I am very comfortable with her talking about him and seeing pictures of him and her. Since her grandmother's death she has taken a 180 and everything is on hold. Our relationship now is day to day. She has expressed to me how "right" I feel to her, but at the same time when she has a grief trigger I am the last person she wants to be around. At those times she tells me she feels guilty for moving on and we won't talk for a couple of days. I don't expect that she will ever forget him and I will never replace him in her heart, which is how it should be. According to her she is scared of the feelings she has for me and doesn't want to lose someone again. As I said before, I have never lost someone close to me and I am on here to learn more about the grieving process. She feels like she is "crazy" and doesn't understand why she can't control her emotions, I have discovered on here and shared with her, that her reactions are actually quite normal and something to be expected. I have expressed to her that I don't want to make things more difficult on her but that I am willing to stick with her even when she has bad days. With the holiday season coming up we have already begun talking about how we are going to handle those days.
My point is, whoever you choose to be around needs to prepared for the "bad" days. Moving on or testing the waters is completely your choice. Be prepared to be indecisive. You may feel perfectly fine with it one day and completely opposed to it the next. I think that is perfectly normal.



#2 ModKonnie

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Posted 22 August 2011 - 06:10 PM

I lost my boyfriend of over 4 years in a car accident about 5 months ago. Im 25 and had lived with him for almost 3 years..planned on marriage. It has truly been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure and the type of pain I have experienced is indescribable. However, I have surrounded myself all summer with amazing friends and have also stayed connected with the people he was closest too. I really have been able to live my life the best I can since it's happened despite how painful it still is. Just recently I have started hanging out with a friend of my boyfriends more often. For some reason it has felt really good. Not gonna lie I have made some dumb decisions to seek comfort since the loss but this time it feels different. We had a big talk and come to find out he had feelings for me too and didn't know if it was wrong or not. He has been super supportive patient and understanding and is putting my comfort first. I am by no means "dating" him. I don't know when I'll be ready for another relationship. I can't even think of it right now. But for some reason this whole situation feels right and I don't know if that's wrong. If my boyfriend had to pick someone to take care of me after all this I honestly think he'd want him too. It all seems so fast but I just know I want to continue spending more time with him because who knows what it could mean in a years time. What do you all think? Is this healthy? I know there is no timeline for moving on and I don't feel like I'm "moving on" but the fact I have feelings for someone else? Thoughts?

Hi SunAK1124,
I think you need to do what your heart tells you. Having feelings for someone else is okay and acceptable. It sounds as though you are moving forward in a positive manner. I'm glad you have decided to wait to form a relationship until you are completely ready. If this man you have met is good for you, he will understand and respect you for your decision.
ModKonnie

#3 SunAK1124

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Posted 22 August 2011 - 11:08 AM

I lost my boyfriend of over 4 years in a car accident about 5 months ago. Im 25 and had lived with him for almost 3 years..planned on marriage. It has truly been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure and the type of pain I have experienced is indescribable. However, I have surrounded myself all summer with amazing friends and have also stayed connected with the people he was closest too. I really have been able to live my life the best I can since it's happened despite how painful it still is. Just recently I have started hanging out with a friend of my boyfriends more often. For some reason it has felt really good. Not gonna lie I have made some dumb decisions to seek comfort since the loss but this time it feels different. We had a big talk and come to find out he had feelings for me too and didn't know if it was wrong or not. He has been super supportive patient and understanding and is putting my comfort first. I am by no means "dating" him. I don't know when I'll be ready for another relationship. I can't even think of it right now. But for some reason this whole situation feels right and I don't know if that's wrong. If my boyfriend had to pick someone to take care of me after all this I honestly think he'd want him too. It all seems so fast but I just know I want to continue spending more time with him because who knows what it could mean in a years time. What do you all think? Is this healthy? I know there is no timeline for moving on and I don't feel like I'm "moving on" but the fact I have feelings for someone else? Thoughts?




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